sophielsx Posted August 28, 2019 Share Posted August 28, 2019 I just wanted some advice.. I have recently been invited on my boyfriend’s friends hen party, it is abroad and for three nights. A couple of years ago my boyfriend cheated on me (kissed) the brides best friend, who turns out to be the maid of honour. Although I have forgiven him and we have moved on, I have found it hard to forgive the girl as she knew he had a girlfriend at the time and every time we see her at friend events she tries and makes conversation with my boyfriend (obviously trying to rub it in my face). So I don’t know whether or not to go on the hen do? I don’t want to feel uncomfortable and put in a situation I don’t want to be in, for some reason the girl obviously wants to still make things awkward (such an adult), but I feel like I am letting the bride and other girls down by not going. So does anyone have any opinions on the matter that they would like to share? As I am so 50/50 about the situation. Please no nasty comments Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted August 28, 2019 Share Posted August 28, 2019 Go for the other people and have fun. Don't pay attention to the past or her. It was most likely a stupid move on your bf's part and that's who you really have a grudge against. How serious are you with your bf and how close are you to the other attendees? Let that determine whether you decide to go. I have recently been invited on my boyfriend’s friends hen party, it is abroad and for three nights. A couple of years ago my boyfriend cheated on me (kissed) the brides best friend, who turns out to be the maid of honour. Link to comment
Camber 2019 Posted August 28, 2019 Share Posted August 28, 2019 If you feel comfortable enough - go! Be the bigger person. Perhaps you could be civil, yet firm and professional with her. You don't want her to think she got the best of you, you want her to feel as if she has no effect on you whatsoever... Link to comment
Hollyj Posted August 28, 2019 Share Posted August 28, 2019 I think that it is interesting that you forgave him, and not her. Will never understand that! If you like the other people, then go. Link to comment
sophielsx Posted August 28, 2019 Author Share Posted August 28, 2019 That’s why I’m 50/50 because I don’t want her to feel like she has ‘won’. I guess I’m just apprehensive, it’s not a situation I ever thought I’d be in Link to comment
sophielsx Posted August 28, 2019 Author Share Posted August 28, 2019 We’ve been together for 5 years, and I wouldn’t say I hold a grudge towards my boyfriend but at least he has taken half of the responsibility which she hasn’t, so it was a stupid move on both parts Link to comment
sophielsx Posted August 28, 2019 Author Share Posted August 28, 2019 It may be because she still tries to be all over him when we attend friends parties? He has apologised and feels guilty where as she is a cold faced about it, so maybe that’s why :) Link to comment
Camber 2019 Posted August 28, 2019 Share Posted August 28, 2019 I have recently been invited on my boyfriend’s friends hen party Just to put this in context... is your boyfriend's friend a female, or is it his male friend's partner? Link to comment
Hollyj Posted August 28, 2019 Share Posted August 28, 2019 It may be because she still tries to be all over him when we attend friends parties? He has apologised and feels guilty where as she is a cold faced about it, so maybe that’s why :) What does he do when she flirts with him? Link to comment
Rose Mosse Posted August 28, 2019 Share Posted August 28, 2019 Have you considered that her actions may be because your boyfriend doesn't shut them down appropriately? You should be able to identify your closest relationships and award those relationships with equal weight and responsibility. If either of you aren't curbing the attentions of others appropriately, it may be a good idea to review your relationship and what you both consider appropriate and inappropriate. In regards to the party, if you are not comfortable with it, don't go. There's no point associating with people you do not get along with. Appearing to do so will only confuse yourself and others around you. Link to comment
melancholy123 Posted August 28, 2019 Share Posted August 28, 2019 You need to figure out how to get past this and not let it be an issue in your life. If you want to go, then go, and ignore this girl who you are allowing to have such power over you that you arent sure whether or not you want to go. Be the adult here, decide what you want, and then do it! Link to comment
SarahLancaster Posted August 28, 2019 Share Posted August 28, 2019 If you decide not to go, you don't need to present any explanations. Just write, "Thank you for the invitation, but I will not be able to attend." If you decide you want to go, just go and be extremely pleasant with everyone. Being happy and bubbly is the best weapon in a situation like this. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted August 28, 2019 Share Posted August 28, 2019 We’ve been together for 5 years, and I wouldn’t say I hold a grudge towards my boyfriend but at least he has taken half of the responsibility which she hasn’t, so it was a stupid move on both parts .....Ummmm.....I'm sorry but the fault is 100% your bf's. He is the one who is the in the relationship, not her. It's 100% on him what he chooses, emphasis on chooses, to do with people who may find him attractive and otherwise flirt with him. It's 100% on him to shut that down. She continues to try and flirt with him, OP, because your bf allows it. It's tempting to exonerate your SO and blame someone else.....but that's ignoring the reality of who actually owed you loyalty and fidelity. Hint...it's not her. She owes you exactly zero apologies. It's on your bf to shut her down and if he isn't doing it.....you need to rethink this relationship and your bf's character. Don't get stuck in a false investment. If the company is bankrupt, you wouldn't keep putting money in it...so be sure you don't keep investing in a bankrupt relationship. Time, how long, how much you've invested so far are irrelevant. Imagine you marry him and 30 years from now, kids, mortgage, a whole life together, you find out he's been cheating on you on and off for years. Is that what you want? No right? When people show you their true character, believe them. If some dude was hitting on him, he'd know exactly how to shut that down fast. I guarantee you there wouldn't be any "woops we kissed". If she continues to flirt and you continue to be uncomfortable around her, it's your gut telling you what you don't want to hear - your relationship is on the rocks and your bf is not as honest and loyal as you want him to be. Anyway, as for the hen party, show some strength, go have fun and treat her politely but as an irrelevance because she isn't actually relevant. She doesn't matter, focus on the real culprit. Link to comment
