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Thread: Why I am still single (as opposed to 'why am I still single')

  1. #11
    Silver Member Raize's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Fudgie
    I can relate. I've been single for almost 6 months now and I've been feeling better while single.
    I've always told myself that I'd rather stay single than find myself feeling stuck in an unfulfilling relationship (Though I still wouldn't necessarily object to finding myself in a fulfilling one!)
    Last edited by Raize; 09-13-2019 at 10:40 AM.

  2. #12
    Silver Member Raize's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by heart&souls
    I can relate. Iím now in my mid 40ís and have always held on to the thought that ďthe oneĒ is just around the corner. Iíve been telling myself this for over 10 years now. Perhaps weíre not supposed to set any expectations in stone but at the same time if in our heart we feel the situation should be different, why canít it work out for everyone? This is a rhetorical question. . Thereís a certain priceless freedom being single. But itís also quite nice when one gets to spend a moment in time on this Earth with someone who genuinely enjoys your company more than anything or anybody. Thanks for posting this. Itís helping me on this journey.
    I've spent so long in the past wondering "Why can't I find love", or "How do I find love". I think that I've always known deep down that the real answer is that I've never felt truly comfortable letting love happen for whatever circumstance or insecurity or doubt, which is something that I've been gradually learning to be more honest with myself about with time.

    Even for those of us who do feel willing and ready to let love happen in their life with the 'right person' when they come along, there's still so much to be said for enjoying life (or at least phases of life) flying solo!

  3. #13
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    There are millionaires who spend their lives wondering when they're going to get rich. And there are thousandaires who spend their lives feeling like billionaires. Sounds to me that if you can give yourself a touch of space to accept that maybe you don't know the answers to what you're looking for, that it can't quite be explained through diagnostic language, you may find the answers start revealing themselves in that space.

    The best thing about being single, to me, is that it allows you to get to know yourself. That knowledge becomes a terrific gauge of relationships. If you can feel like yourself alongside someoneógreat. That's the path to love. If you can'tósad. Means that path to love is too weedy to walk. The depth of our love for others, and the room for it to expand, is directly proportional to our love for ourselves. So rather than analyze yourself maybe try dating yourself for a bit. That's how I look at it, and my best relationships have been those where "dating myself" and "dating another" become a pretty seamless dance.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Raize
    I suspect that I fall into the fearful-avoidant personality type, which I never really knew was a thing until recently. I used to think that I was 'love-shy', but really only some of the criteria of 'love-shyness' I can relate to, and the majority of it I can't relate to at all. When I look at the fearful-avoidant criteria however, I feel that I'm ticking nearly all the boxes.
    This type of personality seems a bit severe. I think it's a good idea to work through it and try and overcome some of the traits associated with it if you feel you want to move past them. It doesn't seem normal - actually, quite debilitating.

    I wouldn't expect you to react in the same way the average person would if this is really your attachment style in relationships. I can see why you might feel being single is a better option. It still seems like a good idea to explore your limitations a bit more so that you are able to overcome some of the more severe characteristics associated with this psychology or whatever it's supposed to be listed as as an attachment style.

    Being single or alone might not be the best thing for you as it enables the issues involving that attachment style. Have you tried to possibly go outside of your comfort zone and meet new people in general? I'm not speaking about dates or relationships but more along the lines of simply pushing past current comfort zones and proving to yourself that being around people may not be as complex as you may first think. You may be able to recondition your mind that way.

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  6. #15
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    I can relate to a degree as well.

    What I've come to realise is that often times this "bliss" we witness from some others is purely constructed. Basically, it's them being a version of themselves to fit in with their partner. They are merely prolonging their inevitable self-destruction. I've literally met people who have given up their hobbies (for example, card playing) because their partner doesn't enjoy it.

    If I'm voluntarily spending time with you, I want to be able to feel like myself.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by greendots
    I can relate to a degree as well.

    What I've come to realise is that often times this "bliss" we witness from some others is purely constructed. Basically, it's them being a version of themselves to fit in with their partner. They are merely prolonging their inevitable self-destruction. I've literally met people who have given up their hobbies (for example, card playing) because their partner doesn't enjoy it.

    If I'm voluntarily spending time with you, I want to be able to feel like myself.
    I don't go for the whole knock down other people's choices in partners/relationships to feel better about oneself. I also don't go for people bragging about their "blissful" relationships especially on social media (those who brag usually have a reason -because they're insecure about their relationships). I think people give up certain hobbies all the time for a partner - it's called compromise -and as long as it's done by choice -by a wish to compromise -and not because of being controlled, then it's fine. Some people love to give things up because their partner doesn't enjoy it -because often it gives them an excuse not to put in the effort to do the hobby or activity - I've seen that a bunch too. They choose to lose themselves in their partners - they like the "my husband doesn't like it when" stuff. But that makes them happy so who are we to judge? Or they find a hobby they enjoy with their partner that replaces the former hobby.

    I've made compromises and so has my husband -big and small. And I wanted to be a different version of myself when we married - not a different person -but I was now a wife, very soon to be a mother, very soon to be unemployed and relocating for the first time in 43 years, all in one year. I wanted to do well in these new roles - so just because it might look like a person loses themselves or gives up everything for the partner what you are seeing as an outsider doesn't mean it's reality. If someone tells you in a negative way that she gave up too much of herself then sure. But even if that is true it's not a reason for you or anyone to remain single -that just refers to that person's choices in her life and relationships.

  8. #17
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    Very true, Batya. It's certainly not my place or anyone's to judge. So if their choices make them happy, then good for them. However, I don't have to agree with people's choices and they don't have to agree with mine.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by greendots
    Very true, Batya. It's certainly not my place or anyone's to judge. So if their choices make them happy, then good for them. However, I don't have to agree with people's choices and they don't have to agree with mine.
    Of course - I was reacting to the assumptions you made about the choices not with the freedom we all have not to make those choices for ourselves or agree with those choices. So to me it's not a "however" - agreeing or disagreeing has nothing to do with assumptions or judging - nor does it have to do with whether to share disagreement -for me I do my very best not to share disagreement unsolicited. Agreement -less so - saying to someone "I agree with that choice" in a casual "for what it's worth" kind of way often is a nonissue.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Fudgie's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Raize
    I've always told myself that I'd rather stay single than find myself feeling stuck in an unfulfilling relationship (Though I still wouldn't necessarily object to finding myself in a fulfilling one!)
    I left a relationship after almost 4 years. I've had several long term relationships in the past. I'm just burnt out and I am done. I've given up, lol. I won't even go on dating apps now. I tried, but I got a bunch of single dads and I don't want kids so that's a no-go.

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