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What are some next steps after our meeting?


lioil

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So i have been communicating (phone/video/text) with this girl from China for 1/2 year. We were introduced through a reliable friend of mine and of her mother's(they been friends for 20+ years). She came to US for vacation with her mom and also to meet last few weeks and went back last weekend. We met a total of 3 times during the 2.5 weeks she was here - once for dinner and chat, once with her and her mom to visit some places and 3rd time the night before she left. She had other plans to go to other places and see her sister so that's why we didn't meet as much as i would've liked.

 

She works as a secretary in a school and her english is limited, although she and her mom did go to NYC, PA and couple other places by themselves (no tour guide) for 1.5 weeks so she knows some basic english to get by. The mutual friend is very invested and asked me how i feel and if i want to continue or not. I did enjoy her company and am curious what i should do for next steps. I do have some concerns:

 

1. I want to have a family. I did ask her question about having children and she said back in her city she doesnt seem to see the importance of having kids.

2. What she would do coming here. I guess if she comes here and learn english and have a family that's fine. Maybe in future do some administrative work? Her sister also married from china and works as dentist assistant.

 

Ideally it is best to find someone in US but currently i don't have anyone and dont want to keep waiting (38 now and females

 

Any suggestions on what to do next?

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Do you and your family think it's auspicious match? What about her and her family? Is she interested? Isn't that the point of these intros in your culture? To see if you want a marriage? Do you communicate with her in Chinese? How is the communication between you two? Does she want to move here? What is her motive for meeting US men?

We were introduced through a reliable friend of mine and of her mother's

1. I want to have a family. I did ask her question about having children and she said back in her city she doesnt seem to see the importance of having kids.

2. What she would do coming here. I guess if she comes here and learn english and have a family that's fine.

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I think once a third party introduces you to someone or sets up a blind date, then they are out of the equation. They don't have the right to know if you want to continue or not. You arrange any future meetings with the woman herself.

 

1. I want to have a family. I did ask her question about having children and she said back in her city she doesnt seem to see the importance of having kids.

 

What if she decides that she really doesn't want kids in the US, either?

You speak Chinese, so she won't feel alone but how would she reasonably survive aside from having a menial job at a place a Chinese family owns if she were to come to the US. I get you will support her, but she may not feel fulfilled and may thrive better with a social life of her own.

 

No, she can't just come to the US to have a family. she has to be able to come here on her own merits as well.

 

Is she even attracted to you?

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I'd grow your reasons for wanting to find a partner. I understand your sentiments and desire/urgency to have a family but it's not going to help you if those are your only reasons - it makes you appear a bit suspect as marriage is about a lot more than producing offspring.

 

What else do you know about this woman? She seems a bit ambivalent and not as strongly opinionated as you about wanting to have kids. It also appears she either didn't answer your question #2 in full or was evasive for her own reasons (might have thought you were a bit too forward and awkward). She may not want to work at all after moving to the US. Are you prepared to take on the responsibility of a spouse who doesn't work and potential kids/dependents? How financially sound are you? I think it's a risky proposition and you don't know enough about her that you ought to know before contemplating this any further.

 

It's good that you know what you want - a family. Try rounding that out a little and growing through that idea, figure out what you want in a partner now (the qualities) and try and get a good handle on what you can and can't afford (mentally, emotionally, financially).

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Find someone who lives near you.

 

yep, we already said that on several threads and he won't listen. He says there are no Chinese women of childbearing age that he can find that are single. He may have to move to another metro area with a larger Chinese immigrant population or up his game

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yep, we already said that on several threads and he won't listen. He says there are no Chinese women of childbearing age that he can find that are single. He may have to move to another metro area with a larger Chinese immigrant population or up his game

 

Oh no... is this the same story AGAIN? How many threads does this make now?

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yep, we already said that on several threads and he won't listen. He says there are no Chinese women of childbearing age that he can find that are single. He may have to move to another metro area with a larger Chinese immigrant population or up his game

 

He cant be looking too hard if this scenario seems appealing to him.

