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Thread: So confused. Outside perspective appreciated.

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    This is over and done. She shouldn't have spent the whole day with you working out the apartment details. It should have taken a few minutes or an hour at most to discuss it and pick up her things. Spending time together until the evening was not kind to you and it gave you hope. Take this all with a grain of salt, know that it's over and restart your life.

    She's being cordial and generous with the apartment plans - nothing more. Resist any hang outs again or extended stays going forward. Take the gist of the message and learn from the experience. Remember that it takes two to make a relationship work. If you need to grow up according to her, maybe she does too.

    Since she moved back home to her parents, she may also need the support of her family while she sorts herself out. This is not a person who seems like she's flourishing or like she's about to ride out in her chariot to conquer the world. She's recuperating. Let her go to heal.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by OooEee
    She's never been able to have penetrative sex because it's excruciating for her. We/she have tried medication, therapy and surgery. Nothing. She feels I wasn't interested in other sexual activities with her (foreplay) but there's only so much of that one can get excited about. She said yesterday she feels I should have gone to more therapy sessions with her and so on, and she's right. I guess I didn't realise at the time.

    She definitely had a more old school view of marriage in that she strongly believes in it and so on, and whilst I'm not opposed, I think she feels it was getting too late. I had told her prior though that it was coming and that I definitely wanted children (all true).
    It sounds likes has endometriosis, which is horrible and painful.

    I am sorry, but this is not going to work out. You can't have sex and you do not want to get married. Time to move on
    Last edited by Hollyj; 09-01-2019 at 12:42 PM.

  3. #13

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    Thanks for all your honest replies so far, despite none of them being what I want to hear.

    She left me 4 years ago for a couple of weeks and that was hard (before we lived together) and then came back. I guess that brings the hope.

    I guess the frustration is how I stood by her and her issue for so long and I'm not sure some guys would have. I gave her lots of suggestions going forward. Why are people so stubborn in the sense that we have to work everything out for ourselves? Why is it too late once they've gone? It seems unacceptableto act upon mistakes after the event, which makes no sense to me.

    I was definitely getting ready for marriage and children and she knows that. Ok, maybe a couple years behind her schedule at most but it was coming. Every other aspect of us was completely amazing.

    Struggling so much with this. Having OCD isn't helping when it comes to getting stuff out my head.

  4. #14

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    She's had discussions about that and the potential treatments haven't worked. I know we can't have sex but she's worth it. She will be in the same situation with others. Poor thing, honestly, I wish I could make it go away for her.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by OooEee
    Thanks for all your honest replies so far, despite none of them being what I want to hear.

    She left me 4 years ago for a couple of weeks and that was hard (before we lived together) and then came back. I guess that brings the hope.

    I guess the frustration is how I stood by her and her issue for so long and I'm not sure some guys would have. I gave her lots of suggestions going forward. Why are people so stubborn in the sense that we have to work everything out for ourselves? Why is it too late once they've gone? It seems unacceptableto act upon mistakes after the event, which makes no sense to me.

    I was definitely getting ready for marriage and children and she knows that. Ok, maybe a couple years behind her schedule at most but it was coming. Every other aspect of us was completely amazing.

    Struggling so much with this. Having OCD isn't helping when it comes to getting stuff out my head.
    Because both parties have to be on board. It can't be just you who wants to work things out, she has to want it too. You can't force or will her to want what you want.

    Relationships are the result of free will. If she chooses "no", you can either accept her decision or refuse to but the result will be the same; you're broken up.

    I'm sorry, I know it's painful.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by OooEee
    She's had discussions about that and the potential treatments haven't worked. I know we can't have sex but she's worth it. She will be in the same situation with others. Poor thing, honestly, I wish I could make it go away for her.
    I was on a hormonal treatment with testosterone. Saved my life- they have pulled it from the market due to high cancer risks. I finally had to get a hysterectomy. I wish I had done it earlier- I had it at 50. I had held off for years. A hysterectomy is not always a solution for all. I put it off for 30 years.

    I am assuming that you do not want kids? If she has endo, it is very difficult to get pregnant. Infertility is common with the disease.

    OP, don't beat yourself up, this is a tough situation. She is done, and if you want kids, she is not the girl for you. Accept it.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 09-01-2019 at 01:02 PM.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by OooEee
    She feels I wasn't interested in other sexual activities with her (foreplay) but there's only so much of that one can get excited about.
    So, was she right about that?

    It sounds as though you were frustrated too, and she knew it. How did you express this frustration?

  9. #18

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    She was right, yeah. She acknowledged yesterday that she thinks it is likely to be the same with other guys in the future and that she probably won't find anybody else.

    I was always honest and said that foreplay can be fun at times but not always, and the actual frustration was shown in the form of me not initiating things with her. She always offered to relieve me after I'd helped her with her 'practices' and 'exercises' and got frustrated when I declined, but I told her lots of times that it was quite difficult considering she had been crying after getting frustrated at her pain.

  10. #19
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    I think it's going to be better to stay broken up, OP.

    Earlier, you said this: "I know we can't have sex but she's worth it."

    But your most recent reply on this thread indicates that you weren't really okay with no sex. That's not totally unreasonable, as most people want to have sex with their partner. However, she knew you weren't happy with this element of the relationship and there is little she is able to do about it at this point.

  11. #20

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    You're right, but having frustration in that was a compromise. I guess everybody has to compromise something...

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