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Thread: Some advice please - out of blue

  1. #1
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    Some advice please - out of blue

    Hello everyone,

    I would like some advice, nice word..I don't know...

    I've been dating a guy for 8 months, we have known each other for years but we were not so close. He is divorced and have one kid. I had few hard breakups and he had two really hard heart breaks ( marriage and a girl before). We talked about it, we talked about EVERYTHING. We were flirting few years ago but nothing happened and it was a funny thing since we both liked each other but decided to go separate ways. This 8 months was super. I have never had such sincere conversations about every subject and thing in our lives. We shared everything. He initiated calls, texts, weekends, dates..he even introduced me to his kid even though I thought it was early. Me and kid have a nice communication and I always planned everything according to his obligations with a kid.

    After 5 months we had first break up that last seven days - he had financial crises, which I knew and helped him as much as I could - but he was depressed about it and one day texted me a looooong message about how he feels like he can't afford me anything in life. He gave me back my things without even looking at me. I wanted to talk, saying that I understand the situation and that I am there for him and his kid, but had to let it go cause he shout me out.
    After seven days he texted me out of blue and we talked and he told me what kind of problems he has so I told him I will help him if that is the reason of our break up, not lack of emotions. He said that because of his emotions he felt guilty not giving me anything he wanted, and that he has problems showing me his emotions.

    We started again and he was great. He initiated our dates even more, he planned the trip for the weekend. He talked about me to his friends, even telling me about our future.

    One day he asked will I leave him cause he is not so good in showing his emotions and will I feel unloved because of that, and that he will try to find a way to show me in his way how he feels. He even told me he feels like a lucky man because of me.

    Few days ago he again had family issues ( regarding to financial situation because he just start working) and he was really strange about it.

    Two days ago he texted me in the morning, I was at work, everything was ok ( day before we saw each other). But later in the noon he texted me that he has to tell me that for this 8 month he has no feelings for me, AT ALL. That he tried everyday but nothing and that we should split.

    I was shocked. First I can't imagine that a person who is almost 35 years old can force himself to a relationship where you spend almost everyday with that person ( and you initiate) , you call that person almost every hour to speak with her, and plan even more kids with that person.

    First I asked was I not worth the time to sit with me and talk because of the text break up, then I asked again for my things from his apartment but he "has no time and will call me".

    I know it's not the other girl, I think it's a pressure again about the life situation ( he couldn't afford anything for the kid last few months) but is it possible to force yourself for 8 month to be with someone every day? Few days ago I picked him and his friend from the bar , he was drunk and he was laughing and smiling to me and saying he is happy and saying to friends "look at my girl". I am really confused, and not sure di I want to try to talk to him cause he really hurts me with those word about no emotions at all. My friends says he is under pressure and he will come back cause he is more into me, but I don't know what to say. When someone turns cold in few hours for the second time I am npt sure would I trust him againg. But on the other side I know the problems he is going threw, I had the same one last year and I didn't have anyone like he has now.

    Sorry for a long post...

  2. #2
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    How long has he been divorced?

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    I am sorry that you are having to deal with this. You seem like a kind and sincere person.

    Based on what you have written, I think that there is a 5% chance that you are dealing with a conman who is deceiving you emotionally and financially. But I guess if he introduced you to his children, then this is unlikely, thus the low probability I assigned to it. So in all probability, you are dealing with a guy who does care about you, but he is struggling immensely in his own life in terms of career, finances and mental health.

    As somebody who is recovering from a long period of depression in my 20s, I can tell you that unless you are in a very strong place yourself (finances, mental health, friends etc) then you do not want to be dealing with this.

    Without getting too deep into politics here, put simply, contrary to mainstream liberal and feminist theory, traditional society actually places a huge amount of pressure on men. All women have value for just being women, but all men are expendable and have zero inherent value. The only value men have is the value he creates for himself through his career. What a man does defines him, it is who he is and one of the most fundamental roles he must play in society is to be a provider for his family. That is why career and financial issues are so devastating to a man's fundamental sense of self worth, confidence and even raison d'etre.

    I went through something like that in my 20s and I basically gave up trying to build any relationships because, "how can I consider having a girlfriend and possibly raising children, taking care of my responsibilities... if I cannot even take care of myself yet." If I had to guess, your man is currently going through a similar thought process.

    But if I am right and you are feeling sympathetic and want to support your man. Don't do it unless, as I said, you love him very much and you are in a very strong place yourself. Serious depression and mental health issues (which your man quite obviously has) is not something you can just get over overnight. Unfortunately, it takes years, people relapse, and recovery is often incomplete. Some people never recover at all and battle their demons to the end of their days. It would be absolutely exhausting to be in a relationship with somebody like that, and there is no assurance that he will ever recover, or even that your support will help him recover.

