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Thread: I Cant Approach Women, how can i get over my Anxiety?

  1. #1
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    I Cant Approach Women, how can i get over my Anxiety?

    Hello everyone im a 33 year old man who has never really been social, had very few friends and i lived relatively sheltered throughout my life.

    Thankfully one of the advantages of this is that i managed to take care of myself and i look around 8 years or so younger than my age.

    I have been good with making eye contact with women that show interest but i for the life of me cannot seem to make an approach.

    Perhaps this has to do with the fact that i am currently job searching after a layoff so my identity is sort of up in the air. I also fear judgement and then i go through a million questions in my head about if i should lie about my age etc.

    I am simply stumped in terms of Anxiety, and fear of rejection, or even asking a girl out with other people around.

    How can i muster up the confidence and simply not care about what others think? This crippling anxiety is destroying my ability to make new connections and any help and advice would be appreciated.

    I will see a cute girl and wonder if she'll be ok with my age/experience. Do i just block out any what if's and desensitize myself to rejection?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Realistically, most women are more interested in a man if he is gainfully employed. Unfortunately, judgment is very real in this society whether anyone likes it or not. When women are shopping around, they have a preference for a man who is economically sound, independent and can give a woman a relatively smooth life overall.

    Of course, character matters, however, if you mix it with a good job and financial contentment, then you have it made in the shade.

    The above is what you can offer and good luck trying to attract a woman while you're unemployed. Not saying it can't be done, however it will definitely be a challenge!

    I don't want to burst your bubble, however, usually you will be rejected if you're in limbo without a job. Unfortunately, in society, your value amounts to what you can offer in a relationship and "love don't pay the rent."

    If you're willing to try regardless, work on yourself. You can impress a woman with your intellect, empathy, integrity, interests (sports? hobbies? travel?), join groups within your community, church if you're religious, volunteer for charities, join various clubs or organizations and the like.

    Never lie about your age or anything because sooner or later your lies will catch up with you and you'll regret your dishonesty. People will never look at you the same way after being lied to. Trust is dead. You'll feel better about yourself if you tell the truth.

    Even though you'll fear the woman asking you a million questions and possibly losing interest in you after hearing of your layoff, be prepared and don't be surprised. It comes as no shock.

    Some women don't mind if the guy is TEMPORARILY unemployed IF she sees his career potential and strong demand for his profession. In the meantime, couples can enjoy dates on a budget such as picnics at the park, go for bike rides, take walks, free concerts at the park and the like.

    Explore your possibilities while using common sense and what women want in a man ~ generally speaking.

    Don't try so hard to be well liked. Don't try too hard to be funny or humorous. Just be yourself, remain humble, kind, honorable, considerate, respectful, moral, possess integrity and be decent. The rest should take care of itself. A woman will either appreciate who you are naturally or she'll move onto someone else. Have realistic expectations.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I don't think you should desensitize yourself to rejection. A lot of our emotions are tests for appropriate and inappropriate action on our behalf. Emotions help us decipher situations and people, pick up nuances and learn more about our surroundings. When you force yourself not to care, what you're doing is numbing out a total toolbox in your collection and incapacitating yourself.

    What you're feeling are strong feelings of inadequacy due to your job situation/layoff. If you're looking for equal partnership in a relationship, you're naturally going to have to pull your equal weight. By not having as much to contribute you're affecting the outcome of that equal partnership. Expecting anything different is living in denial so, no, I wouldn't ignore those feelings of inadequacy. It is telling you that you should be working or prioritizing that area of your life. It seems to be of importance to you. Remember that it's what you think (not what someone else thinks) and how much importance you place on something that will affect your feelings overall. Your emotions just told you all that about yourself. And what you think and feel about yourself is directly related to how you handle your relationships around you and what you feel comfortable with. If you feel good about yourself, you won't mind what others think of you. If you don't feel good about yourself, you will mind a little more than might be necessary.

