When to expect someone to delete tinder

Hi,

I joined tinder a couple of weeks ago not expecting much but was plesently surprised to match with someone who I get on great with. I have children and one child who is very attached to me so we haven't met yet and decided to go slow.

We had discussed meeting in a couple of weeks but then yesterday he said had a bit of a panic about meeting as apparently he struggles socially so for now the meet is off until he is ready which is fine with me as we do get on well. We text a lot each day and I am developing feelings for him.

I had told him I stopped using tinder and asked if he was still messaging on there and he said no he was a one women man etc.

Anyway this morning I went on Tinder to read back through our early conversation and notice he has changed his write up which surely he would only do if he is messaging people? Am I asking to much to expect him to not be doing this?

I kind of feel like he will keep up the message to me until someone better comes along!

Am I being unreasonable or should I bring this up with him?

Thank you

You haven't even met yet? Yeah, too soon.

When will you meet?

No we haven't met.

We had arranged it for in a couple of weeks but yesterday he suddenly said he didn't know what he was looking for so just be friends. After talking on this more he said about his social anxiety and how he is scared of meeting so wants more time.

I just don't want to be played for an idiot.

You haven't even dated this guy, why would you delete your profile? He is stranger, why would you invest so much!

Big red glad time: afraid to meet because he is socially awkward. Are you looking to become someone's texting buddy? Do you think he may be married or have a gf?

Stop wasting your time texting this guy. Get back on the website! In fact,get on more than one

No we haven't met.

We had arranged it for in a couple of weeks but yesterday he suddenly said he didn't know what he was looking for so just be friends. After talking on this more he said about his social anxiety and how he is scared of meeting so wants more time.

I just don't want to be played for an idiot.

Lose him.....

No I don't think he has a wife or gf but no I am not just looking for a text buddy.

You are right I am completely new to this kind of dating and unfortunately much to trusting too!

Thank you, good advice

You should be meeting someone within two weeks, or sooner.

I think there would have been a lot of excuses. You do not know this man, he could very easily be involved with someone else. Even if he isn't, do you want to wait for someone who scared to meet you?

You will become savvy, quickly.

Good luck!

I could understand the longer than normal meeting time because I wanted to get to know him (as much as I could online) before meeting because of my children but now I am ready to meet he suddenly isn't ready.

This is my first attempt at dating after a long term relationship so think I need to get savvy!

Thank you

My first thought is he's married or living with someone or in a relationship and is just checking who's out there. You havent even met this guy so there's no reason for him to delete his profile. His social anxiety could be real or could be BS because he doesnt plan to meet with you. People can and do say plenty of stuff in text messages that they'd never say to your face.

I don't think he is in a relationship mainly because of how much we text especially of an evening (again I know I could be completely wrong there)

Yeah I figured I was unreasonable about his profile I think I just have different ideas to others and if I feel a connection with someone I like to explore that and not continue looking but I get that is just me!

Guess I just got sucked in with the sweet texts etc.

Making excuses not to meet is a huge red flag. So is texting constantly and getting attached. Don't delete tinder, delete time-wasters like this.

He may be a scammer, catfish, married etc. Always insist on meeting up for a brief coffee within a few messages and never give out too much personal info or get hooked on texting.

You haven't even met no less are dating, in a relationship or exclusive. Use common sense when dating. Exchange a few messages, meet up for coffee, decide if you want to go out again..in that order.

I joined tinder a couple of weeks

he said had a bit of a panic about meeting as apparently he struggles socially so for now the meet is off

notice he has changed his write up which surely he would only do if he is messaging people? A

Very good advice thank you. I will definitely look more carefully in to what I am doing in future!

You should not be introducing kids for about a year.

Texting should be at a minimum, if you haven't even met.

Hi,

meeting in a couple of weeks but then yesterday he said had a bit of a panic about meeting as apparently he struggles socially so for now the meet is off until he is ready which is fine with me as we do get on well. We text a lot each day and I am developing feelings for him.

I had told him I stopped using tinder and asked if he was still messaging on there and he said no he was a one women man etc.

Anyway this morning I went on Tinder to read back through our early conversation and notice he has changed his write up which surely he would only do if he is messaging people? Am I asking to much to expect him to not be doing this?