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Soo from what I gather its about looking for a Chinese womb to have his kids? Heaven forbid if is was about love or being happy. Just about finding a human to have his children.

 

I totally get how when someone is an immigrant or is first generation but is strongly connected to their culture might want to meet someone similar to them and may consider women who are back in their home country. it was VERY common in decades past and it wasn't about a green card as much as finding shared culture. My dad's friend went back to Greece to find a bride (but it was someone that was already in his orbit. Their grandmothers were best friends and he had met her on trips growing up), but nowadays with the internet, it is MUCH easier to meet someone - even someone who is in the next town over that has a similar background to you and is in the same boat - speaks the language of origin, etc., and culturally relates to you and grew up around similar families that is not overseas.

 

I really though get the impression that its also about competition - he wants to meet a woman without having all the competition of other men - to be the one American guy and they meet, either go for eachother or not, versus a woman here who meets American citizens and residents on a daily basis.

 

Its actually not hard to meet a woman in the United States in her 30s who wants to find her future husband and have kids. There are tons of women who want that. There are a lot of cities also with large Chinese-American immigrant, 1st through 3rd generaton populations - Los Angeles, Boston, and more.

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I totally get how when someone is an immigrant or is first generation but is strongly connected to their culture might want to meet someone similar to them and may consider women who are back in their home country. it was VERY common in decades past and it wasn't about a green card as much as finding shared culture. My dad's friend went back to Greece to find a bride (but it was someone that was already in his orbit. Their grandmothers were best friends and he had met her on trips growing up), but nowadays with the internet, it is MUCH easier to meet someone - even someone who is in the next town over that has a similar background to you and is in the same boat - speaks the language of origin, etc., and culturally relates to you and grew up around similar families that is not overseas.

 

I really though get the impression that its also about competition - he wants to meet a woman without having all the competition of other men - to be the one American guy and they meet, either go for eachother or not, versus a woman here who meets American citizens and residents on a daily basis.

 

Its actually not hard to meet a woman in the United States in her 30s who wants to find her future husband and have kids. There are tons of women who want that. There are a lot of cities also with large Chinese-American immigrant, 1st through 3rd generaton populations - Los Angeles, Boston, and more.

 

Also San Francisco, Seattle, Vancouver... all have a booming immigrant Chinese population, so it can’t be about the nationality as much as it is about perhaps having views or values that don’t align well with American or Canadian women.

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Find someone who lives near you.

 

i am sorry i cant find anyone nearby. I tried but nothing really matches. Many matches say i am too old. So age is a conversation non-starter (38). Anyone

 

Like i mentioned age is a non-starter for some, religion is another, politics too.

 

So i should only seek someone nearby and never get married if i dont find someone here?

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I totally get how when someone is an immigrant or is first generation but is strongly connected to their culture might want to meet someone similar to them and may consider women who are back in their home country. it was VERY common in decades past and it wasn't about a green card as much as finding shared culture. My dad's friend went back to Greece to find a bride (but it was someone that was already in his orbit. Their grandmothers were best friends and he had met her on trips growing up), but nowadays with the internet, it is MUCH easier to meet someone - even someone who is in the next town over that has a similar background to you and is in the same boat - speaks the language of origin, etc., and culturally relates to you and grew up around similar families that is not overseas.

 

I really though get the impression that its also about competition - he wants to meet a woman without having all the competition of other men - to be the one American guy and they meet, either go for eachother or not, versus a woman here who meets American citizens and residents on a daily basis.

 

Its actually not hard to meet a woman in the United States in her 30s who wants to find her future husband and have kids. There are tons of women who want that. There are a lot of cities also with large Chinese-American immigrant, 1st through 3rd generaton populations - Los Angeles, Boston, and more.

