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I Feel Like my New Boyfriend Will Grow Tired of Me.


ConfusedLady21

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What classifies a woman as a desirable, good partner?

 

In my mind, here's my run down. Be a good cook (strong positive), clean for him, have things in common with him, be cool with his friends, understand him, listen, be his friend.. the list goes on.. but those are the main points that have been echoing in my mind.

 

I am so afraid that my new boyfriend is going to grow tired of me. Right now, things are sweet because we've been dating for 2 months and we both agree that we are in the romanticized period where the rose colored glasses haven't fell off yet.

 

So far, he has been amazing. He's thoughtful, funny and sweet. He's states that he intends on keeping me, and making it work with me. He says this because he's a religious man (I'm more spiritual, but they go hand and hand, depends on who you talk to.. that's a whole 'nother topic) and he usually have long monogamous relationships. My longest relationship lasted a year; his last relationship was 3 years.

 

I know it's to early to tell, but I would really like for him to be the one. He has accepted me, more than most. He has real goals and aspirations, he's a quality person. I have never had a man to treat me like he does. I want this to go strong for years. LOVE is so bittersweet. It makes me happy to be around, and sad as well because of the possibility of having my heart in knots just for things to fall apart. I'm feeling exceptionally sad today because my love invited me out to dinner with him last night. I was not aware that I was going to meet him AND his friends. My heart instantly dropped in my stomach. My social anxiety is so intense, and I mentioned this to him once before, so it's not like he doesn't know. People who don't understand how social anxiety works, it's suffocating, it takes over your life and seizes your happiness. On the outside you're smiling but on the inside, you feel awkward, the alarms are going off, and you're constantly repeating the mantra to "just act normal, just be normal for once".

 

The women at the table talked amongst each other even when I tried to contribute. It was just... odd. My BF even mentioned to me that I was "awkward" (he said this before dinner w his pals) and he finds that endearing.

... UNTIL I excused myself because of the suffocation I was feeling. I am spending the week at his house, so I rushed to his house and finished scrubbing the kitchen out of anxiety. He sensed my mood. I know it's not his problem, it's MY problem... I didn't go off on him or anything. I calmly expressed that I need a heads up when it comes to social situations. He retaliated with love and wanted to cuddle me.. but I was so down on myself, in such a mood. I wasn't mad at him, more upset with myself because I wish I was as charismatic as him, or the others. He told me that I "did great".. but that still wasn't enough to heal my criticizing self talk.

 

The perfect partner wouldn't do that to him. We are only 2 months in, and I've been in such a funk since yesterday. He literally just wanted to include me in on a night out with friends, but fear took over. Just venting I guess...

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Maybe you should stop expecting to be "perfect".

 

You do know no one is, right? NO ONE. Not even this man who you were originally "meh" about and weren't attracted to but suddenly you've placed him on some pedestal.

 

Why do you think you're undeserving or a lesser human than he is?

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Maybe you should stop expecting to be "perfect".

 

You do know no one is, right? NO ONE. Not even this man who you were originally "meh" about and weren't attracted to but suddenly you've placed him on some pedestal.

 

Why do you think you're undeserving or a lesser human than he is?

 

 

He has a heartier childhood than me, with plenty of support from a strong family tree. He has experienced more things in his youth than me. He is well versed on many topics, I am not. He has friends that actually want to hang out with him, I am a loner. I feel out of place everywhere I go. I have a sister and brother who barely exists in my life. My brothers birthday came up, he did a birthday dinner with my sister.. I wasn't invited. My nieces graduation came up, my sister didn't invite me. I have done nothing to them. I can see if I was a toxic and bad relative but I have tried to strengthen relationships with them. His family visits him every month. I'm corny, he's witty and hilarious. I feel out of place anywhere I go. He's outgoing.

 

I just think that he would be better off with some girl who knows how to cook a good meal and keep him intellectually pleased. Someone who can keep him laughing and smiling, Id like to be that girl.

