So confused. Outside perspective appreciated.

Hi all,

My girlfriend of 5 years broke up with me a week ago. Yes, there were problems but I didn't realise it would come to this. She got some of her stuff and went back to her parents. To say I've been a mess is an understatement. I haven't coped at all.

She messaged in the week and said we should meet to discuss the apartment, so yesterday we did. At first, she seemed like she was trying to stick to her decision, as the problems were 'too late to fix' and so on, but as the day went on, we had such a laugh and so much fun and teasing. She suggested that she pay for more hours parking so we could keep hanging out and having a nice time. Despite saying she wouldn't, she popped into the apartment as well and picked up some more stuff. She got upset and asked for a hug.

In the evening I texted to say thanks for a good day and we exchanged a few messages. She seemed relaxed and said we should have a break from meeting now but that she's happy to communicate by text.

Last night I felt so optimistic about this as I want her back, but this morning I'm seeing it more negatively... I'm still worried she just got carried away in my company but now I'm not there, she might go back to her initial decision.

Any input/thoughts would be appreciated and possibly help give me a more realistic perspective. How should I approach this now?

Thanks

Why did she break up with you?

Intimacy issues (She has a medical problem in that department which has stopped us doing certain things) and I know I should have tried to help her more.

Also she wanted me to grow up a bit and I can see that now. Hope it's not too late.

You were together for 5 years; you lived together; there were problems one of which was intimacy issues caused by her medical condition which prevented you from doing some things.

That is kind of vague. Were you pushing for sexual activities she couldn't do knowing that she couldn't do them? Was she looking for more commitment, like marriage while you pulled back?

People don't just move out. What if anything has she been complaining about or concerned about over the last few months?

Unfortunately, by the time one person goes through all the trouble of ending a long term relationship & actually moving, it is often too late. I know when I finally ended a LTR where my needs weren't being met, I was so angry at him I couldn't hear anything he said when he tried to make it up to me & fix what was wrong.

Update:

She messaged today saying if I wanted us to extend the rent on the flat by a month for practical reasons then that would be no issue, but that I shouldn't do it in the hope that things will change between us.

ing hell.

I'm not buying the medical thing, sounds like an excuse. Why is it suddenly an issue now 5 years down the line? Unless it's a change that happened recently as result of something else. There is more to this i am sure of it. Have you done something seriosuly wrong recently? Messed up?

Sounds like shes setting you up for the friendzone regardless.

That is kind of vague. Were you pushing for sexual activities she couldn't do knowing that she couldn't do them? Was she looking for more commitment, like marriage while you pulled back?

Same questions here.

How exactly were these intimacy issues affecting your relationship, and in which ways did she want more help or understanding from you? I have the strong hunch that while these problems were significant, they weren't the only reason she chose to end it.

She's never been able to have penetrative sex because it's excruciating for her. We/she have tried medication, therapy and surgery. Nothing. She feels I wasn't interested in other sexual activities with her (foreplay) but there's only so much of that one can get excited about. She said yesterday she feels I should have gone to more therapy sessions with her and so on, and she's right. I guess I didn't realise at the time.

She definitely had a more old school view of marriage in that she strongly believes in it and so on, and whilst I'm not opposed, I think she feels it was getting too late. I had told her prior though that it was coming and that I definitely wanted children (all true).

At your meeting, she was plain relieved it didn't wind up in ugly drama, so she was just happy about that. When a person cares, she works on problems together with you instead of bailing. She has reached the point of no return--that's why she made such a major decision.

Since you are not sexually satisfied, given time and distance away from the relationship, you will see that she did you a favor by breaking up. After you mourn and heal, you will then be free to find someone who matches you in all the major ways, including sexually.

After the apartment and possessions situation is sorted out, tell her you will have to go no contact for closure. It'll be a good 4-6 months before you will no longer think of her daily, but it's a process you will need to get through to get to chapter 2 of your life. Good luck.

Whose place is it? Is she on the lease? How long have you lived together? Unfortunately it sounds like she's been unhappy for a long long time and you never listened/noticed. That is usually what the "too late" response you're seeing from her means. Sorry it sounds like she's thought this through and is done. She's being detached and systematic and is only interested in working out the apt details.