shellyf62 Posted August 28, 2019 Share Posted August 28, 2019 Why doesnt he walk away or tell her to stop when she is "all over him"? I think he likes the attention. I wouldnt be staying with someone who doesnt care about my feelings. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted August 28, 2019 Share Posted August 28, 2019 "Won" what? A bf who flirts, "cheats" and encourages women? You got stuck with a jerk, so in that sense she "won" because this fool is with you and she is free to date decent guys with boundaries who know how to keep their hands to themselves. Unfortunately, your bf is the problem..That’s why I’m 50/50 because I don’t want her to feel like she has ‘won’. I guess I’m just apprehensive, it’s not a situation I ever thought I’d be in Link to comment
catfeeder Posted August 29, 2019 Share Posted August 29, 2019 My first consideration before responding to any invitation is, "What do I WANT to do?" Everything else is just noise, because catering to what we imagine other people might think is ridiculous. Nobody else is really all that invested in what we do. If you don't want to go, don't explain yourself or make excuses, just send the regret card. It's really not a big deal. Link to comment
sophielsx Posted August 29, 2019 Author Share Posted August 29, 2019 Just to make it clear to everyone. My boyfriend tells her not to talk to him when she tries, he doesn’t instigate it, and regarding our relationship like I said we have moved on so I don’t get why people are judging when you actually don’t know the whole story? It’s nice to post on these forums for advice but when people start judging your relationship when you’re perfectly happy is something else, it’s rude. Link to comment
sophielsx Posted August 29, 2019 Author Share Posted August 29, 2019 IÂ’m sorry but we have worked through what weÂ’ve been through, so yeah maybe in the past he was a jerk but not now, so IÂ’m not stuck with a jerk at all, and he doesnÂ’t flirt so I donÂ’t actually know where you are picking that up from, you are actually so rude lol Link to comment
sophielsx Posted August 29, 2019 Author Share Posted August 29, 2019 I’m sorry but what me and my boyfriend are perfectly fine and happy in our relationship and have moved on from mistakes, he isn’t a jerk at all, so I think you’re being a teeeeeny but judgemental here, he isn’t a bloody fool at all. Who are you to actually judge? Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted August 29, 2019 Share Posted August 29, 2019 If you're perfectly happy now, then don't let this woman bother you. She's only making a fool of herself if she continues to try to trigger you, when this all happened a couple years ago and he hasn't made any other moves to be with her. If she does keep it up while you're at this hen party, pull her aside and tell her very firmly to stop. Remind her that this is the bride's weekend and she should be mindful not to create drama. Then walk away and ignore her. Does the bride know what happened? Link to comment
catfeeder Posted August 29, 2019 Share Posted August 29, 2019 If she does keep it up while you're at this hen party, pull her aside and tell her very firmly to stop. Remind her that this is the bride's weekend and she should be mindful not to create drama. Then walk away and ignore her. Does the bride know what happened? Keep what up, exactly? Why let someone bait you into a confrontation over a situation you've already 'won'? If miss douchbag wants your BF, then too-bad-so-sad. I'd be as polite to her as I would be to a stranger, and if she doesn't respond well to that, it's a reflection on her, not me. Let her act like one hand clapping while you remain cheerful and ignorant of whatever her problem might be. That's if you opt to go. I see no reason to position yourself in discomfort for 3 days for anyone but the closest, most loving relationships in your life. If these are not close friends, then why bother feeding a fantasy that people care as much about your love life as you imagine? Link to comment
smackie9 Posted August 29, 2019 Share Posted August 29, 2019 Just ignore her. Obviously she will not get anywhere with your BF no matter what she does, so you have nothing to worry about. Link to comment
Rose Mosse Posted August 29, 2019 Share Posted August 29, 2019 I think she's just having a hard time knowing when no means no. Sometimes people don't think that far or overanalyze why someone appears stiff or stuck up (not saying he is but he may be acting a bit weird for your sake). They're there to have a good time. She may be trying to be cordial even though it looks inappropriate given the history. Why don't you focus more on your sexy bf and appreciate the fact that others think he's attractive too? I agree with Smackie - trust your bf. If you have a deep distrust of him, maybe it's a good idea to look at the relationship as a whole and see whether this is worth pursuing. Link to comment
sophielsx Posted August 29, 2019 Author Share Posted August 29, 2019 I honestly don’t have a distrust in my boyfriend, the whole post is about thoughts on whether I should attend the hen party which is what is bringing me down at the moment Link to comment
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