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Thread: So confused. Outside perspective appreciated.

  1. #1

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    So confused. Outside perspective appreciated.

    Hi all,

    My girlfriend of 5 years broke up with me a week ago. Yes, there were problems but I didn't realise it would come to this. She got some of her stuff and went back to her parents. To say I've been a mess is an understatement. I haven't coped at all.

    She messaged in the week and said we should meet to discuss the apartment, so yesterday we did. At first, she seemed like she was trying to stick to her decision, as the problems were 'too late to fix' and so on, but as the day went on, we had such a laugh and so much fun and teasing. She suggested that she pay for more hours parking so we could keep hanging out and having a nice time. Despite saying she wouldn't, she popped into the apartment as well and picked up some more stuff. She got upset and asked for a hug.

    In the evening I texted to say thanks for a good day and we exchanged a few messages. She seemed relaxed and said we should have a break from meeting now but that she's happy to communicate by text.

    Last night I felt so optimistic about this as I want her back, but this morning I'm seeing it more negatively... I'm still worried she just got carried away in my company but now I'm not there, she might go back to her initial decision.

    Any input/thoughts would be appreciated and possibly help give me a more realistic perspective. How should I approach this now?

    Thanks

  2. #2
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    Why did she break up with you?

  3. #3

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    Intimacy issues (She has a medical problem in that department which has stopped us doing certain things) and I know I should have tried to help her more.

    Also she wanted me to grow up a bit and I can see that now. Hope it's not too late.

  4. #4
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    You were together for 5 years; you lived together; there were problems one of which was intimacy issues caused by her medical condition which prevented you from doing some things.

    That is kind of vague. Were you pushing for sexual activities she couldn't do knowing that she couldn't do them? Was she looking for more commitment, like marriage while you pulled back?

    People don't just move out. What if anything has she been complaining about or concerned about over the last few months?

    Unfortunately, by the time one person goes through all the trouble of ending a long term relationship & actually moving, it is often too late. I know when I finally ended a LTR where my needs weren't being met, I was so angry at him I couldn't hear anything he said when he tried to make it up to me & fix what was wrong.

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  6. #5

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    Update:

    She messaged today saying if I wanted us to extend the rent on the flat by a month for practical reasons then that would be no issue, but that I shouldn't do it in the hope that things will change between us.

    ing hell.

  7. #6
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    I'm not buying the medical thing, sounds like an excuse. Why is it suddenly an issue now 5 years down the line? Unless it's a change that happened recently as result of something else. There is more to this i am sure of it. Have you done something seriosuly wrong recently? Messed up?

    Sounds like shes setting you up for the friendzone regardless.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by TeeDee
    That is kind of vague. Were you pushing for sexual activities she couldn't do knowing that she couldn't do them? Was she looking for more commitment, like marriage while you pulled back?
    Same questions here.

    How exactly were these intimacy issues affecting your relationship, and in which ways did she want more help or understanding from you? I have the strong hunch that while these problems were significant, they weren't the only reason she chose to end it.

  9. #8

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    She's never been able to have penetrative sex because it's excruciating for her. We/she have tried medication, therapy and surgery. Nothing. She feels I wasn't interested in other sexual activities with her (foreplay) but there's only so much of that one can get excited about. She said yesterday she feels I should have gone to more therapy sessions with her and so on, and she's right. I guess I didn't realise at the time.

    She definitely had a more old school view of marriage in that she strongly believes in it and so on, and whilst I'm not opposed, I think she feels it was getting too late. I had told her prior though that it was coming and that I definitely wanted children (all true).

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    At your meeting, she was plain relieved it didn't wind up in ugly drama, so she was just happy about that. When a person cares, she works on problems together with you instead of bailing. She has reached the point of no return--that's why she made such a major decision.

    Since you are not sexually satisfied, given time and distance away from the relationship, you will see that she did you a favor by breaking up. After you mourn and heal, you will then be free to find someone who matches you in all the major ways, including sexually.

    After the apartment and possessions situation is sorted out, tell her you will have to go no contact for closure. It'll be a good 4-6 months before you will no longer think of her daily, but it's a process you will need to get through to get to chapter 2 of your life. Good luck.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Whose place is it? Is she on the lease? How long have you lived together? Unfortunately it sounds like she's been unhappy for a long long time and you never listened/noticed. That is usually what the "too late" response you're seeing from her means. Sorry it sounds like she's thought this through and is done. She's being detached and systematic and is only interested in working out the apt details.
    Originally Posted by OooEee

    My girlfriend of 5 years broke up with me a week ago.
    She messaged in the week and said we should meet to discuss the apartment, so yesterday we did. Despite saying she wouldn't, she popped into the apartment as well and picked up some more stuff.

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