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Thread: Breakup after six years

  1. #1

    Breakup after six years

    Hello everyone!

    I don't even know why i'm writing this but anyway, i think i need some advice or a good words.

    I have a little crisis and story goes like this...

    Me and my ex broke up about a month ago, both side agreement.

    We were couple for 6 years and this girl litteraly stole my heart. She still is beautyful, i like her a lot.

    We were planing to live together, i have an apartment and i invested in renovation. But now, at the end, we broke up.

    But the thing is that about 2 months ago she said to me first time, that she is scared... Scared of that she will want to try something new.
    We talk about it and few weeks later, she said this thing again and i realized there are red alarm flags for us.

    We talk about it again and we take a week to think.
    Then we meet and talk again...

    She said to me, that we can't go on like this.
    She lost feelings on me and she wanted to try something new (sexually). She told me that i am the nicest guy she ever met, that she was crazy about me, but we have to move on, seperatly.

    I was thinking too. And i realized, that i love her, with all my heart, but thats not it. I don't deserve that. I deserve more and i want more. I want a person that is 100% with me. Person that supports me, person who invested in relationship...

    So in the end she said to me that i deserve all the best and she don't want to have contact with me so she can go over me. She said that she is honest with me.

    I told her the same thing. Im not mad at her at all, happens, but... it is so so hard.

    I am 30, 6 years older than she is. And i know that i look differently for the future than she is.

    So now I work harder, i run, i go for a walk, i hike, listening motivational speeches, reading a book, listening sleep hypnosis,... But i still think about her. :)

    I don't want that, but there she is in my mind...

    And my coworker saw that i was a little bit strange at work, something diffrent...

    I told her all story and she said that she will regret this breakup and she will probably want to come back. My coworker knows me well and she said that im a guy that every serious woman wants.
    Im kind, romantic, smart, empathic, funny, supportive,... (her words)

    She also warned me about that "comeback" but i
    think thats not gonna happen. And in some point I dont want to...

    What do you good people think about that? 😊

    So lately i am lonely, i confess. I have no friends and i dont lie about that...

    And now im texting with a girl (my age). The thing is that she is really nice, serious and we talk about everything. She know that i am "fresh single". So we said that we'll go really slow...

    And i don't want "rebound" relationship. I dont want just sex or something... I think that i just want to meet her slowly and see what is going to happen...

    What do you think about all that? Some advice or anything?

    So... Is my story boring or what? 😁

    Ps. Sorry for my bad english...

  2. #2
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    I think your ex's age has a lot to do with this. She was only 18 when she started dating you, and she's not ready to settle down and commit to you and only you forever. She hasn't finished exploring yet.

    It doesn't mean there is something inherently with you, to be very clear. But the girl she was at 18 is not the woman she is at 24. She is still young, really, but this is such a transitional period in life that many relationships don't survive it.

    Might she come back? Anything is possible, though I think it's more likely you will both move on to other people. She will probably have a couple more boyfriends before she is actually ready to settle down. As for you, I would take it easy on dating at this point. Process the break-up and give yourself time to heal. There is nothing wrong with meeting new people and having some fun, if you wish, but I would keep things casual for now and make that clear to the women you meet.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    central Florida
    The problem with having no friends is that you make your woman the center of your social universe. That's smothering to her. It leaves you lonely when a break up happens, with no support system, and no life besides a significant other.

    It's more optimum to give yourself an entire year of being solo after such a long relationship. In my opinion, you need to learn how to like yourself enough with a fulfilling life of at least one hobby, guy friends, and enjoying alone time, or you will be seeking a woman to make you happy, versus wanting to share your happy life with a companion.

    In my opinion, if a dating experience can't be done at a normal pace, it shouldn't happen at all. If you feel the need to go at a slow pace, it's because you're not ready to date. Why date when you have to put up barriers, and you can't give your full heart to someone because the scars need to heal before that happens? You need to go through all the stages of a breakup before being ready to date: mourning (usually a minimum of 4 months after 6 years together) and gradually working through the healing process, until you don't think of the ex on a daily basis.

    I'm assuming you will continue communicating with the new lady, regardless of other's advice. If you do, I highly advise you also attempt to meet guy friends by attending meet up.com activities in your area, or join a sports team, or take up a hobby that's always interested you where you can develop new friendships. This will eventually make you a more well-rounded partner and you will have a life besides making a longterm companion your sole source of happiness. Good luck.

  4. #4
    Thank you both! I appriciate your time and advice.

    Yes, thats me, I should know this before that she is too young...

    I know that I have to get over her first. And I think the "new lady" would be just friend at first. Honestly, I don't want relationship right now...

    Friends? It's difficult situation. Two of them wanted to seduce her two years ago. One just for sex and other wanted to steal her from me. Yeah, good friends right?

    We and other couple were hanging around a lot lately and it's hard to "share" friends like this...

    I don't know, I keep telling myself that she's not worth it...

    I'm sure that she won't come back, but i'm really really scared of that this would actually happened... I don't want to fool myself twice😊

    Thanks again😊


  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Cloud Nine
    Next time, after so many years you should start talking about real commitments such as engagement, marriage, if you want kids, etc. Moving into your renovated apt is not a commitment or a future for her.
    Originally Posted by ConfusedDi
    We were planing to live together, i have an apartment and i invested in renovation. But now, at the end, we broke up.

    I am 30, 6 years older than she is. And i know that i look differently for the future than she is.

    And now im texting with a girl (my age). The thing is that she is really nice, serious and we talk about everything. She know that i am "fresh single". So we said that we'll go really slow.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    You should not be dating other people to get over your ex. It is very selfish. Why not process the relationship and learn from it.

    I think that you should be focusing on making some friends. Go to Meet ups, volunteer, join clubs, explore new hobbies. the healthiest thing you can do is make friends of both sexes.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    British Columbia, Canada
    Good for you for acknowledging this as maturely and peaceably as possible and good for your ex for also being just as mature about it. You sound like a very kind and even man.

    Go ahead with your renovations. Yes, go slow with the new lady but as Holly cautioned above, please don't use each other as a crutch. You should be self-sufficient and remain clear-headed in your decisions. It's generally not a good idea to date so close back to back after a break up. I think it's a good idea however that you're meeting new people and getting yourself out of the idea that you're committed to your ex in any way after the break up. Reconditioning yourself is a good idea. It's not a good idea to ask the new gal to move in with you anytime soon.

    Ignore what your coworker says. She's clouding your mind and your initial judgments. Folk often don't know what to say in the face of upsetting news and often say what's most comforting even though it is not the most useful. She may also be coming at you from a committed relationship or marriage standpoint (as a married man or woman) which is not the point that you were at with your ex. Both of you were just dating. Avoid overly-hopeful commentary that is full of illusions and confusion. Stick with the facts and what you have before you. Trust your gut instincts first and foremost.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Instead of turning to someone new to date, you should be cultivating a life outside of a romantic relationship.

    Join clubs, volunteer, adopt some hobbies, create a full life for yourself. Learn to be independent of a relationship and at some point when you are ready to date, you'll make better choices and you won't be in the vulnerable position you are now.

    Dating someone who makes their partner the center or their life is draining and unattractive to another person.

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