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Thread: 25m here with no relationship experience

  1. #1

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    25m here with no relationship experience

    How to deal with the fact I have never had gf in the age of25? All of my friends did, at least some girl showed clear interest in them, this has never happened to me,even slight interest. I have low self confidence and nevere asked a girl out, but no girl also ever did this to me. When I texted to girls, I had to initiate most of the conversations, they texted back but never first... Even if they seemed nice when I talked to them in person.. They never initiated anything. What can I do? I believe i am cursed and not capable of getting love

  2. #2
    Platinum Member
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    Confidence will play a significant role here.

    Which areas of your life are not confident about?

  3. #3
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    I'm sure girls have shown interest but because you lack confidence & experience you missed the signals. It happens all the time.

    Although I'm a woman in my late 20s I had a dear guy buddy who swore women weren't interested in him. I told him he was crazy & that women were eyeing him up all the time. He was a handsome guy. My then BF & I decided to take him to a bar to prove him wrong. Women were all over him. Until we pointed out the obvious he really had no idea.

    Do you have a sister or close female friend who can help? Try asking your buddy's GFs for tips or to fix you up. The initial part of dating is just like any other interaction. You talk to the person & get to know them. Find local women at in person events near you: festivals, community activism, volunteering, singles events etc. Stay off social media & every form of OLD. The rejection you experience there will devastate you more.

  4. #4
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    If you are waiting for girls to proactively ask you out, you are going to be waiting for the rest of your life. I am 31 years old, the last time any girls chased me was when I was 11 years old It just does not happen unless you are very attractive and/or get very lucky. I lived in the UK for most of my life, but I'm pretty sure it is very unusual even in more liberal places like Sweden. So stop waiting and take action.

    Why do you lack self-confidence? What are you not confident about? I am perhaps not as politically correct as some others might be. If you are ugly, fat, no career, no wealth, no ambition, no confidence etc... you are not going to be attractive no matter how "nice" you think you are and how much you think you deserve love. So objectively assess yourself and list your strengths and weaknesses, and work on the weaknesses that you can work on. If you do not trust your own judgement, then get second opinions from other people you trust. Be brutally honest with yourself, but do not denigrate yourself either.

    For example why might I lack confidence?

    1) I have poor skin, suffered with acne for most of my life since my teenage years.
    2) I am short.
    3) I am a Chinese male, probably the most emasculated and least desirable group when it comes to dating (in the West) thanks to mass media representation in Hollywood and other Western Media.
    4) I am not athletic.
    5) I am not rich.
    6) I do not have a successful career.

    You'd think with that list, I'd be screwed... but whilst I am no Casanova by any stretch, I have punched "above my weight" with the few girls I have managed to date and I am not afraid to take a shot with girls that might be considered "out of my league". What gives me confidence?

    1) I think I am handsome (when my skin is relatively clear anyway) I hate my acne and I do not have direct control of it, but I do have indirect control in terms of eating healthy(ish) and taking care of my skin (ish) to minimize acne breakouts.
    2) I know I can get fat if I eat too much (my father is overweight), so I control my diet. I have gone to the gym before when it was convenient and affordable and I would like to do so again in the future. I maintain a healthy weight in the meantime.
    3) I am intelligent, perceptive and empathetic.
    4) I am well educated and knowledgeable.
    5) I am well traveled and an international citizen fully fluent in English and Chinese and understand both Chinese and Western Culture.
    6) I have quite a lot of life experience and got lots of unique perspectives and stories to tell.
    7) I have amazing parents and an amazing family.
    8) I am ambitious and not afraid of failure in the pursuit of my dreams.
    9) I am funny (I think I am anyway :P )
    ...
    ...
    100) I am really modest ;)


    I didn't just write all that to show off. I just want to give you ideas about the things that girls find attractive. Think about how arbitrary some of my "strengths" are... if you really think about it, I am sure you can come up with plenty of reasons to be confident too. Of course everyone has strengths and weaknesses, and of course life is not fair, so some people have it easier than others, but pretty much everybody has something to offer, something that makes them attractive. And hell, unless you are seriously disabled, there sure is a lot you can do to self-improve and make yourself more attractive!

    Beyond that it is just a simple task of getting yourself out there and practicing, especially if lack of experience is in itself causing you to feel unattractive or lacking in confidence. It does not even need to be actual dating. Just hanging out with girls as friends should build some confidence to begin with to prove to yourself that you are fun to hang out with. Online dating (Tinder) can be toxic and frustrating, but even that works well for practice if you are able to treat it as a numbers game and a platform to practice flirting and dating, without taking it personally if you don't get many matches, or if dates/chats don't go well.

    Good luck!

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Texting is not dating. You have to date to get a gf. You need to ask girls out on dates. You can't sit on your hands and wait for them to make the first move. You are way too passive in all this, hiding behind messaging and expecting them to do all the work. No effort = no results.
    Originally Posted by skyman
    When I texted to girls, I had to initiate most of the conversations, they texted back but never first.They never initiated anything.

  7. #6
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    I think some women would be brave enough to hit on you or ask you out (like me for example) but most won't. Actually as a woman I can tell you that even growing up in Western society, I was always told (mostly by other women) that females shouldn't seem too desperate. I was always told that guys like the chase and that I should just sit back and wait for guys to come to me. I remember a few times getting the advice that I should be more "mysterious" and even not reply to texts too often or say I'm busy, stuff like that. I got told by a couple of my shy male friends that they actually hated how women never made the first move.

    I also think though that to make a move, whether someone is male or female, there needs to be some encouragement. E.g. if I was single and at a bar, I'd smile at guys I liked to show them I liked them. In the very least when you're around women you like you need to show with your body language and even maybe flirt to show that you're interested in them. If you're literally doing nothing then they would have no idea that you were even into them.


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