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Thread: My Ex has kissed me twice and shes in a rebound relationship.

  1. #1
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    My Ex has kissed me twice and shes in a rebound relationship.

    Hello All,

    First time poster hear. Well, I dont want to bore you with the whole back story so Ill give you the key take aways. My ex and I have been Broken up for 6 months. We were together for 4 years and were and are still madly in love with each other. I lived with her and her 3 kids who i love. We had our issues but mainly they were mine as I was going through an extremely hard time through out our relationship unrelated to her. It took a toll on our relationship and I coiuldnt grow and heal the way I needed to while being in a relationship. So we broke up a year ago for 3 months but then got back together beacuse we missed each other so much. Some thing had changed with me but not enough had taken place and I was just begining to do the work I needed to. We even had that discussion upon getting back together but we wanted to be with each other so we didnt liten to our gut. Sure enough, 6 months later we broke up. This time it was different, the pain wasnt as intense and I felt more focused. So I did the work, and did alot of work. Ive changed so many things about me and my life and my life is completely different from when we were together. I knew I had to take some time and space from her and so we didnt talk for about 4 months. During that time I had zero interest in meetng other women because thats not what was important, getting my life on track and growing was the main focus. So I did. When I say I have changed I really mean it. So much has happened.

    We reconnect about 2 1/2 months ago and upon reconnecting she had told me she just started seeing someone. That was crushing because I've always hoped of getting back together with her and her kids, we were a family. We had a few conversations about us during this time and she openly admitted that this guy is the complete opposite of me, that shes dating him to get over me, that shes in love with me and that shes sad because she cant be with her "person" which is me. Me and this woman have an unbelievable connection and chemistry like none other and love and attraction were never the problem. Now knowing how she feels feels good but it also hurts because shes with another. I went into panic mode a bit because I thought I had lost her forever.

    Heres an important detail. Im in AA and have been sober for almost 12 years now. However I was a dry drunk and had no program for the majority of them, certainly the whole time I was with her. That was an issue. I am now working a program and Have been for the past 6 months ergo the change in me. One of her sons who is 15 is also an alcohilc and had come back from rehab 2 1/2 months ago. She looked to me to be there for him and help him and take him to meetings and such. So of course I did, I love him and will always be there for him. So with that being said, I am very much involved in his life and with that hers. I see him and her a lot, we interact and have a great time together, all of us do.

    We've had a few conversations about us and she said she doesnt trust me that things will be different and shes affraid of it failing again. She has also said that she sees the change in me.

    In the past 3 weeks we have kissed twice and have had intimate interactions. foot massages, long hugs, staring into each others eyes etc. Now I'm not sure she is still with this other guy but Im pretty certain she is. She continues to be hot and cold with me and our communication is spuratic outside of me seeing her and the boys. This is all driving me a little crazy and its impacting my mood on a daily basis. I dont know what to do. I love this woman and her kids and I want to be with her. But she doesnt trust me. I am too much in my head about this and could really use some insight and advice.

    Thanks so much to those who have taken the time to read this novel.

    J

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You may be better off as friends. Too much water under the bridge.

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    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Let's start with the good news. Sounds like you've spent some time getting intimate with some dark corners of yourself—shining a light on them, cleaning out the corrosion, so you're able to be fully present in the way you want but couldn't be with her. Terrific stuff, all that. Forever stuff, the path you want to keep on walking, and one your early go of romance set you on.

    Bad news: she, right now, is not someone to walk that path with. Complicated history, fraught feelings. And then there is the obvious: she is involved with someone. Be it serious, a rebound, a whatever, doesn't matter. She is involved with someone. To try to make your new foundation her jumping from that to you—c'mon, you're too smart not to see the irony there. You've already tried things with her with an iffy foundation (your cracks) and seen what happens; trying to build it when she's got the cracks isn't going to be any different. Listen to your mood: it's already cracking up.

    If your connection is as strong and special as you believe it to be you guys will connect when the timing is better. In your shoes, I'd stand tall, have faith in that, and let her know that you'd love to see what's what, are here to explore that at a pace that works for you, but that you can't keep hedging around in the gray zone as you've been doing. No more kissing, no more spiraling talks about things that leave you both a little exhausted. All that, even when it feels productive, is just sullying the good stuff between you, making the swamp swampier.

    You can—if you've got this in you—continue to be a friend and support beam for her son, and by extension a friend and support beam to her. That's deep character stuff, being able to go there without also trying to go there with his mother, and only you know if you can walk that walk. If so, I'd kind of lock in the boundaries there for a little, knowing this isn't the time for the other stuff to be front and center and accepting that time may or may not come. Zen stuff, that mindset, but possible and rewarding, part of the path you're already on.

    Stay on it, I say.

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    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm neutral on this. I believe everyone deserves second chances and we all require time to change and evolve. Just how long you are willing to put up with the distrust in a relationship is up to you. Remember that you are not married to her and you have other obligations (to yourself and your program).

    If you continue this path, make sure no one else gets hurt and don't stoop so low as to clandestinely see her on the side while she seeing another man.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Keep up your commitment to yourself to live a cleaner, healthier life and to help others who are trying to stay on that path. Your relationship with this woman is over. But if you want to help or sponsor her son for your own AA commitments, that's great.
    Originally Posted by LoveLorned
    Im in AA and have been sober for almost 12 years now.One of her sons who is 15 is also an alcohilc and had come back from rehab 2 1/2 months ago. She looked to me to be there for him and help him and take him to meetings and such.

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    How selfish that she uses this guy. The house also sounds like a revolving door of men. Terrible for the kids. Your ex has very poor judgement.

    The son is an alcoholic at 15. Good God! What type of environment did these kids grow up in?

    Now you are involved with her while she has a bf. What a mess! Why not focus on your recovery and move on from this toxic dynamic.

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    Hi Holly, thanks for taking the time to read my post and reply. I really appreciate it.

    Alcoholism isnt something caused by the household her other 2 kids are fine and so are my 2 brothers. And for the record, she has only been with me since her divorce 5 years ago and she hasnt introduced her new "bf" to her kids and I dont imagine she will. She is very protective over her kids and she knows he isnt the real deal. She is a very good person and Mother but people make mistakes in times of confusion especially when the heart is involved.

    Yes, it is a mess but her and her kids are worth it to me. She was there for me throughout our relationship and during my hard times and when it came time for me to be there for her I wasnt, i just wasnt capable.

    Thanks again, Holly.

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    Thanks Wiseman. Yes, my relationship with this woman is over. I am very much committed to living a healthier life and becoming the best person, I can become for myself and for others. But in the end, when you grow and realize your part in the relationship you get perspective and that perspective is very clear to me. Her and her kids mean the world to me. We were a family and I want my family back.

    Thanks, Wiseman

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    Yes, I agree. I have to stop kissing her and such. I need to respect myself and others. Thanks for the reply!

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    Thanks for taking the time to read and reply to my post. Yeah, I agree, this is not the right foundation to start a relationship on. I will continue to work on myself and be there for her and her kids but I have got to stop walking this line with her, it's not good for either of us. She and her kids are worth walking the walk. They are my family and I love them all very much.

    Thanks for the advice.

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