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Should I be friends with my ex again?


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I am thinking of talking to my ex again and becoming friends again. Although I was really heartbroken during our break-up, with the nature of our break up and our relationship I think I want to rekindle our friendship. We were pretty physical in the relationship, but foundationally I feel that it was based off of friendship and trust. He broke up with me because we had to go a long time without contact, and when we finally got to talk again he said that he wanted to find himself and wanted time on his own, since he’d been depressed for the passed 5 years or so. He told me he didn’t want to lead me on and put me on the back burner, and that he still loved me and I was still his favorite person, that we could still talk and watch shows together like before (However I don’t know if he was telling the truth or just trying to console me). I also feel that I pretty much caused the breakup myself, since I rushed at him bawling rather than sitting down and talking it out. After breaking up i asked him a few questions that he said “not right now” to, so I sent him a text that I would be blocking his number and trying to improve/find myself too, and thanked him for everything. It’s been 3 weeks of no contact since we broke up (although I did not block him on social media and let him access my spam account during that time. He liked a few of my selfies and hasn’t deleted the pic of us off of his page, but I am going to disregard just in case) and I have had to see him and awkwardly maneuver around him/avoid contact every day at school. Since our classes are close together, I am forced to see him often. I really hate having to be awkward and ignore him like this, so I am planning on texting him again soon, maybe tomorrow or the day after tomorrow, hopefully so we can talk normally again and have fun together again, to end the awkwardness. Is becoming friends again possible or would it only produce awkwardness? Should I wait a little longer (although I feel pretty healed) or give up talking to him entirely?

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Only be friends if you can see him dating and happy with another girl and genuinely not feel jealous or sad.

 

If seeing him with another girl would devastate you, don't pretend or try to be "friends".

 

Also, be totally honest with yourself about your motivations. Do you think being "friends" would give you a chance to get back together? Again, be honest with YOURSELF.

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It's fine to say hello to him in passing. But, don't you have enough female friends to hang out with? And what do you think's going to happen when he starts dating another woman? You'll be put on the back burner again or totally cut out of his life, since most partners aren't comfortable with them keeping in contact and hanging out with an ex.

 

Same goes for you. Being friends with him will drive most potential dates away when they find out you're texting and hanging out with a guy you once had sex with.

 

He's just not that into you. Otherwise, he would've worked on any issues with you, instead of dumping you. Keep no contact and delete him off of social media, otherwise you won't have closure. You'll get used to smiling and saying hello as you walk past, and the awkwardness will eventually fade with time. No need to ignore him, but also no need to spark up a friendship which won't last and you'll have a scab ripped off that will have to heal all over again.

 

Take care, and good luck with your studies this year.

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The texting might have driven him away. Just say hey in the hallway if you don't want it to be awkward. Say sorry for the mix up and you understand you're broken up/no longer together, ask him how he's doing and be cordial because you have to run into each other at school. I don't recommend watching movies/shows, having long conversations or doing any coupley things together.

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Naaah. What sounds like a great idea in the moment presents too much of a mess. Think. Friendsies with exes leads to another breakup of sorts when one or the other wants to get involved with someone else, and it stagnates you in limbo while the great guys you could be dating pass on you because you're still involved with an ex.

 

I vote to skip that.

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It's too soon, OP.

 

You are going to find that being friends is painful. I can almost promise you that. When you have reached the point of relative indifference about him, and who he dates, then perhaps a friendship might be feasible. But now? The emotional dust has not settled enough yet.

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After 3 weeks. No.

 

When both of you can sit in the same space and there be no desire, no ongoing 'wasn't it great when...' discussions, or similar. Once you are at a place where you have both definitely moved on from each other, then it is okay to be friends, and it should happen organically. But, if you have to ask, then it is too soon.

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Leave him alone. Get on some dating apps and start messaging and meeting men. Also make friends by expanding your interests and social circle. He doesn't have much to offer, nor does he want to. You sound lonely but contacting an ex is never a good idea when you're in a bad place.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Everyone experiences breakups differently, but having asked this question to myself for the last two years, I'll throw in my two cents.

Actually, a couple of questions first? How long were you together? How deep were your feelings during said relationship? Do you have any remaining feelings for him?

