Bad memory=liar??

Ok so I’m getting to know this guy we’ve been knowing each other but have really gotten close over the past few months he admittedly said he has trust issues cool I can deal I’m honest, but he asked me about my past and opened up I have nothing to hide. He asked if I had a sex buddy situation which I had cool no problem but later he asked how many people I had been with since my divorce and for some reason I totally forgot to name this guy and I have no idea why bc clearly I had already told him about it so now he thinks I’m hiding stuff but literally I just forgot like my memory is crazy bad sometimes sooo I don’t know what to do now bc I want to help build trust but I think it’s just not going to work out

He should not be asking these things. This is not relevant to your relationship.

"said he has trust issues" Why are you okay with this? He is already showing you that he will not trust you. You will have to prove yourself, over and over. Find someone who is more secure. His trust issues are a big red flag! In the future, run!

Soooo you think bc there’s trust issues on his part then I shouldn’t even waste my time?? I mean should I just be like well since you have trust issues then I gotta move on or do I even need to have a conversation about it??

No, you just say you don't think it will work and move on. There's no productive conversation to be had confronting someone like this. Try not to relish in drama. Great for TV, not so much for real life.

Soooo you think bc there’s trust issues on his part then I shouldn’t even waste my time?? I mean should I just be like well since you have trust issues then I gotta move on or do I even need to have a conversation about it??

Unless you want to continue to be accused of being a liar and of "hiding stuff".

These kind of people will bring this up over and over and over and you'll feel like you have to continually apologize or "make up" for "lying".

How exhausting!

Tell him if he brings it up one more time you're walking. And mean it.

Soooo you think bc there’s trust issues on his part then I shouldn’t even waste my time?? I mean should I just be like well since you have trust issues then I gotta move on or do I even need to have a conversation about it??

This is about him. You cannot win when someone does not trust you. You are only a couple of months in. You are not there to be his therapist and make him into a trusting individual. it does not work that way. You can already see he is testing you. Now, he s going to indefinitely punish you, because you forgot about that guy. Good grief, why would you sign up for that nonsense!

I’m in my 30s and it just seems like every guy I meet has some type of issue so I guess my struggle is which ones are just not worth my time and which ones are ones to work through?? I’m realistic and I know that no one’s perfect.

I’m in my 30s and it just seems like every guy I meet has some type of issue so I guess my struggle is which ones are just not worth my time and which ones are ones to work through?? I’m realistic and I know that no one’s perfect.

So it's time to explore why instead of walking away from "guys with issues", you choose to attach yourself to them. You find "issues" attractive for some reason. Why is that?

And no one is perfect, that's true, but imperfections should be more like not being so good matching your shirt with your pants or forgetting to put the toilet seat down or not being good at math. Not interrogating someone and then using that interrogation as a form of punishment.

I’m in my 30s and it just seems like every guy I meet has some type of issue so I guess my struggle is which ones are just not worth my time and which ones are ones to work through?? I’m realistic and I know that no one’s perfect.

If this is true, then it is who you are attracted to. You are not reacting to big red flags, but trying to make it work. You need to reflect on who you are choosing, as you are the common denominator. There are a lot of great guys out there!

When struggling to determine which people are worth the effort & which are not, you have to assess the whole picture. What do you see & hear? How does the person act? What words are they using when they speak? Does the person take responsibility for their own short comings? Look at the objective & the subjective. What is your gut telling you?

Here I am always suspect of adults who expect or offer too much detail about their prior sexual experiences. After a certain age most people have a past; someone without a sexual history that is telling too. For health reasons you have to be able to share generalizations -- I was married; I have never been with anybody HIV positive or an IV drug user etc. But the disclosure of names, activities, sizes, frequency, positions etc. is too much detail.

He may have trust issues but that doesn't allow him to punish you for somebody else's bad behavior in his past.

People with emotional baggage like trust issues have no business attempting to date. You sound like an easy going person who feels like flaws are par for the course. You need to learn the difference between dealbreaker flaws and inconsequential flaws. There's a huge difference. My husband was cheated on in both of his past longterm relationships, and he's never once been distrustful of me when I've spent time with girlfriends and gone on several trips with one of them.

And just because someone asks you a question, doesn't mean you have to answer. Learn that it's normal when first dating to give a brief summary of your past relationship history, such as: My last relationship ended a year ago and we were together two years. We grew apart. Before that, I had nothing serious.

Do not go into one-night stands, what you did sexually with someone, and give a play by play of every dating experience you've ever had. Even if you're an open book, it's nobody's business, and just puts a movie in the guy's head of you with other men. It's his sick psyche for even wanting to know this, only to regularly verbally abuse you about it.

This is an experience you should learn from--how to cut a loser loose as soon as you see a dealbreaker so you will be free when someone who is a better dating prospect comes along.

Thank you for taking the time to respond I never really thought about it like that.... you’re absolutely right and honestly I didn’t even really ask too many questions around that like you said I know everyone has a past that’s usually how I operate aside from the std thing I generally don’t ask too much beyond what a person feels comfortable sharing. I just hate like feeling like I’m on trial or something

" I just hate like feeling like I’m on trial or something" This is not normal!

