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Thread: Girlfriend went back to her abusive ex. Need help understanding why?

  1. #1
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    Girlfriend went back to her abusive ex. Need help understanding why?

    I have been dating this girl for about 6 months, although we had known each other for almost three years. I started dating her shortly after she broke up with a guy who was mean to her, did not respect her and in the end cheated on her. I knew this was a bad idea to start dating a girl who was freshly out of a relationship and didn't have enough time and space to heal, but she said it was worth to give me a chance as I was her best friend.

    We spent wonderful time together, things got more intimate, I noticed she was slowly falling in love with me. One time she even said she was 100% sure she would be my wife. We were so happy, until she changed her job and it turned out her ex boyfriend worked nearby. They met a couple of times and started texting each other. She was honest about it but told me I shouldn't worry as she didn't intend to go back to him, just wanted to see if he regretted what he had done to her. She wanted to see any sign of remorse in him.

    Then things got out of hand. We quarreled a lot because of my envy and ultimately she decided to break up with me as she lost her patience. A couple of days later she started posting pictures on instagram with her ex. She looked so happy, so in love. I felt devastated and shocked. I texted her a couple of times and asked if she believed that this guy had really changed. She said he had become a totally different man, he'd grown up and she was so in love with him. Her tone was cold and distant, I felt like an intruder that wanted to destroy her happy life. I'm now three months into NC but looking at her instagram pictures, she doesn't seem to miss me at all. She's enjoying her new life and looks so in love. How is that possible? Will she forget me forever? Is It possible a guy who treated her badly and cheated on her has changed and will be good for her?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Stop looking at Instagram photos, you will never get over her if you do that. Dont look at any of her social media and stop texting her.

  3. #3
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    Sorry you're going through this, but your original instinct that it was too soon to date her was correct. For yourself, no contact should mean no looking up Instagram or any other social media website, as it will pull the scab off your own healing as surely as phoning or meeting her would.

    Put simply, she had not had enough time to process her feelings following her breakup and move on from it. You were the rebound, whatever she said to reassure you. She and her ex/current partner are still in the honeymoon phase of their relationship, by the sound of it, so of course they look happy and in love. Her ex isn't a totally different man. They've just hit the 'reset' button on their relationship and neither has had time to reflect meaningfully and grow from the experience. It will just be a matter of time before the old patterns reassert themselves.

    Meanwhile, put her firmly behind you. Don't look at her photos or try to keep tabs on her in any way. And listen to your instincts.

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    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Never never never ignore your instincts.

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    It's because that's the only way she knows. "He will change this time. He is sooo sorry for hurting me. He loves me. I deserved it" - that's most likely her way of thinking.
    She ran from relationship to relationship, without letting herself propper healing and viewing the relationship for what it was.

    It's like going from one high to another without allowing yourself to see what the drug actually does to you.

  7. #6
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    You were a rebound, and you are right, you never should have gotten involved with her.

    Sorry, she was never in love with lyou, and clearly was not over him. He has not changed. Sadly, she gets something out of the drama and abuse.

    You need to address why you would want someone who cheated on and dumped you, and is clearly attracted to an unhealthy dynamic. What does that say about your choices in women!

  8. #7
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    Thanks guys! Lots of useful advice, I really apreciate It. Clearly, I made a mistake. You're all right, I didn'tmake a good choice and should have trusted my gut. I think I've learned a lesson and now I should move on. Guess the best I can do now is to stop looking at her istagram and try to think as little about what happend as possible.

    There's just one thing that bothers me though. Granted I was her rebound, does that mean she didn't feel anything for me? Did she lie all the time? Maybe she lied to herself to to drown out feelings for her ex? I may be fooling myself, but I hope she did feel something for me, at least some kind of friendship, some attachment, but her revived love for her ex helped her to fill the gap in her heart after our break-up, that's why she seems not to miss me.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Well....look....just because someone isn't with you anymore or you aren't dating them doesn't mean that they suddenly got amnesia and don't remember you or appreciate their time with you. It's just that they opted to move on in a different direction and you are no longer a part of their present. You need to do the same. Move on and focus on your own life. Definitely stop looking at her social media. You should know that people always create a great image of a wonderful life on there, but that it's rarely reality. Don't get caught up in that, especially when it's keeping you stuck in the past dwelling on your ex. She is now just a part of your history.

  10. #9
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    I'm sure she cared about you and enjoyed her time with you. Unfortunately, I do not think she loved you, or she would not have ended things and returned to the creep. I'm sorry.

    I have been there, too. It will take time to get over this. The positive about my experience was to choose more appropriate people. If you learn from this experience, you will be more aware and follow through on red flags. It will save your heart.

    Please block and delete this woman.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member SGH's Avatar
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    Don't be surprised if she comes back around when her ex cheats on her again. Work on getting over her, so if it happens, you won't fall prey to the same situation a second time.

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