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Thread: Confused by my own thoughts after break up

  1. #1

    Confused by my own thoughts after break up


    On Friday I broke up with my girlfriend of over a year and a half. I was feeling a lot of doubts in my mind and felt like I needed to be on my own. This also went in a cycle with feeling like I wanted to be with her forever, eventually the former got so overwhelming that I concluded it was time to let go.

    She was really good to me, treated me well & is honestly one of the nicest people Iíve ever met. I do believe she is one in a million in terms of the type of girl she is however despite this I still had that gut feeling telling me to end things.

    Why did I feel this overwhelming feeling to end things if she was as mentioned above?

    The confusing thing for me is now I feel like I miss her and am now doubting my own decision but when with her I had the feeling I didnít want to be with her and could see myself being distant i.e. looking for excuses not to spend time with her etc. So I thought the best thing to do for myself and for her was to end the relationship.

    On top of feeling like I might regret the decision I also feel like I will never find someone like her again.

    I am really confused and not sure why I am feeling this way as I thought if I ended it I would be relieved and feel like I had done the right thing except rather than feeling confident I had made the right decision I am spending my time trying to get over my doubt & sadness by trying to convince myself I done the right thing.

    Can anyone provide any insight?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Ontario Canada
    My guess is you are mourning the love you thought you had when it became apparent you needed to break up. You lost something you wanted/had and now feel badly about it.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Surrey BC, Canada
    Relationships and feelings can run it's course. It's normal for this to happen. I'm guessing you are young. Well other things, like going into adulthood, your wants/needs/ and perspective changes as you get older. You can outgrow relationships and even friendships. Wanting to go out and experience life on your own is normal and healthy. You are just not ready yet to settle down or she's just not the one even tho things were ok. You will meet that person you want to spend your life with....but for now stay single, and have fun.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Cloud Nine
    Sorry to hear this. She may be the greatest girl on earth but you're not on the same page. It sounds like you got complacent and were in a rut, however that rut was what you were used to and as comfy as an old couch.


  6. #5
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Please don't contact her saying you think you might have made a mistake or that you changed your mind unless you REALLY mean it. Bouncing her around like a ball instead of a living, feeling human would be especially cruel.

  7. #6
    Thanks for the replies!

    I understand I shouldnít contact her because no doubt I will end up feeling the same way again if feeling that way consumed me before.

    She doesnít deserve that, she deserves the world and sadly I canít give her that. Just wish I knew why when with her I donít want to be but when not with her I miss her & start feeling regret... life goes on as they say!

  8. #7
    It's simple (or it isn't). You must feel uncomfortable with closeness (fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, feel of engulfment, fear of intimacy- do you have any of these buried deep down?).

    When you're with her you create a distance to protect yourself/feel comfortable. You deactivate your attachment system in response to triggers. When you leave the distance is safe enough to crave her again.
    It has little to do with her or your love to her (you might love her/be attached and it could be precisely why you don't want to spend time with her). Those are patterns you learnt most likely in your childhood.

    You should read about the attachment theory if you want to understand your behaviour. You seem to have an avoidant attachment style (perhaps the disorganized/fearful one).
    The push/pull dynamic is very common with them.
    You can become mindful of your patterns and work on it.

  9. #8
    Its been a little over two weeks now and I canít stop feeling like I want her back.

    I canít reach out to her because 1. I will look very stupid & 2. She deserves the time to heal. I spoke with her 3 days after the break up as she messaged me abuse.. the reason for this is because I asked a mutual friend to make sure she was alright as I still care and said mutual friend told her what I had done.

    I tried to apologise to her & explain the way I was feeling and she made it clear that she was happier without me however part of me is telling me that this is a front she is using to try and deal with it.

    I might have made the biggest mistake of my life letting her go but I canít even fix it.. what do I do?

    Day by day it does sort of feel like I am getting better in terms of thinking about her etc but then I feel like I relapse in a way and I am back to square one feeling really low or down. This is exacerbated if I see her friends post something about her or whatever online. Iíve had to get rid of her friends from my social media from the fear of seeing something I really donít want to!

    Somebody posted on here about the attachment theories & it 100% made sense and my thoughts did start to make sense and that is partly why I believe I want her back.. the mind making me think I didnít want to be with her but I actually do?

    Every weekend since I have used alcohol as my vice to try and block it out and it works for a while but then again back to square one & feeling really down. I have now even started to get dangerous thoughts as another way to shut it out(for good) however would not go through with anything as it would leave behind a bigger mess for my family and even her.

    This relationship is my third proper relationship, the first one I wasnít bothered about it being over I honestly felt amazing about it until 3 months down the line & boom it hit me! The second one was a real mess as we were on & off for 9 months or so after being together 1.5 years and each time we were off I experienced the same feelings as I am now except much worse but that was at a time I used drugs to cope, I donít do that anymore. Now with this relationship I thought I would be relieved it was over due to stuff mentioned in my original post however it just keeps going round in circles however I am able to block it out to some degree a lot of the time but as mentioned I relapse and start feeling really down and this gives me a feeling of sheer emotional pain that I am sure most people experience at one stage or another in their lives.

    Eventually the pain does subsidise and day by day I am feeling the more intense pain less & less frequently but thereís always that feeling that something is missing from me.. a part of me is gone!

    Thank you if you read this, it does help to write everything down and I have been trying as this does help me feel better even if its only a minute.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Please get help if you continue to abuse substances to "help" you through your pain. You switched from drugs to alcohol (which, as you know, is a drug) and that is so bad for you. Alcohol is also a depressant so thinking it will make you feel better doesn't make any sense.

    And maybe next time don't be so quick to pull the trigger. If she did nothing wrong and you chose to hurt her anyway by breaking up, that's something else that doesn't make any sense.

    Did you maybe expect her to follow you and beg you back?

  11. #10
    None of it makes any sense to me either hence the title of the thread.

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