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Thread: How do I know if I'm truly bisexual?

  1. #1

    How do I know if I'm truly bisexual?

    Hey happy campers, I'm currently in that point in time during high school where I'm just trying to figure my sh*t out. I've had those typical crushes on guys (I'm cis girl) since the beginning of time, but only recently I started having feelings for another girl who I know is bi. The problem is I've never kissed or had sex with anyone regardless of gender. So do you need to have sex/kiss a girl or guy to truly know your sexuality or does feelings count? Thanks.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Why don't you try dating boys and girls? Right now you express strong feelings for a girlfriend. And you express crushes on guys. Just like anyone else, discovering sexuality is a process, whether it's bi, straight, lesbian, whatever. Take it slow. You don't have to rush into a trendy label. Just be yourself and reflect and note your feelings. You'll know when you know.
    Originally Posted by firefly03
    Basically, I'm in love with a friend (same gender as me) as I fiddled over my sexuality, I realized I was bisexual when I began to fall in love with her.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    No, you do not need to have sex or kiss a person to know your sexuality. It's often innate (within you). Expand your social circles more, don't make anyone uncomfortable by asking others about their sexual preferences, get to know people for who they are. As you mingle a bit more and learn from others, you'll start to connect the dots for yourself.

    It seems you're trying hard to belong to a category or identify safely as one thing or another. It's not unusual to find safety in numbers, to deeply long for or seek like-minded individuals who understand us. I think you are searching for understanding and acceptance in your life. The only thing that really will help you situate yourself eventually is in learning more about people in general and learning more about yourself in relation to others. It will all come together.

    Since you are in highschool, my only suggestion is to resist being fixated about sex and concentrate on your studies. Being bi is not going to help you enter university or improve your grades. It probably won't make you as popular as you think and even if you do identify as gay, straight or bi and have sex with everyone, it won't hasten the awkwardness of highschool or give you the happiness you seek. Be grounded in your choices and just remember to respect yourself and love yourself, regardless of what you are.

  4. #4
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    I will second that I don't think that you actually need to have sex with a certain gender to know your sexuality. Some people who are gay for example just know they are gay. They didn't need to have sex with the opposite gender to prove anything or find out anything because sexuality is not only based on actually physically having sex. People who are a virgin still have a sexuality in the sense that they can know who and what they find physically and sexually attractive (and emotionally also).

    I'm bisexual/pansexual myself and also have many friends who are various kinds of GLBTIQ+. Something I've realised is that sexuality can be on a spectrum and also fluid. Unless you are 100% straight then sexuality could be a mixture of anything. Personally I realised that I actually romantically just like PEOPLE in general, no matter they gender. I never really think of people as what gender they are in terms of my attraction and interest. Say if I like a woman, of course I know she's a woman but if she was the same person (personality) but in a male body I'd still like that person. So I like who they actually are and not their gender.

    Other people I've known might say they're bisexual but they're not exactly 50/50 liking of male and female. Could be that they mostly like one gender but occasionally they get interested in a different gender. I guess you could also call that fluid.

    I don't understand Rosse Mosse why you're saying that OP just wants to be bisexual because she wants to belong to a group or a label or to seem more popular. I actually find that view annoying as a bisexual. People have told me in the past that I only say I'm bisexual because it's cool or I want attention. This is quite offensive because being bisexual is a real sexuality and also you are mistaken in thinking people think it's cool. A lot of people are actually prejudiced against bisexual people because they think it's not a thing. Even some gay people were judgemental towards me and were like: "Being bi is not real, there is only gay and straight."

    If OP wants to experiment or find out more about her sexuality then why not? She has full right to do that, as long as she uses protection and is safe of course. Exploring your sexuality also doesn't even have to be sexual. E.g. even just going on dates, holding hands and kissing can give an indication. If OP is quite young then probably might be better to hold off on the sex and just concentrate more on the emotional connection and friendship side of dating. I don't want to give the advice to have sex, as I'm sure of your age OP.

