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Thread: Boyfriend's Dad Has No Boundaries

  1. #21
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by pinkyankovic
    We do not have a lease (although we've been trying to draw one up with him for almost a year, but he keeps saying it isn't necessary). In terms of laws, we live in NYC, and most of the laws are in the tenant's favor here.
    I can guarantee there's no tenant-sided law in NYC that would permit you to physically restrict the property owner access to his property by changing locks. However, if you're not on a lease, that makes moving out that much easier. Both you and your boyfriend need to put on your grown-up pants and properly rent a place that isn't a family connection.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Don't be embarrassed, flaunt those puppies, Pinky. He's rude and should be made to be the one that feels uncomfortable. P.S. *get that privacy lock, pronto* not a deadbolt.
    Hahaha thanks for your feedback! That was my attitude in the beginning, but after seeing how he only judged me, did not show embarrassment, and continued the behavior, I've become much more sheepish and terrified of him walking in on anything. And yes -- the privacy lock is my favorite idea so far. It's highly unlikely that my boyfriend would approve putting on a deadbolt anyway, but a short-term privacy lock at least while I'm home alone would be great.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    This is a business and needs to be treated as such. The guy's father has certain legal obligations to all his tenants regardless of being friends, relatives, etc. The personal relationship level is actually irrelevant here.
    Thanks so much for your feedback. Yes--that is the way I see it as well. I have been sympathetic to seeing it from my boyfriend's POV since it's his father, but they also don't have a good relationship (not surprising). I know that I need to keep checking myself because I've been fortunate to come from a family that, for the most part, communicated well, and parents who would *never* put me in this position. I understand that isn't everyone's experience, and that my boyfriend was raised in a family with few boundaries, and a home that often crossed over into abusive. This is a complex I can't even begin to understand, as often as I may try, and I think that these psychological effects have a lot to do with my bf not wanting to leave the apartment (even at times in the past when we have been able to afford to). I've been extremely disappointed to witness his father's unacceptable behavior directly affect my bf into his 40s, and our relationship. Thanks again for your feedback, I appreciate the perspective that the personal relationship is irrelevant, because it should be.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by pinkyankovic
    Thanks so much for your feedback. Yes--that is the way I see it as well. I have been sympathetic to seeing it from my boyfriend's POV since it's his father, but they also don't have a good relationship (not surprising). I know that I need to keep checking myself because I've been fortunate to come from a family that, for the most part, communicated well, and parents who would *never* put me in this position. I understand that isn't everyone's experience, and that my boyfriend was raised in a family with few boundaries, and a home that often crossed over into abusive. This is a complex I can't even begin to understand, as often as I may try, and I think that these psychological effects have a lot to do with my bf not wanting to leave the apartment (even at times in the past when we have been able to afford to). I've been extremely disappointed to witness his father's unacceptable behavior directly affect my bf into his 40s, and our relationship. Thanks again for your feedback, I appreciate the perspective that the personal relationship is irrelevant, because it should be.
    So, what are you going to do about it, Pinky?

    Let us know what your boyfriend says about that privacy lock.

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by indea08
    I wouldíve told him to get out the minute he walked in, then put a dead bolt on the door.

    Thatís not being a villain, thatís just maintaining a pretty reasonable boundary.
    I agree! Get a lock on that door. This is an easy solution. You can also move to Jersey for cheaper rent.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I think your boyfriend needs to reassess his living situation, finances and overcome issues with his parents. For someone in his 40s, he seems like he is living in la la land.

    If the issues presently are causing a divide between the both of you (one errant and misguided parent), think of all the possibilities that could happen. This is such a minor issue in the expanse of your entire lives. While I think the behaviours are inappropriate, I'd be more concerned about your boyfriend.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    You can also move to Jersey for cheaper rent.
    Yes! I would LOVE to move to Jersey! We've talked about doing that in the future, but it doesn't look like it would happen for at least 5 years, so I've got my fingers crossed for solutions on the interim. The short-term privacy lock sounds like a great short-term solution to me. Thanks for your thoughts!

  9. #28
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Wait is this the dude who chronically cheats on you? Why are you suffering him and an apartment that doesn't provide you any privacy? Do you not have a job or something? You're not beholden to a lease, so you could find a sublet and move tomorrow if you wanted to. If it's a matter of this place or the streets, then rock the boat as your discretion. If you've actually got options, then "anywhere but here" seems pretty damn straight forward.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by pinkyankovic
    Yes! I would LOVE to move to Jersey! We've talked about doing that in the future, but it doesn't look like it would happen for at least 5 years, so I've got my fingers crossed for solutions on the interim. The short-term privacy lock sounds like a great short-term solution to me. Thanks for your thoughts!
    Good luck. He sounds awful!

  11. #30
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    That is also illegal. You really need to educate yourself on appropriate laws and enforce them.
    Originally Posted by pinkyankovic
    We do not have a lease

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