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None of that makes him better than you.

 

I would warn you against self deprecating talk around him. Doing an Eeyore woe is me I don't deserve you routine will drive him away, not any of your imagined faults or lack.

 

And please consider therapy to deal with your self loathing or you will not be able to have a healthy relationship.

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No pills, I can handle things myself. I don't talk so bad about myself in public, but the anonymity of this website helps me vent things out. I save it from the people who know me... and talk to you guys.

 

As you have written, you are not handling things. We are not qualified and clearly it is not helping. Why will you not see a therapist?

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"He retaliated with love and wanted to cuddle me.. but I was so down on myself, in such a mood. I wasn't mad at him, more upset with myself because I wish I was as charismatic as him, or the others. He told me that I "did great".. but that still wasn't enough to heal my criticizing self talk. "

 

Yeah, you are too showing him your insecurity and self loathing.

 

If you truly want to be a good partner you will stop trying to "handle" it yourself and seek professional help.

 

Someday he's going to get tired of propping you up. And if he leaves it won't be because he thinks you're not "good enough" for him, but because YOU don't.

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No, nobody wants a maid, mommy or doormat. It doesn't get more unattractive than that.

 

In my mind, here's my run down. Be a good cook (strong positive), clean for him, have things in common with him, be cool with his friends, understand him, listen, be his friend.. the list goes on..

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Your boyfriend will never grow tired of you once you become a strong, self confident woman with high self esteem and security.

 

Generally, men are not attracted to women who depend on them in order to feel whole and complete.

 

I can't speak for all men but my husband was attracted to me because I was financially strong, independent and could stand on my own two feet. I didn't need to depend on any man for my survival. This is the draw.

 

It's not good enough to be able to cook and clean. You need to have your own life with career and strong financial independence which boosts your self esteem and confidence.

 

In social settings, don your social face, become outgoing, affable, amiable and the secret is to revolve the conversation away from you onto others! Put the spotlight on others. If you listen, let others have the floor and you're all ears and give them all the air space, you'll be their new best friend! People love nothing more than a good listener and they'll talk until they're blue in the face all night long if you let them. This is what I do in order to prevent any awkwardness or silences. I let it be all about them. People love to talk about THEMSELVES forever. So I ask a lot of questions, sound interested and I don't have to say nary a word about myself. This is the trick and by the time the evening is over, they'll realize they talked about themselves and not about you!

 

You're only 2 months in which is nothing. Give your boyfriend-girlfriend relationship a chance. Remain patient. Your relationship is still in its infancy.

 

In other instances if you develop an independent life of your own such as with your career, you automatically make yourself more attractive. People like the fact that you're very busy on the fast track.

 

No man will ever grow tired of a woman who charges ahead with her own life. This has been my experience and what I've observed in general.

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Until you address certain issues in your life, you will struggle to maintain a healthy relationship.

 

1. Improve your self esteem. Get some therapy if you have to. Until you love yourself nobody else will love you. The idea that you don't think you are good enough means you are not good enough. But this is fixable. You just have to find ways to like yourself. When you do, things will improve.

 

2. Address your social anxiety. Yes it's suffocating but it can be addressed. Learn good breathing / relaxation techniques. Change your self talk; it's more then just saying "act normal". Normal is over-rated. Instead be yourself & recognize that most people are concerned about how they appear to others. Most people therefore are so consumed by how they are coming across that unless you are doing something over the top, they have no idea that you aren't the most social gracious person ever.

 

3. Stop with the cleaning. You want to be a partner, not a servant. Although I'm a woman, in your BFs shoes I'd be freaked out & insulted that my new SO of 8 weeks fled into my house after a date & night out with friends to start cleaning it.

 

The friends of his you met have known each other for a while. Groups tend to be clique-ish. As you spend more time with them, they should warm up.

 

 

You can do this. Sociability is a learned skill. It's not something people are born with. It takes practice. You can do this.