No we haven't met.

We had arranged it for in a couple of weeks but yesterday he suddenly said he didn't know what he was looking for so just be friends. After talking on this more he said about his social anxiety and how he is scared of meeting so wants more time.

I just don't want to be played for an idiot.

So in the short time you've been messaging, he's already:

-Lied to you by telling you that no, he's not messaging other women, that he's a one-woman man, yet he changed up his profile the next day.

-Told you he's "afraid" to meet due to "social awkwardness"

-Told you he doesn't even know what he's looking for, so "let's be friends"

And you're wondering if he should delete his profile? I'm wondering if he even exists. Seriously.

And I'm wondering why you place such little value in yourself that you've already deleted your own profile? Did I hear that correctly? Over someone who won't even meet you?

The short answer to your thread question, when to expect someone to delete Tinder, is when you're in an exclusive relationship. You haven't even met yet. So, no.

My advice? Delete & block him, and reactivate your own profile, and start messaging others.

You say you don't want a texting buddy, but you also say you've developed "feelings" for him based on...texts.

Are you afraid too?

As for being OK with not wanting to meet yet because of your kids...you weren't planning on introducing him to your kids on the first meet, were you? Caution needs to be used! He could be a predator, he could be a cheating married man, shoot, he could even be a "she" pretending to be a "he".

And no, you have no way of knowing if "he" is in a relationship because you've never met or spoken. I know of married couples where one of the couple hides their phone or goes into the restroom or claims it's "work" or a "friend" they're texting.

In essence, you know nothing about this person.

I'm glad you say you've decided to stop this. I hope you mean it and don't get swayed back by words on your phone screen that take very little effort to type.

I think you’re subconsciously playing it safe by entertaining this guy.

You’re still kinda fresh out of a very long term relationship and I’m sure you’re consciously thinking you want to ‘get out there’ but you’re not actually doing that, first off you’re on tinder... not exactly known for relationships, next you’re in a bit of a safety bubble, you get the attention of the texts without the risk.

Honestly it makes sense to me.

But no this most likely won’t go anywhere, although again deep down I don’t think you truly actually wanted it to anyway, it’s all fantasy.

Good luck on your healing, be mindful and careful.

Anyway this morning I went on Tinder to read back through our early conversation and notice he has changed his write up which surely he would only do if he is messaging people? Am I asking to much to expect him to not be doing this?

Yes, very much so.

As the others have already said, you don't know this person. Unless and until you have been on several dates and have a real conversation about taking things further, it is premature to expect him to delete his profile. The same goes for you. You have to learn not to put all your eggs in one basket, especially when you've never met the guy.

However, there are other signs here that he's not as interested. He bailed on meeting and now says he just wants to be friends. Something changed for him, whether it was plain old second thoughts or other women, and it's likely not going to go the direction you hoped. I would not hold you breath for this one.

Keep in mind that while people do sometimes meet their partners on Tinder, it is still very much a hook-up app. You'll need a thick skin and lower expectations if you intend to keep using it.

I could understand the longer than normal meeting time because I wanted to get to know him (as much as I could online) before meeting because of my children but now I am ready to meet he suddenly isn't ready.

 

This is my first attempt at dating after a long term relationship so think I need to get savvy!

Thank you

You really can't get to know someone online for safety or dating purpose - for an online relationship you can, for a platonic friendship, possibly also, not for dating in person. . Meet in a public place within 2 weeks, I agree. I would move on from this guy -for whatever reason he can't/doesn't want to meet you.

Well if the man is shy or has some social anxiety, it makes sense that he could be really nervous and stalling meeting for that reason. He actually did say that he struggles socially. That doesn't just straight out mean that he's weird but he could just be shy and anxious. However I would not keep chatting longer than a week or two at most because chatting can be a huge waste of time if that person will never meet you at all. This does happen somewhat often where someone chats for a few weeks or months and then finds out that yes, the person was a catfish or a flake and was never going to actually meet.