    Dating will have its low points. I think you should be willing to take the bad with the good, the not great feedback with the great ones, the bad dates with the good dates. How you feel overall about yourself and your personal situation will help. If you don't have that buffer, work on prioritizing (again) what matters most to you. You shouldn't be dating at all feeling like you're at a deficit in something. It's not a good idea. I want to repeat again that I'm reading your emotions and feelings of inadequacy here. I'm not saying that you are inadequate. I'm reading that about you and interpreting what might not be a good idea for you. That's all.

    I hope this helps.

  4. #4
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    I'm 33 and also look younger for my age generally speaking. Your lack of experience would not bother me (I'm assuming you mean sexually?), but I do think it is a good idea for you to continue to put feelers out for a job. Don't lie about your age, there's no shame in it--that lie would be a red flag, wondering if I could trust you about other things.

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  6. #5
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    I also feel that you would feel more confident if you were gainfully employed. Plus, you should be saving your money until you have work.

    Do not ever lie about your age. I don't know why you would. If i found out that you had deceived me, I would be done. No one wants to date a liar.

    What are you doing to enhance your social circle? How long have you been seeking a job? Are you actively looking?

  7. #6
    Silver Member waffle's Avatar
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    I don't know why you would consider lying about your age unless you are trying to attract teen girls or at least females who are significantly younger than you are.

    Your primary focus right now should be obtaining employment. Even if your finances are such that you don't need to work and can afford to be unemployed for lengths of time, it isn't always about money for women--it's about stability and having your act together. If you make that your priority, the rest will fall into place.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok start by building up your self esteem. Get in shape, get new clothes, hair cut and update your image so you look your age. It is Not an asset to look 25 when you are 33. Dress and groom in a more age appropriate manner so you look your age.

    Take some classes or courses you enjoy or that would help you career. Join some clubs and groups that interest you. Volunteer. Get an excellent profile and head shot on LinkedIn. Update your resume and list your education and experience. Over 90% of recruiters use LinkedIn as a resource. You need to put yourself out there as well as search actively for work.

    Do you have your own place? If you live with parents it will be very difficult to date. Step out of your sheltered life a bit.

    Rather than cold approach women, start just making social small talk in general. When you are ready get a good profile and pics up on dating sites and start messaging and meeting women for a low key coffee. Date women in your real age group, not what age group you think you look like.
    Originally Posted by revitalized
    Hello everyone im a 33 year old man and i look around 8 years

    i am currently job searching after a layoff so my identity is sort of up in the air.

    I will see a cute girl and wonder if she'll be ok with my age/experience.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    im a 33 year old man who has never really been social, had very few friends
    We all need to take baby steps before we can run. Dating is the Mount Everest of social interaction. So start learning to be more social and make friends first. Those are your baby steps toward building the social musculature for confidence in dating. I'd also focus on seeking work as your first priority, or where would you get the money to date?

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    All good advice.

    Goes without saying: Don't seem needy, don't seem creepy. DO appear fun, clean, interested in the woman in question. Typically, do not attempt to rush a decision to see you. If you get rejected for a Saturday extravaganza type date, then dial it back way back. Time boxed coffee day. If that goes well? Already have a follow up-based on her interest. Suggest a walk on well-lit beach walk, etc.

    BTW, I do think a lot of women (generalizing here) want to a man to express interest first. At least overtly asking her out.

    BTW II, It really won't kill you to get shot down. Ya know? Get a tougher skin.

  11. #10
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    I have been good with making eye contact with women that show interest but i for the life of me cannot seem to make an approach.

    A lot of men have it wrong. Its not about an "approach" - walking across to a stranger in a crowded room. its about putting yourself in new but safe social situations and being yourself. Volunteering is great for that -- you have to naturally ask people questions and verbally contribute and the charge of it having to "approach a woman" is gone= you are just talking to people whether you are attracted or not People get to know you. you might hit it off with a woman, you might not, but you may gain the respect or friendship or acquaintanceship of her brother/dad/coworker/neighbor and get introduced. Most people i know meet through common interests, not at bars. What are your hobbies? What would you like to be your hobbies? What about your career? is there a networking group?

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