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Are you from a western culture? Where are you from where this is desirable?

What classifies a woman as a desirable, good partner? In my mind, here's my run down. Be a good cook (strong positive), clean for him, have things in common with him, be cool with his friends, understand him, listen, be his friend.. the list goes on.. but those are the main points that have been echoing in my mind.
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No pills, I can handle things myself. I don't talk so bad about myself in public, but the anonymity of this website helps me vent things out. I save it from the people who know me... and talk to you guys.

 

Not really, if you're doing things like this: "He retaliated with love and wanted to cuddle me.. but I was so down on myself, in such a mood. I wasn't mad at him, more upset with myself because I wish I was as charismatic as him, or the others. He told me that I "did great".. but that still wasn't enough to heal my criticizing self talk."

 

And this: "I excused myself because of the suffocation I was feeling. I am spending the week at his house, so I rushed to his house and finished scrubbing the kitchen out of anxiety. He sensed my mood."

 

He knows you're struggling a lot. He might not know the extent of it yet, but this sort of emotional roller coaster will wear a partner out. I don't mean to be unkind, but you're genuinely not handling your anxiety. What you're doing is creating a self-fulfilling prophecy, which will drive him away and ultimately reaffirm the story you tell yourself about not being good enough.

 

I would very seriously consider talking to a therapist and getting on a path of treatment. You two have only been dating two months and already your anxiety is causing issues. Whether or not the relationship lasts, you deserve to live a more relaxed life that you're not white-knuckling your way through.

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Ok... so it looks like you are still with him and took his offer for the place. Your worries are founded especially if the roof over your head (and your doggie's) is at stake. I'd play it cool, don't get too emotionally wrapped up in the romance and enjoy his company. Ignore the stuck up ladies at that get together. Smile, be polite and obliging and enjoy the food and music. I'd be gracious about it and let him know you appreciate him introducing you to his friends. Resist being self-absorbed and too worried about yourself. He invited you out. Yes, it was thoughtless in the way he might not have warned you about it beforehand or with more advance warning but roll with it. He doesn't think it's a big deal. Follow his lead and start learning how to swim in his waters if that's what you really want. You throwing a hissy fit or being upset about how scared you are is lame.

 

Relax and enjoy the relationship. Go for a walk with the doggie and clear your head if you need to. Being a good partner to anyone comes from a deep-seated truth within yourself that you are first and foremost a good caretaker of your own needs and wants. Take care of yourself without drowning in yourself. Reassess, get in touch with your instincts, clear your head over a good sleep or a nice walk. The answers will come to you eventually.

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Ok... so it looks like you are still with him and took his offer for the place. Your worries are founded especially if the roof over your head (and your doggie's) is at stake. I'd play it cool, don't get too emotionally wrapped up in the romance and enjoy his company. Ignore the stuck up ladies at that get together. Smile, be polite and obliging and enjoy the food and music. I'd be gracious about it and let him know you appreciate him introducing you to his friends. Resist being self-absorbed and too worried about yourself. He invited you out. Yes, it was thoughtless in the way he might not have warned you about it beforehand or with more advance warning but roll with it. He doesn't think it's a big deal. Follow his lead and start learning how to swim in his waters if that's what you really want. You throwing a hissy fit or being upset about how scared you are is lame.

 

Relax and enjoy the relationship. Go for a walk with the doggie and clear your head if you need to. Being a good partner to anyone comes from a deep-seated truth within yourself that you are first and foremost a good caretaker of your own needs and wants. Take care of yourself without drowning in yourself. Reassess, get in touch with your instincts, clear your head over a good sleep or a nice walk. The answers will come to you eventually.

 

She said this in her OP:

"I am spending the week at his house,"

so I presume she did not actually move in.

 

OP, I still think therapy is a good consideration. If you are unable to stop this self-defeating thought process a professional can be of immense help.

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