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Thread: How will I ever grow if my sons dad keeps coming in and out ?

  1. #1
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    How will I ever grow if my sons dad keeps coming in and out ?

    I left my sons dad 2 years ago for cheating on me with an old coworker, he jumped into a relationship quickly after with her. Completely abandoned his role as a dad. I was hurt and admit it took a while for my heart to heal. Now Iím good and the coworker left him. They still mess around and drive eachother nuts but I donít care about it. My problem is that when he has no one or sheís not around he will use my son and I as a crutch until he feels better. He comes in and out of our life, every time he shows up I already know something bad has happened in his life.

    At this moment he has no place to stay so Ive been letting him stay with us for 2 days I figured he would eventually get bored and leave anyway. Instead heís been clinging like a tick. So he will tell me heís not messing with the other woman but sheís all he talks about, he has a whole child with me and talks to me about a child they never had how he would never get to see the baby but he doesnít even see our son. When I bring up the fact he doesnít even visit with our son or he only comes to see us when he has nothing going for himself he says Iím jealous of the other woman but Iím not. Iím so tired of him coming back in our life every time he has no where else to go etc.

    I have done everything in my power not to enable him but he just pushes himself on me harder or his mom comes to my job to talk about not keeping her grand child away. Theyíve never been here for him though I donít understand why they try to force me to do things I donít want to do. Iíve been raising and struggling with my child for the last 2 years or so what exactly does he have to offer me Iíve found a way alone every time.

    Iím tired of him coming to me and using me just because we have a child together. We donít sleep together or anything just coparent while heís around then heís off again living his life for months at a time and comes back when things are going bad. Tells me heís done with her but in the house with us playing pretend family. Iím tired of being his emotional crutch. He says Iím jealous but really Iím fed up of him using my son and I as a way to keep coming in and out

  2. #2
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    Do you have any idea how damaging this is to your child?

    My "father" only parented when he felt like it after he and my mother split. I have been unable to choose decent men to have relationships with largely as a result of being coddled, disregarded, coddled, disregarded ad nauseum by my father.

    Think about your child; do you want him to act like his father does?

    You can say "no". Practice it because you'll need it if you want your child to have a decent upbringing. Then set a regular, structured visitation and financial support agreement WITH THE COURTS (I know in the past you refused because you didn't want to make your ex mad) and your ex can choose to follow it or be in contempt of court.

    Decide what you want for your child...a confusing, unstructured mess or a secure, emotionally safe childhood.

  3. #3
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Why does he not have anywhere else to live? Is he employed? Does he pay child support?

  4. #4
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    Why do you allow all of this? You are not helpless.

    You are hurting your child by showing him how much disrespect and pain you will tolerate. You are part of the problem! You are enabling him! Where is your self respect?!

    Thrown him out! Is this loser giving you any support?

    Learn the word no! You are hurting your kid!

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  6. #5
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    You wrote this in May:
    "He's on supervised visits, through me or his mom... and he has only given me money twice he doesn't help with anything really."

    So are you also letting him live with you for free anytime he's between girlfriends?

    You MUST put your child's wellbeing first. I don't care if you still love this guy and want him back so you'll do anything he asks or if you are just afraid of him being "mad" at you, it's time to put parenting over what you want.

    Also...how is his mom able to just waltz into your place of work and harass you? What does your boss think of your personal business being handled during paid working hours?

  7. #6
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    But Junkiee, youíre playing into his hand and subjecting you & your son to this toxic behaviour by allowing him to live with you.

    Why canít you tell him to find somewhere else to go/live?

    Until you tell him to take a hike, youíll have to live with the toxicity.

    Also, is there a court order in place regarding supervised visits, child support, etc.?

    If not, you need to get one. Otherwise, to allow this man to live in your home, not pay child support (if this is the case), etc. means that you are enabling, unfortunately.

    I think a lot of us hope & expect others to see our point of view, without having to point it out, because in our minds itís so gosh, darn obvious. Like in your case, Iím sure youíre frustrated over him not seeing things from your perspective; after all, heís the one that cheated, and here you are allowing him to live in your home. So he should just step it up, change his ways, and appreciate that youíve provided a roof over his head, right? If only it was this easy. Unfortunately, as much as we would expect someone to see things from our perspective, and to cooperate and sympathize, sometimes this isnít the case. In your situation, it sounds like youíll have to play hard ball (whether that means obtaining a court order [if you donít have one], telling him to find other living quarters, etc.).
    Last edited by milly007; 09-01-2019 at 02:53 PM.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    You wrote this in May:
    "He's on supervised visits, through me or his mom... and he has only given me money twice he doesn't help with anything really."

    So are you also letting him live with you for free anytime he's between girlfriends?

    You MUST put your child's wellbeing first. I don't care if you still love this guy and want him back so you'll do anything he asks or if you are just afraid of him being "mad" at you, it's time to put parenting over what you want.

    Also...how is his mom able to just waltz into your place of work and harass you? What does your boss think of your personal business being handled during paid working hours?
    This was in 2018. I cannot believe this nonsense is still going on kids . Poor kids!

  9. #8
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    You must take him to court and make him follow his responsibilities as a father and have him stand on his own two feet....all you are doing is enabling his loser behavior. If he keeps reneging on his duty, go back to the courts to get full custody. YOU MUST take responsibility to protect your kids. I hope to god you have them in counseling. You have rights too. Get a lawyer to fix this.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Boundaries. Door locks. Court ordered child support and visitation with a reliable schedule is a best for you child. The child need stability not an on/off chaotic ad hoc relationship between his parents. Don't parents with emotions, parent with your child's stability in mind. That means reliable schedules and predicable behavior from the parents. It also means focusing on the child, your friends, family, career and quality of life. It also means if you are ready to date all the appropriate things will be in place.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I have done everything in my power not to enable him
    Nope, you haven't. Get yourself into counseling so you can actually learn how to say no to this man. You enable everything he does to you and your son and you don't seem to listen to any advice you get from this forum.

    He has a mother. Let him go to her to whine and stop the routine you have going on with him. If you had his wages guaransheed through court order to pay proper child support and supervised visits set up with a third party supervisor like you should have had done the last time you complained about him on here, none of this emotional abuse would be reaped on your son.

    Stop the nonsense now and actually DO SOMETHING so it stops. Letting him in is ENABLING. Telling him NO and keep telling him no is not enabling. You relent and that is the epitome of enabling. If you do that with your son, tell him no and then he whines and you give in, then you are enabling him to use whining to get his own way.

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