Apineda0783 Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 Hi everyone, My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. We have known one another for 8yrs. Three months into the relationship I made a smart remark, I just had gotten home from work and my boyfriend was in the shower, I was making a drink and needed a straw. The straws were in the kitchen on the top shelf and I couldn't reach them, he had a friend over that was staying for a couple of days. I asked him if he could please help bring them down. In the mean time my boyfriend was in the shower then he came out went to the room to change. After getting a straw I went to the room when I opened the door in a stern voice my boyfriend asked "who were you talking to?" My response was "my other boyfriend, who else would I be talking to!" Six months later after that day he keeps bringing up that day and convinced himself that I wanted his friend and still wants to be with his friend and thinks we have started a relationship together since that day. I have no intentions of ever being with that person ever! Is there some way I can get through my boyfriend's head that all it was was a smart remark? Thank you for your help and suggestions! Link to comment
Rose Mosse Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 I'm afraid not. He's deeply insecure and punishing you for it. What you may do in the meantime, as this relationship slowly unravels, is to remain sane, firm and keep your outside activities with friends and your hobbies going. Don't put your life on hold. By staying with him you should also realize that you may be enabling him and encouraging his insecurities. There is a difference between severe (real) deception/lies/duplicity and perceived deception and making someone feel like they have to constantly make up for indiscretions that are relatively minor or have never existed due to misunderstanding and lack of trust. Have you done anything prior (divulged any information you may have done in your past/past relationships to him) that may cause him to view you in a distrustful way? Link to comment
Hollyj Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 Wow! I'm sure this is not the first time this has happened. He is super insecure. This not about you. If you decide to stay with him. Do not indulge this. Tell him not to being it up again. Stop enabling this nonsense. I do not see a future with somone with so many insecurities. You will always be walking on eggshells with him. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 In a stern voice, tell him to grow up and get over it, it was a joke. I opened the door in a stern voice my boyfriend asked "who were you talking to?" Six months later after that day he keeps bringing up that day and convinced himself that I wanted his friend and still wants to be with his friend and thinks we have started a relationship together since that day. Link to comment
limichelle Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 It’s not good he doesn’t trust you, which is all on his insecurities. I echo the above posters. You need to set him straight and tell him is jealousy and trust issues need to be worked on, if not it’s best you two part ways. I hate to say it but it’s not going to get any better if he’s already behaving this way. Link to comment
maew Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 In a stern voice, tell him to grow up and get over it, it was a joke. This. For crying out loud it was months ago... enough already. Also try not to let it get under your skin... next time he brings it up just ignore it or walk away. Link to comment
melancholy123 Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 Good advice above but Wiseman2 said it best and it's what I would say to your bf. He needs to grow up and get over it. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 Next time he brings it up, look at him like this "O.o" and then go out with the girls. Kiss him goodbye, tell him you love him and when you'll be home. Say NOTHING in response to his whine. Do this every time he whines about it. Or: You could just tell him you are NOT having this conversation again. Period. Do not respond to anything about it again after that. Link to comment
SherrySher Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 It was a really tasteless thing to joke about. I mean, let's be honest here. However your boyfriend is taking it too far. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted August 31, 2019 Share Posted August 31, 2019 I don't see it as a big deal. She was joking around. If the guy wasnt so insecure, he wouldn't have had a thought about it. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted August 31, 2019 Share Posted August 31, 2019 he had a friend over that was staying for a couple of daysI'm still wondering why he even asked her who she was talking to when he knows that his friend is staying with them, who the heck else would she be talking to? SMH Link to comment
