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Thread: Am I overthinking things? Should I continue to be friends with my ex or not

  1. #1
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    Am I overthinking things? Should I continue to be friends with my ex or not

    So I just got back into contact with one of my exes let’s call him apple.Our relationship was good but we broke up abruptly because he was having family issues and was stressed out about possibly being cut off by his parents if didnt move to where they wanted him to move.
    So when he broke up with me I cut him off because I honestly was in the mindset that I didn’t really care and I was just really hurt.
    Anyway, so two months ago, I contacted Apple because I was just think about the past and I realized how I never really gave my all in that relationship because I was still in love with my ex and I just felt like after two years maybe we can try again.
    Apple was shocked and happy to hear from me . He expressed that he thought a lot about us and our break up and he still does and he expressed that how he handle it in an immature way .Apple also expressed that he never even ended up moving to where his parents wanted to move but he did move to another state on his own accord. Anyway since then Apple and I pretty much talk every day or every other day . Apple moved out of our state while we were broken up and through this conversation we talked about past relationships and Apple expressed that he is currently in a relationship .

    Apple then asked me if I was talking or dating anyone and I said no I kind of just want someone to fall in my lap . And he said I’m sure God will bless with you one. Anyway Apple came back to our state over the weekend to visit his family and he wanted to meet up we met up and it was cool no flirtation jusy pure friendly .

    He dropped me off at home and expressed that he was happy to see me and he missed me. Since then we’ve been texting non stop.
    Yesterday I asked Apple if his intentions and feelings were friendly because I didnt want to be the one to ruins someones realtionship or get myself into drama that will eventually have me being hurt. Apple said that his intentions are friendly and apologized if he gave off the wrong impression. Apple did ask if he was single if I would have wanted to be more than friends and I said maybe (but to be honest after seeing apple over the weekend I felt like some of my feelings started to resurface). Apple said maybe as well and expressed that when we were together that he did love me and felt we went well together but unfortunately hes not single. Should I even continue to be apples friend? I feel like he still has feelings for me but he is not necessairly admitting it because hes in a relationship. Or should I just cut apple off and whatever is meant to be will be?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Regardless of his feelings—which none of us, including you, can fully know—I think you need to be honest about your own, as well as your intentions. From what you've written it sounds like you've been the one pushing things a bit, trying to gauge what he is "really" thinking and feeling, and kind of hoping what he's "really" thinking and feeling is something more than friendly.

    He told you, for instance, that he was in a relationship. Hard boundary. When he met with you he was purely friendly. Boundary respected. So why nudge him? Why the pushing to see about his intentions, to steer the conversation into a place where the very thing you want to avoid—drama—can't be avoided? That's kind of setting a trap for yourself, and in the ensuing conversation you each had no choice but to dip a toe into that trap with some whimsical professions. Nothing great comes from that.

    So, what to do? If you want to be friendly, believe that you are capable of being friendly, then stay inside those boundaries. It's not complicated, unless it is. And if it is? You know that you can't quite be friends, at least not quite now, not quite yet.

  3. #3
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Regardless of his feelings—which none of us, including you, can fully know—I think you need to be honest about your own, as well as your intentions. From what you've written it sounds like you've been the one pushing things a bit, trying to gauge what he is "really" thinking and feeling, and kind of hoping what he's "really" thinking and feeling is something more than friendly.

    He told you, for instance, that he was in a relationship. Hard boundary. When he met with you he was purely friendly. Boundary respected. So why nudge him? Why the pushing to see about his intentions, to steer the conversation into a place where the very thing you want to avoid—drama—can't be avoided? That's kind of setting a trap for yourself, and in the ensuing conversation you each had no choice but to dip a toe into that trap with some whimsical professions. Nothing great comes from that.

    So, what to do? If you want to be friendly, believe that you are capable of being friendly, then stay inside those boundaries. It's not complicated, unless it is. And if it is? You know that you can't quite be friends, at least not quite now, not quite yet.
    Thank you are right, I didn't realize how I am pushing things. I think its best that I keep my distance. I didnt realize that I had feelings until we met up and which caused me to over think things. Back to NC i go.

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    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Apple did ask if he was single if I would have wanted to be more than friends and I said maybe (but to be honest after seeing apple over the weekend I felt like some of my feelings started to resurface). Apple said maybe as well and expressed that when we were together that he did love me and felt we went well together but unfortunately hes not single.

