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Are we over? It’s been 2 weeks


Lovelies

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I met this guy 2 months ago I’m 29 and he’s 35. We connected instantly. We went on a few dates and I like him very much. We never had the talk but know we are not dating anyone else because we are having sex. We try to see each other once a week, he lives 45 minutes away. The problem is he never calls! Just text! We text every other day. I spoke to him about it and he says he’s a texter and I’m not. So I went along because it was early and was hopeful later on we’ll have a better communication style. But that didn’t happen he insisted on just texting and one day I decided to call for the first time. He was sleeping and said he was calling back and never did. I got upset and told him he was not serious about me and if he wants to continue the relationship he’ll have to call me, And I'm no longer texting. He said just “ ok”. Because of his vague response I replied “don’t text me anymore and we are no longer cool”. I know I was dramatic but I’ve been compromising. 2 days after I realized I was harsh I told him that I was thinking about him. He didn’t reply. A week after I called him, he didn’t answer. I sent one last message apologizing for my outburst and explaining my frustration because we can’t possibly built a genuine connection through text and I like him and would like to get pass this and he did not reply. He’s not married I’ve been to his house, spent nights, make breakfast, go on dates. My friends think there’s someone else. It’s been two weeks since our fight is it over?

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You told him you were "no longer cool" and then you went back on it?

 

You panicked because you expected him to beg to keep seeing you. Or something. So you backpedaled. And it's not working.

 

Next time, don't say things you don't mean to try to manipulate someone into doing what you want. Also, figure out what's important to you and if a man doesn't meet your requirements you move on instead of trying to play games.

 

As for "are we over", well, you said you were. He's going by what you said.

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Typically things are over when we end them. You ended them when you asked him not to text and told him you weren't cool. I'd take his disinterest in reengaging after that as a pretty clear sign that he isn't interested in anything but taking you at your word and accepting that you guys don't gel, rather than hopping back on the rollercoaster.

 

Why, really, would you want this to be anything but over? Sounds like your very brief experience dating him wasn't very enjoyable.

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Sorry to hear this. It sounds like he correctly understood that you dumped him because you prefer talking to texting. Not much more you can do. Are you sure you're ready to date? Your friends are wrong. He's not responding because you dumped him.

 

Next time focus on in-person effort and reflect on where your anger is coming from. Also have an explicit exclusive talk rather than assuming anything. If someone's communication style bothers you this much, then you may not be compatible.

Because of his vague response I replied “don’t text me anymore and we are no longer cool”. 2 days after I realized I was harsh I told him that I was thinking about him. He didn’t reply. A week after I called him, he didn’t answer.
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Yes, I would say it's over. According to your wishes and him not exactly being the man you hoped for.

 

I realize you had regrets, but it's too late. I would encourage you to ask yourself if you really want him back, though. You were frustrated that never calls. This is something that is important to you, and was obviously causing some distress. He wasn't willing to meet you half-way on that. This would have become more of an issue over time, I suspect. There was an incompatibility in communication style.

 

Might there be someone else in his life? It's possible. You say you know he wasn't dating anyone else because you two were having sex. But I have to ask, is that something you actually clarified with him, or an assumption you were making? People can of course say anything and it doesn't mean it's true, but I am wondering if he told you directly he wasn't dating anyone else.

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No, its done now. You asked for things to change, he didn't comply, you got upset and now it's done.

 

It was 2 months in, no reason for either of you to be too attached.

 

In some ways you got on, but on things you didn't, such as texting, he wasn't interested in compromising. Let it go.

 

In future, no need to force. If he is a texter and you're not, and you've asked him nicely to call more and he hasn't, then he's not your guy.

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It may be over but that is not necessarily a bad thing. You spoke up. You made your needs known. He was unwilling to compromise. You held fast to your self worth. Nothing in there is bad. Yes it's sad that you are no longer enjoying a loving relationship but you are now free to pursue a superior relationship with somebody who values you & your needs.

 

As for your statement that you did not have the talk but you "knew" you were exclusive because you were sexually active, be careful. Assumptions like that can get you a broken heart &/or an STD. If you expect exclusivity you need to speak up. Not everybody equates sex with commitment.