Andrina Posted August 31, 2019 Share Posted August 31, 2019 When my husband and I were dating, we made a rule that once we settled an argument, it wasn't to be brought up again--rehashing things over and over. If it were me, when he brought up that he thought I was having an affair, I'd tell him I can't be with a partner who doesn't trust me--that I won't pay for a crime I never committed by being regularly berated. It's an ultimatum, but either you're a doormat or you stand up for yourself, because if a guy doesn't treat you right, love yourself enough to cut the loser loose. Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted August 31, 2019 Share Posted August 31, 2019 I'm still wondering why he even asked her who she was talking to when he knows that his friend is staying with them, who the heck else would she be talking to? SMH That is my question, too. OP, this guy has some serious insecurity issues. He doesn't trust you if he actually believes you are cheating with his friend, and continues to punish you for a figment on his imagination. Do not enable him by continuing to listen to his baseless accusations, much less defend yourself against them. Tell him very firmly to knock it off or it's done. And mean it. Link to comment
Apineda0783 Posted August 31, 2019 Author Share Posted August 31, 2019 Hi, Thank you so much for your opinion and suggestions. I do keep myself occupied, I have a 5 year old daughter and if you're a parent you understand. I have tried to leave the relationship but has threatened my life and family. I have gone to the police and no results. I feel trapped. Link to comment
Apineda0783 Posted August 31, 2019 Author Share Posted August 31, 2019 That's what I told him! Link to comment
Apineda0783 Posted August 31, 2019 Author Share Posted August 31, 2019 Thank you and I agree. Link to comment
Apineda0783 Posted August 31, 2019 Author Share Posted August 31, 2019 Thank you so much, you made me cry in a good way Link to comment
Hollyj Posted August 31, 2019 Share Posted August 31, 2019 Why haven't you gone to live with your family? How can you expose your child to this guy? Has he hit you? Did you tell the police he threatened your life? Have you contacted an abuse hotline? Leave him. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted August 31, 2019 Share Posted August 31, 2019 You think staying with this guy will be good for your child??? Tell your family he threatened you. Have them help you leave him and then have them take you to file a police report and a restraining order. Link to comment
LootieTootie Posted August 31, 2019 Share Posted August 31, 2019 If you can't leave for yourself... leave for your child. Your daughter will only think this is "normal"... She deserves a strong mom who doesn't put up with abusers. Link to comment
Andrina Posted August 31, 2019 Share Posted August 31, 2019 Stop making lame excuses for staying. You don't need the police to file a restraining order. Here's what I found with little effort, searching the Internet: Petitions for a Restraining Order are made through the Office of the Clerk of the Circuit Court and County Comptroller. Your family members should also file, since he threatened them as well. Another search showed a shelter for people in crisis, with counseling about resources. If you don't love yourself enough to accept being held prisoner, at least love your child enough to get out any way you can. Take his threats seriously. I had a friend who left an alcoholic who'd turned abusive. She moved in with her parents. When she went out to breakfast with her father, her ex trailed them, killed both and himself. Your man could just be bluffing to emotionally blackmail you, but you don't know what goes on inside his head. After leaving, I'd probably tell his closest relative to be aware he's emotionally unstable and should be Baker-acted if he goes into stalking mode or into a rage or a deep depression. Take care. Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted August 31, 2019 Share Posted August 31, 2019 I have tried to leave the relationship but has threatened my life and family. I have gone to the police and no results. I feel trapped. Yet your primary concern that brought you here was proving to him that a joke made months ago is just a joke? OP, I don't mean to be harsh, but your priorities are dangerously skewed. You need to get away from this man immediately, before he makes good on any threat. You should not be exposing your child to any of this. Contact the police or emergency services again to inform them of the threats. Do not tell him where you are going. Do not give him a heads-up that you're leaving. Contact a women's shelter in your area if need be, or a trusted friend or family member he doesn't know and come up with a plan to leave and stay there for a while. This is disturbing on a whole other level. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted September 1, 2019 Share Posted September 1, 2019 Is there some way I can get through my boyfriend's head that all it was was a smart remark? No. And BF's paranoia will never get better, it will only get worse. And remaining involved with him is dangerous. Unfortunately, so is breaking up with him. Consider contacting a local or Internet domestic violence agency for an opinion if you doubt what I'm saying, and work with them as your experts in forming plan to get out of this relationship safely. Link to comment
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