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Thread: Girl wants to casually date...how to make her 'want' you?

  1. #1
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    Girl wants to casually date...how to make her 'want' you?

    So i've been dating a girl for about three months. She's interested in casually dating without having any emotional investment, but when we're together, it's full-on couple type stuff. Hold hands, link arms, be openly physical with kissing, hugging, etc. and we've slept together as well. I'm not interested in a serious relationship with her yet, but would definitely like for our relationship to progress. I initiate 90% of our dates and when we're not together, we barely keep in contact...maybe a few texts here and there to see how things are going and to set the next date. We've spoken on the phone maybe once. Part of me feels that she's using me as a once-a-week boyfriend. I genuinely like being around her so i'm somewhat willing to put up with this charade, but for how long?

    So on our last date, which was great, we had a short talk about our situation at the very end (I brought it up). I started off by sorta poking fun at our situation, how we see each other once a week (which is fine) but barely talk during the week. She was being pretty evasive and wouldn't give a straight answer. She said "I really like you and I enjoy your company, but I don't want to cross the line into emotional investment and whatnot." Alright, fine. Understandable. I want to take things slow, but we have to be moving in some direction, don't we? I don't think she's a totally heartless person or anything, because she's displayed some definite flashes of wanting to be more serious with me.

    A little background info on her: she's a year removed from college, living in NYC. She has a solid circle of girlfriends and they all go out every weekend and spend a lot of time together. She occasionally (at least once a month) goes home for the weekend out of state.

    I'm not trying to steal away her time because she and I both have a solid schedule and weekend plans with friends, but i'd like her to show a little more attention to me...even a little thing like a text-message here and there. Because we see each other once a week and there's little to no contact between us, the lack of feedback drives me absolutely nuts. Again, i'm the one who typically initiates the contact and the date, so do I hold off and wait for her to come to me? I think I have the discipline, but sometimes I get the feeling that she'd rather just move on than attempt to keep me around.

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    I think she just wants a guy on her arm, but not a relationship. If you like that - then okay. I would actually take your own advice and not initiate dates as much. Let her call you sometime for a date. Also, I think that if she really doesn't want a relationship and you do, that you move on. Explain that you like her a lot but are looking for a relationship. And stick to it. Or casually date others, as she probably surely is, until you find the right one.

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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    I think she just wants a guy on her arm, but not a relationship. If you like that - then okay. I would actually take your own advice and not initiate dates as much. Let her call you sometime for a date. Also, I think that if she really doesn't want a relationship and you do, that you move on. Explain that you like her a lot but are looking for a relationship. And stick to it. Or casually date others, as she probably surely is, until you find the right one.
    I know the biggest pitfall in dating/relationships is having expectations. And based on the great times she and I share, I expect her to come to me.

    Like most people on this forum, i'm very afraid of getting heartbroken and I honestly have developed some emotional attraction to her. I really like spending time with her, but is it work the risk of getting hurt? I don't want to let her go just yet.

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    Originally Posted by canonrebel
    I know the biggest pitfall in dating/relationships is having expectations. And based on the great times she and I share, I expect her to come to me.

    Like most people on this forum, i'm very afraid of getting heartbroken and I honestly have developed some emotional attraction to her. I really like spending time with her, but is it work the risk of getting hurt? I don't want to let her go just yet.
    I would normally say if you guys just started out casually, see where it goes. However, she was extremely clear to you when you asked about the lack of contact that she does not want to get involved. As I have found out in life and in listening to experiences on this board, you can't cajole or force someone into changing that. Her behavior to you aside from actual dates has backed up her words. Right now, that is not where you are at - you DO want a relationship. It is pretty clear.

    btw, if you were to be in a relationship with someone who wanted a relationship, would YOU be able to see them more than once a week? Would they be invited once in awhile to come along with this set schedule of friend time? Or would you be able to sneak in a late night dessert or a dinner during your work week?

    I would do one of two things here: 1) Be honest that you are looking for something else and end it. Tell her you really want to meet someone who is more wanting a potential relationship 2) don't be Mr. 90% anymore. Ask her out a little less to see if she steps up and asks you out more. And also at the same time, go out with other girls too. Be casual if its casual. Meet others and date multiple until you meet the one you click with or that this naturally dwindles down. But #2 would be hard if you already have feelings. It just depends on what you are looking to have.

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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    It just depends on what you are looking to have.
    I'm certain now that she's not looking for a relationship and I know I can't coerce that side out of her, but I want to continue spending time together without having to be the one initiating all the contact. I wouldn't mind a spontaneous date like a late-night coffee/dessert as you suggested and would be opening to breaking my schedule here and there. I'm willing to accept that this is just a casual dating relationship for now, but it would be nice if it wasn't a one-way street.

    In all honesty, all I want is just a little attention.

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    I would say stop initiating dates and see what her reaction is. It sounds like the answer someone else said above might be true that she just wants a guy on her arm but it also sounds like she might be scared of emotional investment..maybe she's been burned bad by someone in her past? I hope you can work things out with her but if she keeps blowing you off like she is, it probably isn't worth your time.

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    oh btw I was going to ask you about your screen name....photographer I take it? if yes what do you shoot?

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    Originally Posted by ladyninja30
    maybe she's been burned bad by someone in her past?
    Yes.

    Her last relationship didn't end so well. She suspected he was cheating, and acted on impulse by logging into his Facebook account to read some messages he was swapping with his friend. Turns out her intuition was right; he and his friend were talking about a girl and about how he could've 'hit' that and whatnot. It was long relationship throughout college, and on the night we met, she was still getting over the whole situation. They split in December and she and I met the following February. She actually thought that her friend who called her out that night put me up to feigning interest or keeping her entertained that night. After a long ordeal that involved emotional draining, I can understand why she wants to keep it casual.

    As for my sn...i'm an amateur/hobbyist, not a pro!

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    To me it sounds like she just wants to have a good time right now and that right now you're satisfying that void.

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    Agree with two sided.

    She's young and likes to go out with girlfriends and lives in freaking NYC; she sounds like she just wants to go out and have fun and meet people, and have someone safe to fall back on when she needs male attention. I assume you live in NYC too, and that's what dating is like for most of the young folk here, or so I found. I wouldn't get so bogged down on this girl just because of the 1% chance that she may fall for you (after casually dating three months, the odds are that she's already made up her mind about you for the foreseeable future.) There's a big city out there; cut her loose before you get more attached and find another girl who's more on the same page as you (seriously, no excuse not to in a city like New York!) She's no shrinking violet...if she decides she wants you back, she knows where to find you.

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