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He's forcing you to stick to your original statement of your no longer texting him. When he said, "OK," he meant it. His definition to his answer to you was: "It's over." He went back to sleep after that.

 

Never underestimate others nor call their bluff. Be careful.

 

In the future, make sure the guy you're dating doesn't only text. See what he's like. Is he a good in person conversationalist? Is he fine with phone chats? You need to check these things out instead of proceeding with the relationship and finding this out later!

 

You don't know if there's someone else in his life. There's no point guessing.

 

Navigate yourself more wisely in the future. Be smart.

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From the post, I actually didn't just straight out get the impression that he wasn't interested or she was a booty call. They went on a number of dates in two months and he contacted her every other day. That is perfectly fine in early stages of dating, it's a normal pace. When you're still getting to know each other, you need to take it slow and not bombard the person and scare them away. So messaging every other day and seeing each other once or twice a week is fine. Texting the person all day every day and meeting every day is just too full-on.

 

You were actually very demanding and self fixated because YOU like phone calls, he doesn't. People may prefer different forms of communication and there may be legitimate reasons as to why that is. My fiance and also a friend suffer from anxiety and they both have anxiety about speaking on the phone. So they hate phone calls. I actually hate chatting on MSN Messenger but I don't mind texting. Everyone is different and yes it's OK to say how you feel but not just crudely demand: "Do as I say or it's over". Which is essentially what you were doing. You were ordering him to prefer YOUR method of communication. What if it was the other way around and he said texting was the way to go and he was dictating you only to text? If it was him saying your opinion was bad, how would you feel?

 

I actually think that while sufficient in between, all forms of communication other than in person are inferior to being with someone face-to-face. If anything you should have been asking him to have more dates and get to know each other in real life. Then you basically just lost it and said "we are not cool". I mean what was he meant to do? You were acting a bit too high maintenance so early on and who needs to be yelled at just because they're more of a texted than a phone call person.

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I don't know that you were "all that" in his mind when you flew off the handle, let alone before, and he probably was thinking, "next" and that he does not need to deal with a drama queen.

 

I agree that you were quick to pull the trigger and if this relationship were going in a different direction, he might have stepped back up to the plate; however, I think you accelerated what quite possibly was not going to work out in the long run. I can't say one way or the other, but you had already expressed that you would like a phone call or two instead of texting, and he refused to meet you in the middle, let alone a 20/80 split or 10/90, you know? It makes me feel that while he liked you, you really didn't hit that top tier, and he wasn't even willing to try. Granted, if he thinks you're going to get "psycho like his ex" (or mom or sister), he probably exited stage left without much thought...the answer is no. I tend to lean towards texting, but at my age, most of us grew up in the land of phones with cords, and most prefer phone calls...and I will comply...basically I expect some compromise. I've dated a few who don't bend on whatever it is, at all, and you hang out for awhile to see if your relationship grows in a way things can change, combine, blend...and if it doesn't, you need to make a choice if this will work for you long-term.

 

The guy did sound pretty great, so lesson learned - don't toss out ultimatums and end relationships as some sort of threat or calling it off...they may just take you up on it because frankly, who needs the headache? BUT...there's always a "but"...I do question his dedication to building something with you to a) not compromise at all; and b) quickly jump off the wagon at the second of conflict. He may not be the Prince Charming you thought he was. We will never know. He'll circle back around if you really sparked something in him...or he may circle back around as a back burner, or booty call...again...we don't know. If he does come back around, be careful that you're not just a filler.

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We never had the talk but know we are not dating anyone else because we are having sex.

 

This assumption is your first mistake. If you're not comfortable enough with someone to talk about where you both stand with one another, then why would you believe that sex implies the same degree of loyalty from him that it does for you?

 

The guy showed you his phone limits. You made it clear that those weren't enough for you, and the guy opted out. That doesn't make you 'wrong,' it just means that you were prematurely invested in someone who wasn't right for you.

 

Going forward, talk more about what you're looking for in dating, and learn whether the guy is looking for the same things. From there, make communication a priority as you learn about one another--before sex.

 

Speaking only for myself, I bond when I have sex. So it's really important for me to learn enough about someone to make informed choices about who, exactly, I'll want to bond WITH. It makes no sense to sleep first, ask questions later.

 

Head high, we all live and learn.

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