 

My girlfriend of 5 years broke up with me a week ago.

She messaged in the week and said we should meet to discuss the apartment, so yesterday we did. Despite saying she wouldn't, she popped into the apartment as well and picked up some more stuff.

This is over and done. She shouldn't have spent the whole day with you working out the apartment details. It should have taken a few minutes or an hour at most to discuss it and pick up her things. Spending time together until the evening was not kind to you and it gave you hope. Take this all with a grain of salt, know that it's over and restart your life.

She's being cordial and generous with the apartment plans - nothing more. Resist any hang outs again or extended stays going forward. Take the gist of the message and learn from the experience. Remember that it takes two to make a relationship work. If you need to grow up according to her, maybe she does too.

Since she moved back home to her parents, she may also need the support of her family while she sorts herself out. This is not a person who seems like she's flourishing or like she's about to ride out in her chariot to conquer the world. She's recuperating. Let her go to heal.

She's never been able to have penetrative sex because it's excruciating for her. We/she have tried medication, therapy and surgery. Nothing. She feels I wasn't interested in other sexual activities with her (foreplay) but there's only so much of that one can get excited about. She said yesterday she feels I should have gone to more therapy sessions with her and so on, and she's right. I guess I didn't realise at the time.

 

She definitely had a more old school view of marriage in that she strongly believes in it and so on, and whilst I'm not opposed, I think she feels it was getting too late. I had told her prior though that it was coming and that I definitely wanted children (all true).

It sounds likes has endometriosis, which is horrible and painful.

I am sorry, but this is not going to work out. You can't have sex and you do not want to get married. Time to move on

Thanks for all your honest replies so far, despite none of them being what I want to hear.

She left me 4 years ago for a couple of weeks and that was hard (before we lived together) and then came back. I guess that brings the hope.

I guess the frustration is how I stood by her and her issue for so long and I'm not sure some guys would have. I gave her lots of suggestions going forward. Why are people so stubborn in the sense that we have to work everything out for ourselves? Why is it too late once they've gone? It seems unacceptableto act upon mistakes after the event, which makes no sense to me.

I was definitely getting ready for marriage and children and she knows that. Ok, maybe a couple years behind her schedule at most but it was coming. Every other aspect of us was completely amazing.

Struggling so much with this. Having OCD isn't helping when it comes to getting stuff out my head.

She's had discussions about that and the potential treatments haven't worked. I know we can't have sex but she's worth it. She will be in the same situation with others. Poor thing, honestly, I wish I could make it go away for her.

Thanks for all your honest replies so far, despite none of them being what I want to hear.

 

She left me 4 years ago for a couple of weeks and that was hard (before we lived together) and then came back. I guess that brings the hope.

 

I guess the frustration is how I stood by her and her issue for so long and I'm not sure some guys would have. I gave her lots of suggestions going forward. Why are people so stubborn in the sense that we have to work everything out for ourselves? Why is it too late once they've gone? It seems unacceptableto act upon mistakes after the event, which makes no sense to me.

 

I was definitely getting ready for marriage and children and she knows that. Ok, maybe a couple years behind her schedule at most but it was coming. Every other aspect of us was completely amazing.

 

Struggling so much with this. Having OCD isn't helping when it comes to getting stuff out my head.

Because both parties have to be on board. It can't be just you who wants to work things out, she has to want it too. You can't force or will her to want what you want.

Relationships are the result of free will. If she chooses "no", you can either accept her decision or refuse to but the result will be the same; you're broken up.

I'm sorry, I know it's painful.

She's had discussions about that and the potential treatments haven't worked. I know we can't have sex but she's worth it. She will be in the same situation with others. Poor thing, honestly, I wish I could make it go away for her.

I was on a hormonal treatment with testosterone. Saved my life- they have pulled it from the market due to high cancer risks. I finally had to get a hysterectomy. I wish I had done it earlier- I had it at 50. I had held off for years. A hysterectomy is not always a solution for all. I put it off for 30 years.

I am assuming that you do not want kids? If she has endo, it is very difficult to get pregnant. Infertility is common with the disease.

OP, don't beat yourself up, this is a tough situation. She is done, and if you want kids, she is not the girl for you. Accept it.