 

If it was a long-term relationship and/or there were deep feelings involved, I think you need to give it more time. It always takes longer for residual feelings to really fade, even if it feels like they're completely gone; thinking about them is very different than seeing/speaking to them in person. Experts say you should take a break for half the amount of time the relationship lasted, actually--I think it's a great way to cool down, ease any tension, and let residual anger/resentment fade so there's no baggage/heavy "we-used-to-be-in-relationship" feelings.

 

I say all of this out of experience and I beg you not to make my same mistakes. I started dating my ex my senior year of high school (2015) and we dated until late 2017. I thought we were soulmates and we were going to get married--totally cliche, but he was my DREAM man. Humble, muscular, dark, tall, handsome, funny, quirky...the total package, right? Well, he came to college and turned into a complete jerk. He dumped me his freshman year and has been treating horribly since (I've allowed it; he's a master manipulator and I'm a people pleaser so it was NOT a good combination). We were best friends before the breakup, and he refused to let that go. Whenever I asked for a break, he would give me a week or two--not NEARLY long enough for me to heal from the heartbreak I felt, but I was so desperate for his attention and "nearness" I allowed it.

 

It was toxic. I never got a real chance to heal, and I think he used my feelings to his advantage. He got the cow and the milk for free, and I let him -- I treated him the way I did when we were dating, but he could still sleep with other girls and be "single". I was so dumb for not cutting it off sooner, but whenever I tried, he would always come back, saying "I miss our friendship so much", "you're the only person I really feel myself around"--true, and I felt the same way about his friendship--but I was still in love with the dude. We would be friends, fall into a friends-with-benefits situation, I would see him texting another girl or listen to a buttdial from him on a date or see a condom in his trashcan and inevitably have a meltdown--I was still in love, and he clearly WASN'T. He would say "We said just friends", I'd cry, he'd leave, we wouldn't talk for a couple of days, and then it would start all over again.

 

Long story short, it's NOT fun. I finally had the lady balls to cut it off last week (yes, you heard that right--TWO YEARS of getting treated terribly because I was a human doormat) and go absolutely no contact for as long as I need. How I explained to him was, "I know I'm your "best friend"--but am I your REAL best friend? You don't tell me about the girls you sleep with or the dates you go on or how nice that one chick's butt looked in the supermarket. I don't want to be introduced to any future girlfriends or hang out with you guys. I can't look at instagram stories or facebook posts of your future boo and not be sent into a rage or tears or both. I'm not a REAL best friend, and I think we both know it." He called me the day after, but for the first time in four years, I didn't pick up. He hasn't tried to contact me since, so hopefully, it finally sunk in that the days of me being his "yes girl" are over. Maybe we'll be friends in the future, but that won't happen for a LONG time, if at all--I still miss him and love him somewhere in my heart, even though I know he's emotionally dysfunctional and treats me like crap. It's hard to rationalize with feelings, so I had to go to extremes--blocked him on all social media, blocked his number, and unadded him on Snapchat. It sucked, but I can't be his real friend right now.

 

Can you? Can you look at social media/real life if he has a girlfriend and feel NO jealousy, hurt, or resentment? Be HONEST with yourself. If there are ANY lingering feelings, hold off on contact! Trust me. From someone who thought she was "mostly" healed every time her ex reached out, it doesn't work. Those scabs that you worked so hard on get ripped right off, and you're back to square one. Of course, it doesn't have to be awkward at school--nothing wrong with a smile or "hello" in classes or the halls. But if there are any feelings left, any at ALL, reaching out to him will only bring you heartbreak in the end. Trust me! But if you reflect and can honestly say, "I feel fine and I don't have any residual feelings", feel free to reach out! I'm friends with an ex and I have a great friendship. But it took three years of not speaking and doing our own thing to get there...just please, don't repeat my mistakes. I'm a senior in college who should be having the time of her life--instead, I'm surfing breakup message boards and crying into a quart of ice cream :icon_sad: Don't end up like me! Be strong. Trust your gut and LISTEN to it the first time around. Intuition is the strongest indicator we have, so don't ignore it. Feelings are strong and deep, and can have a way of resurfacing if you don't take enough time alone.

 

Good Luck and be Strong.

 

xoxo

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