Right... his reasoning for wanting to know things was so no one could tell him anything about me like he would know it all already

It's none of his business how many people you have slept with, nor that you had a FWB. He's looking for reasons not to trust you and to use your past against you. That is a huge red flag. One that I once ignored, and I lived to regret it.

Walk away from this guy, OP.

You will always be jumping through hoops with him, and he will keep holding those hoops higher and higher. Bad news.

Right... his reasoning for wanting to know things was so no one could tell him anything about me like he would know it all already

No.

Perfect, this is more than just this guy. You really need to address who you have been choosing. You cannot change them, but you can change you.

Right... his reasoning for wanting to know things was so no one could tell him anything about me like he would know it all already

Yeah. . . it sounds good on the surface but his logic is flawed. It is really closer to creepy / controlling.

That level of knowledge about your partner grows over time. There is no questionnaire that people can give their new dates to find out all about them quickly. Plus even after 11 years of marriage I still find out things about my husband & we each continue to evolve & grow.

This isn't a swap meet: I'll give you my sex buddy if you give me your trust and love. You're naive and a little fresh out of your divorce/previous relationship. We've all faux pas'd around that time. Do not volunteer that kind of information. Have a little self-respect and discretion and govern your relationships independently with some care.

You should not be having sex buddies on the side either if you're earnestly looking to date someone on a dating app. It's a lot of white noise and your head space is confused. Ask yourself what you really want out of dating. If it's casual relationships, be clear about your boundaries and how many casual relationships you can handle at one time if you are not exclusive with anyone. If you want to meet someone to pursue something a bit more serious like a committed relationship, for example, gradually wean off of sleeping around with casual partners. It will not help you reorient yourself and the way you project yourself will be confusing to the people you meet. You may even give off the wrong vibes (as if anything goes). In this case, you're far too agreeable and appear naive. I think it's because you don't know what you want.

Be wary of individuals who mask themselves as wanting something serious but are not there to walk the talk (just want sex). It's all fun and games in the beginning but if you are not self-aware enough or grounded enough to know what you're doing, you'll likely lose yourself to the dating game and come out a lot more confused than when you first started.

I’m in my 30s and it just seems like every guy I meet has some type of issue so I guess my struggle is which ones are just not worth my time and which ones are ones to work through?? I’m realistic and I know that no one’s perfect.

He's not worth your time because he doesnt trust you. Also, it's less than none of his business who you had sex with! Good grief, he needs to hit the road.

Nosy and invasive is not "trust". It's none of his business. And you need to enforce those v boundaries with a simple "It's in the past". Sorry to say be he sounds like an insecure controlling weirdo and you need to observe that red flag.

he asked me about my past and opened up I have nothing to hide. He asked if I had a sex buddy situation which I had cool no problem but later he asked how many people I had been with since my divorce

Yeah I’m trying to be better at recognize red flags in relationships

When struggling to determine which people are worth the effort & which are not, you have to assess the whole picture. What do you see & hear? How does the person act? What words are they using when they speak? Does the person take responsibility for their own short comings? Look at the objective & the subjective. What is your gut telling you?

 

Here I am always suspect of adults who expect or offer too much detail about their prior sexual experiences. After a certain age most people have a past; someone without a sexual history that is telling too. For health reasons you have to be able to share generalizations -- I was married; I have never been with anybody HIV positive or an IV drug user etc. But the disclosure of names, activities, sizes, frequency, positions etc. is too much detail.

 

He may have trust issues but that doesn't allow him to punish you for somebody else's bad behavior in his past.

Nosy and invasive is not "trust". It's none of his business. And you need to enforce those v boundaries with a simple "It's in the past". Sorry to say be he sounds like an insecure controlling weirdo and you need to observe that red flag.

Yeah I’m trying to be better at recognize red flags in relationships

I would say one very good radar is when someone, very early, tells you about their "issues" as existing in the present tense. Trust issues, commitment issues, whatever issues: when someone announces this they are, in a sense, asking you to reward their issues through romance, to make their issues part of your romantic bonding, rather than having working through them on their own, putting them in the past tense so they can enjoy romance.

It can all feel kind of vulnerable and confessional—oh, he or she is "opening up" to me, and so on—but it's really not. Almost the opposite, in ways. If you have a history of finding yourself attracted to people who "open up" in this way, it's worth asking why you're drawn to people who'd rather self-define as damaged than as resilient.

Perfect, stay away from the protects. You really need to identify what draws you to these guys!

He's too nosy and prying too much. You need to put your foot down regarding boundaries with him or others in your life. They're not privy to everything. Make sure he and others always treats you with respect and if not, these personality and character differences could very well be problematic now and in the future.

If he doesn't believe you regarding your memory loss and accuses you of hiding info or lying, you need to ask yourself if you want this guy in your life. Something doesn't ring true about him. If a person sounds "off" to you, then you need to run for the hills!

Perfect, stay away from the protects. You really need to identify what draws you to these guys!

? Did you mean projects?