Regarding the rest of it, it's actually a bit concerning. To want someone you'd chatted to only for two weeks and never met, to stop using Tinder is just so unrealistic. People can continue to date other people until both individuals agree they are exclusive. Normally this wouldn't be done until at least a few weeks (if not months) into dating. Also to say you are developing feelings...For whom, the text you see on your screen? I mean you've never even seen this person in real life so how can you I know if you have feelings for him?

The problem with living in your head is that it's easy to create fantasies that will never materialize, and worse, they become more attractive than real day-to-day living. This is isolating, and if you choose this route, you will become the one with the social problem.

Skip the electronic fantasy building 'about' people you have never met. Shoot instead for matches who are local and who will meet up for a quick cup of coffee so you can check one another out. Set up a bunch of these quick meets for your trip home from work, and if anyone stands you up, take your coffee with you and nothing is lost. You'll meet someone else the next night.

Rules of quick meets are that you interact for 20 minutes or so, and neither can corner the other by asking for a real date on the spot. Either can contact the other afterward with an invite, and if the answer is yes, the other responds, and if not, no response is necessary. This takes the squirmy rejection stuff off the table and allows you to navigate freely until you meet someone who you actually hit it off with in person.

Screen your matches carefully, and don't bother with anyone who will not meet you quickly. You will thank yourself later.

Rules of quick meets are that you interact for 20 minutes or so, and neither can corner the other by asking for a real date on the spot. Either can contact the other afterward with an invite, and if the answer is yes, the other responds, and if not, no response is necessary.

Catfeeder, out of interest, how do you (or did you) set out those rules to the other person? (i.e. in the text of your profile? Or in the texts / in a phone call while arranging the meet? Or at the start of the meet itself?)

And do / did you present them as 'rules' or as something a bit less formal sounding?

I agree with you totally on short first meets etc and I think it's absolutely the right way to go about meeting people without getting hugely invested in time or emotions - I'm just curious as to how you put across a set of rules without making everything sound too rigid or formal.

So true. so true. This times a million

Agree!

I also noticed when I was utilizing online dating that the quick to bring up sex guys never failed to show their a**. The hardest part about that for me was accepting the disappointment. You start talking to a guy, he’s checking off all the boxes, the he suggests you watch a movie, etc. I had to learn to cut the cord immediately. Looking back, there is a stark difference between individuals who truly want to date you and those wasting your time, those who truly want to date you aren’t going to risk you walking away by being stupid, like wasting your time etc.

Agree!

 

I also noticed when I was utilizing online dating that the quick to bring up sex guys never failed to show their a**. The hardest part about that for me was accepting the disappointment. You start talking to a guy, he’s checking off all the boxes, the he suggests you watch a movie, etc. I had to learn to cut the cord immediately. Looking back, there is a stark difference between individuals who truly want to date you and those wasting your time, those who truly want to date you aren’t going to risk you walking away by being stupid, like wasting your time etc.

Yes -my bar was high too -any mention of something sexual, buh bye including "oh are you in your PJs yet -what are you wearing?" After we'd been on some dates and knew each other then sure it's fun to banter. Could not agree more with FIO23!!

Catfeeder, out of interest, how do you (or did you) set out those rules to the other person? (i.e. in the text of your profile? Or in the texts / in a phone call while arranging the meet? Or at the start of the meet itself?)

And do / did you present them as 'rules' or as something a bit less formal sounding?

 

I agree with you totally on short first meets etc and I think it's absolutely the right way to go about meeting people without getting hugely invested in time or emotions - I'm just curious as to how you put across a set of rules without making everything sound too rigid or formal.

I've never put it in a profile, but somewhere along the line in messaging, after I've already set a friendly tone, I'll ask if they're up for a quick-meet--and if they know what that is. If they don't know, I'll explain that it's like a playful round of speed-dating without a line of other people to meet. The typical rules are... (what I said in the other post) ... but I invite them to add any rules of their own.

Since this method of meeting is gaining popularity, lots of people already know what it is. Then it's just a matter of asking if they've ever done it, and what kind of rules would work best for them.

It's a negotiation, but you really need clarity about what rules you won't meet without. I don't want to get cornered into accepting or turning down a real date on the spot, and I don't want expectations that I must respond to an invite afterward. Since most people are NOT a good match, I don't want the squirm factor of rejecting anyone.

EnjOy!