    So if his gf had joined you two, do you think this conversation would've taken place? Since the answer is no, you both crossed boundaries. You were unethical, telling a taken man what you did, and he crossed relationship boundaries, speaking to another woman like that. If my husband was an emotional cheater and said this to another woman, I'd divorce him.

    And you think he's good bf material, texting an ex non-stop, and saying what he did to some other woman while in an exclusive relationship? It's like you can't see the forest for the trees.

    If he can't have any integrity, at least have some yourself. It's not too late to change your moral compass.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    This is a rotten apple. He is toying with you.

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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    Apple did ask if he was single if I would have wanted to be more than friends and I said maybe (but to be honest after seeing apple over the weekend I felt like some of my feelings started to resurface). Apple said maybe as well and expressed that when we were together that he did love me and felt we went well together but unfortunately hes not single.

    So if his gf had joined you two, do you think this conversation would've taken place? Since the answer is no, you both crossed boundaries. You were unethical, telling a taken man what you did, and he crossed relationship boundaries, speaking to another woman like that. If my husband was an emotional cheater and said this to another woman, I'd divorce him.

    And you think he's good bf material, texting an ex non-stop, and saying what he did to some other woman while in an exclusive relationship? It's like you can't see the forest for the trees.

    If he can't have any integrity, at least have some yourself. It's not too late to change your moral compass.
    Yes you are right, which is why I asked if hes intentions were friendly becuase I thought it was werid that he comfortably talking to me every day and I should have put a stop to it but honestly I wasn't sure and just confused. But after everyones advice its best to remove myself if apple wants to get back together he knows where to fine me and if we can actually be friends one day ethically than that may happen as well.

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    Originally Posted by allibaidoo4
    Yes you are right, which is why I asked if hes intentions were friendly becuase I thought it was werid that he comfortably talking to me every day and I should have put a stop to it but honestly I wasn't sure and just confused. But after everyones advice its best to remove myself if apple wants to get back together he knows where to fine me and if we can actually be friends one day ethically than that may happen as well.
    Hm, you already know he at least flirts with emotional cheating. Why would you want to be with someone like that?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    He has a girlfriend. He's spoken for. You need to cut it off with him.

    If I were a man's girlfriend, I wouldn't like it if he were texting non-stop to another woman. There's something sneaky and disloyal about it because the man's attention should be showered onto his girlfriend and NOT you. You need to exercise discretion and really back off to the point of respecting his girlfriend.

    Since he's out-of-state, he has his own new life now with his girlfriend. Do the right thing and cut him off and sever ties. Both of you broke up. Respect his relationship with his girlfriend.

    This picture is getting too crowded. Stop texting him and move on with your own life. Your old life with him is over and he's in a new relationship so let him live it. Don't bother him anymore. Know your place.

    And, since he's so busy texting you on the side, I wouldn't trust a guy like this to do this behind his girlfriend's back. It's dishonest and he'll be dishonest to his girlfriend, YOU and anyone is fair game. Don't partake in this lack of integrity.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    What happened around that time that inspired you to reach out to him? Did you recently break up with someone or have some romantic disappointments? You need to cease contact and let him pursue his current relationship. Don't set yourself up for an out-of-town lover.

    Get on some dating apps and start messaging and meeting single available local men. No one is going to "just fall in your lap" and backtracking through the black book and inviting another woman's man out and "texting nonstop" is a good way to fail and be disappointed.
    Originally Posted by allibaidoo4
    so two months ago, I contacted Apple because I was just think about the past and I realized how I never really gave my all in that relationship because I was still in love with my ex and I just felt like after two years maybe we can try again.

    since then Apple and I pretty much talk every day or every other day. Apple expressed that he is currently in a relationship .

    Apple came back to our state over the weekend to visit his family and he wanted to meet up we met up and it was cool no flirtation jusy pure friendly .

  11. #10
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    He broke up with you because he was afraid his parents would cut him off if he didn't move where they wanted him to and then he moved nowhere anywhere they wanted him to? What a crock of rich creamery butter he fed you.

    May I ask if his parents will cut him off if he doesn't marry the woman of their choice as well?

    You're better off without a liar and a cheat (which he would have done if you showed any indication that you were a goer). Yuck and good riddance to the likes of him. Glad to hear you have decided to go back to N/C and if you can't ignore him, should he contact you, then block and delete him so you're not tempted.


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