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Thread: Am I a fool?

  1. #11
    Adoormat's Avatar
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    The only reason I posed the idea that I was used for sex, was because of the drastic change in character that I couldnt explain, as well as, the mixed and conflicting signals. Her mouth was saying one thing but her actions made it seem as if she could give two you know what's. Quit reaching out first, from talking kindly to me to unfiltered destructive words. How could someone who claims to feel a certain way for you and what you are to them behave that way and be ok with such distance and coldness?

    I couldnt understand. I still dont. I recognize her damage but the fact that she claims to not be any of those things and that I have her all wrong, planted doubt in my own stability and clarity. It's just crazy to believe it isnt working out because there really is no real problem. She just became a monster. And I've spent months trying to understand or figure out why.

    I absolutely dig. I actually have texts with her where I've said, I just want to enjoy you. Us. I think about wanting to swoop her up and take her places. Ive done romantic surprises of cooking dinner from scratch. Surprising her with flowers etc. Almost with no acknowledgment from her. Why are we even bickering, at best. It partly is because I want to be close and she does not emote as she puts it. I fear she just doesnt have the time or energy for the level of closeness i desire.

    The question I asked her, of do you have time for this was early. Because she talked about all this and that going on so I didnt want to fall for someone who at the end of the day wouldnt be able to show up. It wasnt out of a place of neediness or doubt. I promise. And I know I'm not perfect and I am not at all trying to stand at my pulpit but I genuinely made every effort to try and make this work. I can with conviction say she didnt in action, but in words claimed I had her heart.

    But you're absolutely right sir. Regardless of who, what, when, why or how, it just isnt working. And its claiming my sanity. I will be closing the door on it permanently tonight. In person. Funny how when I said I wanted to swing by tonight, she "might" finally have an answer for me instead of I dont know. However I'm sticking to my guns, and it's hard to accept but I understand.

  2. #12
    Adoormat's Avatar
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    Also to the two recent posters. Thank you. I just wanted to know I made a legitimate effort to save something I wanted. Doubt and regret will eat me alive. I'm sure you can tell I can be quite the anxious person, situationally. You all have very thoughtful, kind, straightforward, clear and encouraging responses. And they have been invaluable.

    What caught me is this person reciprocated everything verbally and affectionately if you will. Much beyond my satisfaction. Then slowly took it away. I just didnt know why. Especially when the words being told to me were very loving. Thank you everyone.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    You are trying to force this woman to be someone she is not. She has clearly outlined for you who she is, how she is and that she will not change.

    She's made it no secret, even went as far to admit she's a bit of a sociopath. Sociopaths can act charming, wonderful etc,... but it's lies to manipulate.

    She wanted something to hold onto and maybe even an ego boost once the divorce was under way, but she used you. She's now done with it and again, she's not making it a secret.

    Why does she keep returning? Laziness to find another man, you're the easy option as you will come running each time and do as she pleases, but she knows she can get you to get lost just as quickly and you will still be sitting around waiting.

    This woman has little respect for you with you behaving that way, you do make yourself look somewhat desperate. No self respecting human is going to keep returning after someone admits all these bad truths to them, even tells you she doesn't cry and feels it's pathetic those who do. This is not a loving, warm hearted woman and she's not hiding it or trying to fool you. You just keep wanting to believe the fantasy you've created from early days of dating, early days of dating everyone is on their best behavior and true colors don't come out till later.

    All I can tell you, door, is you're not going to get anywhere with her. You will get used and tossed, used and tossed. And she will view you as, well...a doormat.

    Pick yourself back up, dust yourself off, block and delete her and move on. I'm sure you can find some ounce of self respect in there somewhere.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Most people understand the confusion you're in—that place where what made sense suddenly makes no sense. It happens in dating, and, like MissCannuk said, it does happen with greater frequency when things move super fast. Intoxicating stuff, but look closely at the word intoxicating and you see what is at its root: toxic, toxicity. Ingest too much too fast and you get hooked.

    There are lessons here—not lessons to turn you into a cynical monster, but just to understand yourself, and the business of connecting, a little better. Getting caught up in someone quickly—there are ways that all romances, including the healthiest, begin on a version of that note. But spending months doubling, tripling, and quadrupling down when someone becomes a monster? That instinct is worth exploring, because it means some part of you was "turned on" by treatment that should have been a turn off, or at least more turned on by a fantasy than reality. She got mean and you cooked surprised dinners. She got meaner and you bought flowers. Meaner still and you wanted to swoop her away. She tells you she's a sociopath incapable of empathy and your love and interest expands.

    What, do you think, is up with that? I'd say she didn't exploit you so much as a little self-loathing cluster of cells inside of you that she understood on a kind of primal level better than you do yourself. Most of us have those, pockets of fragile wiring that we need to tend to. Best we understand them fully so others can't play them like a fiddle, so we respond to those chords being strummed by distancing ourselves, not trying to close the gap.

    In your shoes that's what I'd be focusing on right now, finding empowerment there, so you don't fall "prey" to this sort of thing again, rather than dwelling on all the questions about her. Those, like Sherry pointed out, are basically just you trying to turn her into someone she is not—the version you want rather than the version you're getting. They're a highbrow way of rationalizing staying in the low trenches, of convincing ourselves that we are a bit healthier than we really are.

    I was in a version of your shoes last year. Met someone, clicked, had a terrifically fun two months. Good chats, scorching sex, some travel—all things I want out of romance, partnership. It was the first "hit" of those big feelings I'd had in a while, in ways more potent that the stuff of my last longterm relationship, in which I was always kind of on the fence and craving a bit more emotional juju. I was thirsty for it, in other words. A little too thirsty. Thirst makes us vulnerable. People lost in deserts will drink sand thinking its water.

    Come month three what was very fun became very un-fun. She got mean. I wasn't perfect myself, as the saying goes, but meanness isn't in my repertoire. I was spinning around, feeling the whiplash, and reaching out to the good people on this site for some answers. I have a high threshold for analysis, as you can probably imagine from my posts, and a little masochist in me that seeks some pain out of the business of living. But I'm pretty intimate with that masochist, intimate enough to not mistake his appetite for discomfort for sustainable intimacy. If romance isn't fun I can't hang around long. Two weeks in the spins and I was out, not buying her flowers in hopes that she'd get me high again.

    What was up with her? Don't know, don't really care. She'd make a great character in a movie but not a great partner for me, and that's all that mattered. I'm more interested in better understanding myself, so I asked some questions, found some answers, to understand the whole thing. It wasn't too complex at the end of the day, similar story as yours: a mainlining of sweetness that turned sour quickly. No regrets. I had a lot of fun, felt some things, and it was a plus to know that fun, and those feelings, were still in my arsenal. Learned some things too, and in ending it I was able to keep doing what I liked most in it: having fun, enjoying life with an open heart and a spiritual compass that was better calibrated. At another point in my life those two weeks of pure whiplash could have been months, maybe longer. I've got a few years on you.

    You're worth more than this. Don't train yourself to process someone treating you as disrespect as profound. It's not. Doesn't matter what cards life has dealt them. Feeling spit on is feeling spit on. Don't infuse it with mystery and it loses its mystery, its pull.

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  6. #15
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    How much of your "all" are you willing to give to try to keep her ? Are you willing to nearly destroy yourself emotionally?

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