She feels I wasn't interested in other sexual activities with her (foreplay) but there's only so much of that one can get excited about.

So, was she right about that?

It sounds as though you were frustrated too, and she knew it. How did you express this frustration?

She was right, yeah. She acknowledged yesterday that she thinks it is likely to be the same with other guys in the future and that she probably won't find anybody else.

I was always honest and said that foreplay can be fun at times but not always, and the actual frustration was shown in the form of me not initiating things with her. She always offered to relieve me after I'd helped her with her 'practices' and 'exercises' and got frustrated when I declined, but I told her lots of times that it was quite difficult considering she had been crying after getting frustrated at her pain.

I think it's going to be better to stay broken up, OP.

Earlier, you said this: "I know we can't have sex but she's worth it."

But your most recent reply on this thread indicates that you weren't really okay with no sex. That's not totally unreasonable, as most people want to have sex with their partner. However, she knew you weren't happy with this element of the relationship and there is little she is able to do about it at this point.

You're right, but having frustration in that was a compromise. I guess everybody has to compromise something...

TBH after reading through this thread...I don't think this has anything to do with her medical issues or lack of intimacy. You have made it clear to her you are ok with it, working through it with her, and why would she give up on someone that loves her just for who she is? disease and all? She's not telling you the truth.

Hi again Holly,

Did you have the same issue with sex then? Was it the hysterectomy that changed things, or?

Thanks

I realize you have been together for a long time but you need to give some thought to the idea that this relationship has run it's course.

She can't have penetrative sex. She perceived that you had grown tired of other kinds of sex when you declined her offers to help you out. If you are honest with yourself you have to admit that as gracious & understanding as you have been, you would like real sex. That is a natural human desire. It's not your fault but she probably feels "less than" so she has walked away.

Based on what you stated, I believe that this relationship is over. Whatever the reason is, intimacy issues or just plain incompatibility- I think that she is done. I believe that she wants to part ways with no bad feelings, but it was a bit misleading for her to spend the day with you, giving you false hope of a reconciliation when she was just enjoying your company as a platonic friend, and adding a clause of "dont get your hopes up." Not cool.

As far as the breakup, she had to have been pondering this for quite some time. We usually check out mentally and emotionally before leaving for good. It seems like there would've been warning signs from her that she wasnt happy. I told my ex that he would miss me after I was gone, several times before i actually left. Sounds like the breakup caught you off guard-- i know for a fact that my ex didnt see it coming- even though I warned him for 2 years that he wouldn't see it coming when I did leave. And he didnt.

I ran into this ex 6 months ago. I only viewed him as an ex, but he was still interested in sex and Intimacy. So I stay away completely now, so as to not lead him on. And your ex needs to stay away too.

I said all that to say that I'm sorry that you're still hurting from her departure. This is really for the best because you both can find someone else that you're more compatible with. She needs to leave you alone so that you can process the breakup, heal and move forward. If she continues to come around, she probably still cares for you but its selfish of her because she cant have it both ways. She cant dump you, then remain "friends." She cant keep coming around so that you cant meet someone else either. And if she doesnt leave you alone, YOU need to cut contact for your own healing.

Please understand that some women can come around their exes for an ego boost, for attention, or just because they know he still cares- and they know they will never return to the relationship that you still want with them. Not saying your ex would do this- just explaining why you need to eliminate all contact with her if she doesnt want to reconcile. She left you, so she needs to miss you and feel your absence. She needs to know that you are out there free to date other women. This will either make her realize she made a mistake and she will seek you out or she will realize that she's happier without you, and okay with you seeing other women and she will keep it moving.

This too shall pass, and then you will one day meet someone who may become the next love of your life.

Be grateful she's being honest. After five years and especially living together you both know the players and the game, so this was a long time coming. She wanted a commitment, marriage and family. You didn't. It wasn't working. Don't pity anyone you date or try to play doctor. Never try to fix anyone, particularly for your own reasons. Not your job. If her medical issues got in your way be grateful it's over. Focus on the move out logistics.

 

She messaged today saying if I wanted us to extend the rent on the flat by a month for practical reasons then that would be no issue, but that I shouldn't do it in the hope that things will change between us.