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Thread: On and off for almost 8 years... Do I need to walk away?

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    It not just that you painted him as one... He is one. He has entitlement issues. He's like "that's your job as the woman, not mine" kind of deal. Don't make excuses for him now that you've actually pin-pointed what he is (without your rose coloured glasses clouding your vision).

    If all you think is wrong with things is that you have to tell him, if you're going to stay with him (not recommended) then learn to tell him without resentment but rather acceptance that that is what YOU have to do to change yourself in order to be content with him. You must learn to stop enabling him (by doing things for him that you've already asked him to do for example) and you have to let HIM suffer the consequences of his actions. Like you did when you told him to get his S*** picked up or it goes to the curb. If you have any chance of changing him at all (unlikely) then you're going to have to stop trying to control and let him sink or swim. If you don't think you can do that, then best to accept THAT now and get out of this relationship before he strips you of your joy.
    I don't think it's a sexism thing, more like a situational thing. Like he made it sound like just because he is unemployed, it doesn't mean he has to do more than usual. We've always split housework pretty evenly. But the other stuff... yeah, it's never going to change. I'm trying to accept it. It's hard to let go of someone you've been with for so long.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately he's very irresponsible and has a habit of fobbing everything off then playing the victim as if doing what everyone else does normally in the course of things is just too much of a hassle for him. Steer clear of entitled lazy people who are constantly a day late, a dollar short and have a pocket full of excuse. You'll have a happy life that way.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by lichen
    He always has these explanations that make it sound like I was being somewhat unreasonable in expecting the things I did.
    Please do a little Googling and research on ‘Gaslighting’ and report back here*

    Carus*

  4. #14
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    The only reason you're having trouble moving forward from this guy is because you've stayed involved with him. People who remain in the limbo disguised as friendship with an ex position themselves to stagnate. Then they believe that 'this' is as good as it gets, so why not settle?

    Skip that. The guy wasn't right for you before, and he's not now. That will become painfully apparent if you take up with him again. I'd cut the contact and move FORward. You'll thank yourself later.

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  6. #15
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    Thank you everyone. I really needed to hear what you had to say :)

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    No Probs....Did you do what I suggested...?

  8. #17
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    Hi Carus,

    I am very familiar with gaslighting, unfortunately. My mother and sister are deepy abusive, and frequently made me out to be crazy and over-emotional as a means of justifying physical and emotional beatings.

    I don't think my ex gaslights me purposefully, especially because part of my mental illness I do often forget some things. The things that I place importance on, and which he finds unreasonable, are a result of mismatched expectations which I was under the impression were common but which he doesn't place importance on. For example, when my dad was sick I wanted to move home to be closer to him. He wanted to do long-distance or have my father move to be closer to me. I find it unreasonable that my elderly father, who owns a home, should have to move when I am young and only rent an apartment. It seemed like such an obvious choice, but my ex acts like his expectations were completely reasonable and normal. I'm not sure if its gaslighting or he is just very self-centered. Or then again, I might be completely wrong too. I guess I posted here because I am genuinely unsure if my expectations were reasonable (expecting him to fly home early to help us move, help out more when he's unemployed, support each other's family when sick, etc.) And I am really disappointed in myself for holding these grudges. I guess that's another thing I was always accused of growing up...my mom said I need to let go of past abuse because I wasn't such a good kid and deserved it, and that I hold onto unhealthy anger.

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