    I also just want to point out that realising what your sexuality is, is not always just easy and straightforward. Some people might say: "I always just knew I was gay since I was a small child". Some people do just know, but others don't. Some might only realise what their true sexuality is as adults!

    Until the age of 14 I liked only boys. I didn't really have much sexual feeling until then but I had emotional and romantic interest in boys. I had a lot of boy crushes and I'd kissed boys.

    At 14 my hormones all of a sudden went crazy and I began to get strong sexual feelings, but they were for females only. I was definitely confused and wondering what was going on. I'd always liked boys so how does liking girls just come out of the blue? It wasn't a phase though because I still feel exactly the same way and I'm 34.

    I don't think there is right or wrong or needs to be pressure to know quickly what your sexuality is. I mean even if you spent 5-6 years figuring it out, so what? Understanding of your sexuality also needs experience and it can take a while to have the experiences that help you figure it out.

    I would suggest also looking at various GLBTIQ web sites (probably better if for young people) and getting information there. Maybe talking on forums to other people who have gone through the same thing.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Tinydance
    I don't understand Rosse Mosse why you're saying that OP just wants to be bisexual because she wants to belong to a group or a label or to seem more popular. I actually find that view annoying as a bisexual. People have told me in the past that I only say I'm bisexual because it's cool or I want attention. This is quite offensive because being bisexual is a real sexuality and also you are mistaken in thinking people think it's cool. A lot of people are actually prejudiced against bisexual people because they think it's not a thing. Even some gay people were judgemental towards me and were like: "Being bi is not real, there is only gay and straight."

    If OP wants to experiment or find out more about her sexuality then why not? She has full right to do that, as long as she uses protection and is safe of course. Exploring your sexuality also doesn't even have to be sexual. E.g. even just going on dates, holding hands and kissing can give an indication. If OP is quite young then probably might be better to hold off on the sex and just concentrate more on the emotional connection and friendship side of dating. I don't want to give the advice to have sex, as I'm sure of your age OP.
    Yes, I agree with you. It is quite annoying. What I've also found equally annoying is an overemphasis on sexuality when what I'm seeking for is a more all-rounded identity. I prefer connecting with people as people as a whole, not based on one part of their lives.

    A person can be a number of things and still know what they are in the privacy of their relationships. It's my view that it doesn't need to be exposed in order for others to gain understanding. Like you, I've mingled with others in the gay community who don't treat it very seriously. In every group of people we have individuals who don't treat others well. If we base our worth on the way a minority treats us in passing (strangers), I think there's a danger in getting upset over a lot of what people have to say. People are permitted to have their own opinions also. There is free speech. In my experience the application of bisexual has only garnered minimal misunderstanding where I live (Vancouver, BC). I have also stopped associating with groups based on sexuality alone. It is one-sided and not part of my whole identity. I've found it more rewarding applying other parts of my identity in the way I live. To be honest with you, I have very little interest in getting annoyed in general. More intellectual and open circles will acknowledge a person as a whole person.

    What I might not have conveyed accurately in my earlier post is the emphasis on remaining true to herself and focusing on her schoolwork. There are all kinds of people out there. It's a matter of picking your battles and learning to sidestep drivel and not-so-useful opinion. I think it's respectful to maintain some discretion when it comes to a person's personal life. In the same way a straight person doesn't hang out his or her laundry for everyone to see, I think it's common courtesy not to blatantly bring sexuality up in every conversation or at the forefront of a person's identity. There should be a lot more underneath or to a person than that.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Yes, I agree with you. It is quite annoying. What I've also found equally annoying is an overemphasis on sexuality when what I'm seeking for is a more all-rounded identity. I prefer connecting with people as people as a whole, not based on one part of their lives.