 

yes and no. Women at least i get introduced always look for someone better. So we run into situation where a lot of chinese women too old. Like there's an 82 yale phd and she looks for only phd and makes 150k+. Or some that are compatible with me but 35 already which is too old to have children in terms of risks etc. so a lot of things are being considered. I even had a woman going back to communicate with me 2 years later but shes too old. its really down to prioritizing things. Asian women values education, money, stability a lot more. Of course some ABCs are more influenced by american culture.

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I haven't read your other thread but it seems to me that you are focused more on marrying and having kids as opposed to the actual person and relationship. If you don't "want to keep waiting" then I don't think communicating with someone by phone, video or text in China for a year and half before finally meeting is the way to go about it, especially when it doesn't seem as though your meet up has escalated anything. I think you are living in a dream. You are even trying to work out what job she can do when she goes back to work after having your children. I feel you are running away with this when you have no idea what she wants at all.

Does she want to work in the US? Does she want children? She doesn't sound too keen. To be honest, you don't seem to be on the same page at all.

 

If I were you, I would concentrate on meeting people locally.

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Are you being upfront with the matchmakers that you specifically want children and that you have an age requirement? Why bother meeting women who don't even fit your basic criteria? No one can be successful in their endeavors without honesty. You are wasting your and their time by agreeing to meet them when they are consistently "too old" or consistently "don't think kids are important".

 

No matter where or who you date, when you are not truthful about your requirements you won't get anywhere. Are you sure you're not just saying "yes" to everything to please your parents, then coming up with a laundry list of faults from' too old' to 'doesn't speak English' to 'doesn't want kids' to 'doesn't have a profession'?

 

Think about all the set ups you've been through and all the pre-meet chitchat and yet after meeting, you keep pulling all number of perceived faults out of a hat. Why is that? How old are you and what age range are you looking for? Are you sure they are not rejecting you?

So we run into situation where a lot of chinese women too old. Or some that are compatible with me but 35 already which is too old to have children in terms of risks etc. I even had a woman going back to communicate with me 2 years later but shes too old.
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i am sorry i cant find anyone nearby. I tried but nothing really matches. Many matches say i am too old. So age is a conversation non-starter (38). Anyone

 

Like i mentioned age is a non-starter for some, religion is another, politics too.

 

So i should only seek someone nearby and never get married if i dont find someone here?

 

Your attitude towards dating is perfunctory. You are trying too hard for all the wrong reasons. When you find the right person for the right reasons, age won't be a problem. If women are saying you are too old then you are matching with/going after the wrong women.

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yes and no. Women at least i get introduced always look for someone better. So we run into situation where a lot of chinese women too old. Like there's an 82 yale phd and she looks for only phd and makes 150k+. Or some that are compatible with me but 35 already which is too old to have children in terms of risks etc. so a lot of things are being considered. I even had a woman going back to communicate with me 2 years later but shes too old. its really down to prioritizing things. Asian women values education, money, stability a lot more. Of course some ABCs are more influenced by american culture.

 

Physiologically speaking, 35+ is not too old to have a baby. In today’s modern world having babies at an older age is the norm and there is little to no risk of doing so.

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I even had a woman going back to communicate with me 2 years later but shes too old.

 

Wow!!

 

its really down to prioritizing things.

 

And I think your priorities are all wrong. It's natural to want to settle down and start a family but you can't make these things happen before you've met someone you know you want to spend the rest of your life with.

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Interestingly, when I was dating, some of the men also had the same complaints. Several of the men I met had some issues with the women they were meeting because of age, culture and education level. Age and education or career level was somewhat synonymous with economic status so while it wasn't overt or rudely out of place, the idea of dating within a similar range was present.

 

Lioil mentioned a word in his previous post #17: prioritizing. I think that's all it boils down to. It's a good idea to pick your two most important traits and go from there. It's what I meant by growing in my first post on page 1. Part about dating is not just finding out about others and meeting new people, it's about reacquainting with ourselves and finding out more about ourselves.

 

As we meet people along the way we learn to adjust and tweak our perceptions here and there. We may also make exceptions where we would not have otherwise and learn a whole lot about how to see things differently and appreciate life a lot more.

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