    You are not in your 20s anymore (right?) I guess you want children, your biological clock is counting down, frankly your youth and beauty is ticking away. So as harsh as it may seem, I would suggest that you give up on this guy. You want a functional man to be your partner, not a project case to fix.

    Some time alone might do him some good. He needs to fix himself before he is in a position to be in a serious relationship again.

  4. #4
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    How long has he been divorced?
    He has been divorced for two and a half years, in the mean time he had few one month relationships but didnt' last cause of him. He is in good terms with his ex wife, even though she chetaed, he wanted to be in good terms cause of the kid

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    Thank you so much for your sincere answer.

    At first I felt like he was taking adventage of me, but every time he would earn some money ( cause he is freelancing also) he would say " we have some money now, here is half , pay your bills or something". And he would do things for me while I am at work ( fixed my car things like that) so it is not one way street.

    I was at the very bad place year and a half ago, I went to the pyschotherapy and now I am very good, that is why understood the things he is going through. But , I am aware if someone doesn't want help - I can't force it. I was just hurt by the words ( specially after last few weeks of showing happines and making plans for us - trips, vacation, moving in together...) that he doesn't have feeling for me AT ALL. And the sentcen after that : I am not sure I have feelings for anyone anyomore ( he is a little bit drama).

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    A man should be your rock and stability if nothing else. This guy is too much drama and unable to play his part in a healthy relationship, you don't want to be responsible for him if you have had a history of mental health issues yourself. I strongly recommend that you let him go, and gently but firmly reject any further attempts at reconciliation.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. 8 mos is not that long, so cut your losses. Unfortunately he is playing on your sympathy and using drama to manipulate you. He seems like a scammer who will use charm, hard luck stories and drama to get what he wants. He sees you as an easy target because you come across as desperate and lonely. Your life will be a roller coaster and a heartache if you continue with this guy.
    Originally Posted by Lady Blonde
    I've been dating a guy for 8 months

    -I always planned everything according to his obligations with a kid.
    -After 5 months we had first break up that last seven days - he had financial crises
    -I told him I will help him if that is the reason of our break up
    -I asked again for my things from his apartment but he "has no time and will call me".
    -I picked him and his friend from the bar , he was drunk and he was laughing and smiling to me and saying he is happy

  9. #8
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    Although you mention some of his good traits, the messy bad far outweighs the good. In the future, don't make any major decisions like moving in together after a full year together. It usually takes that long to get a clear picture of who that person is beyond the honeymoon period, although he showed his true colors sooner. Now that you moved in with him prematurely, it's harder for you, having to pack up and find another place to live.

    So he can't afford things for his kid and yet spends oodles of money on drinks at a bar? I'm going to assume you were seeing red flags like this from the get-go, and chose to ignore them. I think you have a lot more work to do on your psyche before being ready to date again. Because who you date is what you think of yourself. Subconsciously, you chose an inappropriate partner because you think that's all you're worthy of. When you love yourself, you'll choose far better partners for yourself and cut off the losers as soon as you see dealbreakers. Good luck.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    This guy is a mess. He can't keep his head or his finances straight, and he kept flip floppin on ya. His answer to his troubles is to dump you because he just can't handle life. I would tell him to have at it, bubb-bye.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    Although you mention some of his good traits, the messy bad far outweighs the good. In the future, don't make any major decisions like moving in together after a full year together. It usually takes that long to get a clear picture of who that person is beyond the honeymoon period, although he showed his true colors sooner. Now that you moved in with him prematurely, it's harder for you, having to pack up and find another place to live.

    So he can't afford things for his kid and yet spends oodles of money on drinks at a bar? I'm going to assume you were seeing red flags like this from the get-go, and chose to ignore them. I think you have a lot more work to do on your psyche before being ready to date again. Because who you date is what you think of yourself. Subconsciously, you chose an inappropriate partner because you think that's all you're worthy of. When you love yourself, you'll choose far better partners for yourself and cut off the losers as soon as you see dealbreakers. Good luck.
    Thanks for your honesty! We don't live together, he was just talking about this in the close future. I just spend a lot of time at his place so I have my things over there. And about the night at the bar it was a celebration of his friends, he doens't go out much, even thought I encourage that. I wanted him to start working proper job before moving in together, so I didn't response when he mentioned it.

    I always try to see the good parts in the person and I don't usually get into a realtionship ( three serious relationships by 33 )

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