    A person can be a number of things and still know what they are in the privacy of their relationships. It's my view that it doesn't need to be exposed in order for others to gain understanding. Like you, I've mingled with others in the gay community who don't treat it very seriously. In every group of people we have individuals who don't treat others well. If we base our worth on the way a minority treats us in passing (strangers), I think there's a danger in getting upset over a lot of what people have to say. People are permitted to have their own opinions also. There is free speech. In my experience the application of bisexual has only garnered minimal misunderstanding where I live (Vancouver, BC). I have also stopped associating with groups based on sexuality alone. It is one-sided and not part of my whole identity. I've found it more rewarding applying other parts of my identity in the way I live. To be honest with you, I have very little interest in getting annoyed in general. More intellectual and open circles will acknowledge a person as a whole person.

    What I might not have conveyed accurately in my earlier post is the emphasis on remaining true to herself and focusing on her schoolwork. There are all kinds of people out there. It's a matter of picking your battles and learning to sidestep drivel and not-so-useful opinion. I think it's respectful to maintain some discretion when it comes to a person's personal life. In the same way a straight person doesn't hang out his or her laundry for everyone to see, I think it's common courtesy not to blatantly bring sexuality up in every conversation or at the forefront of a person's identity. There should be a lot more underneath or to a person than that.
    Yes I agree with you and I understand that definitely there is more to the person than sexuality. I just don't understand why it's not OK to focus on sexuality as part of identity in OP's case? She is a teenager I presume and she is growing as a person and trying to figure out who she is. THIS particular post is about sexuality. I think that sexuality can be discussed in the right context and there is nothing wrong with it. Of course when I first meet people, I don't say: "Hi, I'm Tinydsnce and I'm bisexual". But if in a group of friends or people at a party or something, people begin talking about their sexuality, then I will talk about mine. Sexuality still is a large part of someone's identity and life. A lot of my friends are GLBTIQ and that has shaped my life in its own unique way. I also think there is a big difference between identifying with a certain sexuality just to have a "group" to be in or to "seem cool" and labelling yourself a certain sexuality because you genuinely connect with it, and you also connect with other people you can relate to.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Tinydance
    I just don't understand why it's not OK to focus on sexuality as part of identity in OP's case? She is a teenager I presume and she is growing as a person and trying to figure out who she is. THIS particular post is about sexuality. I think that sexuality can be discussed in the right context and there is nothing wrong with it.
    Yes, this is a very good point. I agree that it should be discussed and explored. I'm sorry for the confusion. Highschool is quite pressurized for young people at this time and I'm not sure this should be a priority. This discussion may be more appropriate in college or on campus where there are more advocates, support groups and group associations where she may mingle with others and decide where she lies on the spectrum. Part of why there may be confusion for her is the lack of support in highschool. I would encourage her to look into groups if there are any. I'm suggesting for her to keep her eye on the bigger picture (remain focused on all her priorities): make sure she has her priorities straight, does well in school and I think it's a good idea to remain neutral in her sexuality until she has more opportunities to explore it in her college years. The OP has made two threads now about her sexuality (her only topics are about sexuality). When it boils down to it, I think she's too young to simply explore and go out, have sex indiscriminately and I don't think she has access to enough resources at her highschool. Some things can wait, even if for a short while longer.

    I'd encourage open discussion if this is what others need, especially the OP. She should feel safe to express herself but she is also still a child. There's time to grow and she doesn't have to do it all at once.

    I think your experiences are very positive and positive experiences are coveted and should be shared. More positive representations of all kinds are always valued and I think it helps to balance the ugly truth and history of discrimination and closed-mindedness that still exists. Outside of North America the discrimination and violence towards people who are not straight is staggering and a very painful reminder that the simple act of living as we are, true to ourselves, is not enough. Vancouver actually is not my original home. I am uncomfortably aware of what is going on in other parts of the world in relation to this topic and am keenly aware that a label is not about being popular. Thank you for sharing your experiences and being open about it.


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