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Thread: Should I be friends with my ex again?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Surrey BC, Canada
    No.....you broke up for a reason...it's over and time to move on.

  2. #12
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    I vote "no." You'll more than likely end up being demoted to FWBs, (imo). Unless you're willing to for fall for a few crumbs here and there, your self-respect will fall to a critical low.

    Go forward...
    Last edited by HeartGoesOn; 08-29-2019 at 12:56 PM.

  3. #13
    Join Date
    Sep 2019
    Everyone experiences breakups differently, but having asked this question to myself for the last two years, I'll throw in my two cents.
    Actually, a couple of questions first? How long were you together? How deep were your feelings during said relationship? Do you have any remaining feelings for him?

    If it was a long-term relationship and/or there were deep feelings involved, I think you need to give it more time. It always takes longer for residual feelings to really fade, even if it feels like they're completely gone; thinking about them is very different than seeing/speaking to them in person. Experts say you should take a break for half the amount of time the relationship lasted, actually--I think it's a great way to cool down, ease any tension, and let residual anger/resentment fade so there's no baggage/heavy "we-used-to-be-in-relationship" feelings.

    I say all of this out of experience and I beg you not to make my same mistakes. I started dating my ex my senior year of high school (2015) and we dated until late 2017. I thought we were soulmates and we were going to get married--totally cliche, but he was my DREAM man. Humble, muscular, dark, tall, handsome, funny, quirky...the total package, right? Well, he came to college and turned into a complete jerk. He dumped me his freshman year and has been treating horribly since (I've allowed it; he's a master manipulator and I'm a people pleaser so it was NOT a good combination). We were best friends before the breakup, and he refused to let that go. Whenever I asked for a break, he would give me a week or two--not NEARLY long enough for me to heal from the heartbreak I felt, but I was so desperate for his attention and "nearness" I allowed it.

    It was toxic. I never got a real chance to heal, and I think he used my feelings to his advantage. He got the cow and the milk for free, and I let him -- I treated him the way I did when we were dating, but he could still sleep with other girls and be "single". I was so dumb for not cutting it off sooner, but whenever I tried, he would always come back, saying "I miss our friendship so much", "you're the only person I really feel myself around"--true, and I felt the same way about his friendship--but I was still in love with the dude. We would be friends, fall into a friends-with-benefits situation, I would see him texting another girl or listen to a buttdial from him on a date or see a condom in his trashcan and inevitably have a meltdown--I was still in love, and he clearly WASN'T. He would say "We said just friends", I'd cry, he'd leave, we wouldn't talk for a couple of days, and then it would start all over again.

    Long story short, it's NOT fun. I finally had the lady balls to cut it off last week (yes, you heard that right--TWO YEARS of getting treated terribly because I was a human doormat) and go absolutely no contact for as long as I need. How I explained to him was, "I know I'm your "best friend"--but am I your REAL best friend? You don't tell me about the girls you sleep with or the dates you go on or how nice that one chick's butt looked in the supermarket. I don't want to be introduced to any future girlfriends or hang out with you guys. I can't look at instagram stories or facebook posts of your future boo and not be sent into a rage or tears or both. I'm not a REAL best friend, and I think we both know it." He called me the day after, but for the first time in four years, I didn't pick up. He hasn't tried to contact me since, so hopefully, it finally sunk in that the days of me being his "yes girl" are over. Maybe we'll be friends in the future, but that won't happen for a LONG time, if at all--I still miss him and love him somewhere in my heart, even though I know he's emotionally dysfunctional and treats me like crap. It's hard to rationalize with feelings, so I had to go to extremes--blocked him on all social media, blocked his number, and unadded him on Snapchat. It sucked, but I can't be his real friend right now.

    Can you? Can you look at social media/real life if he has a girlfriend and feel NO jealousy, hurt, or resentment? Be HONEST with yourself. If there are ANY lingering feelings, hold off on contact! Trust me. From someone who thought she was "mostly" healed every time her ex reached out, it doesn't work. Those scabs that you worked so hard on get ripped right off, and you're back to square one. Of course, it doesn't have to be awkward at school--nothing wrong with a smile or "hello" in classes or the halls. But if there are any feelings left, any at ALL, reaching out to him will only bring you heartbreak in the end. Trust me! But if you reflect and can honestly say, "I feel fine and I don't have any residual feelings", feel free to reach out! I'm friends with an ex and I have a great friendship. But it took three years of not speaking and doing our own thing to get there...just please, don't repeat my mistakes. I'm a senior in college who should be having the time of her life--instead, I'm surfing breakup message boards and crying into a quart of ice cream Don't end up like me! Be strong. Trust your gut and LISTEN to it the first time around. Intuition is the strongest indicator we have, so don't ignore it. Feelings are strong and deep, and can have a way of resurfacing if you don't take enough time alone.

    Good Luck and be Strong.

    Last edited by bf1997; 09-27-2019 at 12:54 AM.

  4. 10-31-2019, 01:43 PM

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