Should I give him a second chance or am I being a mug?

[MollyHendo91]

I split up with one of my ex-boyfriends 7 years ago. We had something special and I struggled to get over it for a couple of years. He’s tried to speak to me a handful of times over the last 7 years on social media. I’ve been fairly blunt with him giving one word answers. I’m very stubborn and although I still had feelings for him I always wanted to protect myself and didn’t want to get hurt again.

Anyway, my ex recently spoke to me in April and this time we began chatting. I was able to put my stubbornness aside on this occasion although I still had a barrier up. He had a girlfriend at the time so I refused to flirt back with him as this is not something I agree with. He asked if I would ever get back with him. I said I would have to see how it went first. He told me he was splitting up with his girlfriend as it hadn’t been working for months. Within a week, he was single and he began chatting. He was with that girlfriend for 4 years and they had a house together. He later told me he broke up with her for me.

He told me that he’s been constantly thinking about me for the last 7 years and he knew that I was the one. He told me he’s had dreams about me while being with other girls and that he’s never got on with someone as well as me. He basically poured his heart out to me and made me feel so special.

Anyway, I started seeing him. We went out on dates, had weekends away and he slept over at my place on numerous occasions. We were intimate with each other.

Although he had split up with his ex, he still had things in place which were ongoing. For example, the house was still in the air, she was driving his car about and he had stuff stored in her garage at the house. This all went on for four months. He paid all the bills for four months while living at his parents and he let her keep his car for 4 months until the mortgage was sorted and she could get a new one.

I told him that this was affecting us and that I was going to back off until the whole thing was sorted with his ex. I didn’t want to be serious and start a full on relationship until everything was sorted so we could move forward together and do things the proper way.

Anyway, in the meantime, he went to work away. I soon found out that he had created a tinder account and had been chatting to others. I also found out that he went on a date with at least one woman. They went out for food and kissed at the end of the night. They had also arranged a second date for the following week.

Since I have found out, my ex is adamant that it was a mistake and he only started going on dates because he was sad I cooled things off until things were sorted with his ex. It annoyed me how he was not willing to wait despite saying I mean everything to him. He is still adamant that I am everything he has ever wanted and wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

Should I give him a second chance or am I being a mug?

[maew]

OP you know the answer to this question. So many red flags in your post:

"He had a girlfriend at the time"
"He told me he was splitting up with his girlfriend"
"Although he had split up with his ex, he still had things in place which were ongoing."
"This all went on for four months."
"I soon found out that he had created a tinder account and had been chatting to others"
"I also found out that he went on a date with at least one woman. They went out for food and kissed at the end of the night. They had also arranged a second date for the following week."
"he only started going on dates because he was sad I cooled things off until things were sorted with his ex"

What a bunch of utter bull$hit. I would be far more than just annoyed by this behavior. You did the right thing by ending the relationship in the first place... and unless you actually like the idea of being a mug, then it's time to kick this dude to the curb.

[Hollyj]

Do you really need to ask! This guy is a cheating, lying creep, who you should have blocked 7 years ago.

Let me guess, you broke up with him seven years back, because he cheated on you?

[Wiseman2]

Block and delete him. He's handing you a pack of rubbish because he just got dumped and wants an easy roll in the hay. You should be in a happy healthy relationship by now. It's been Seven Years. If he were holding the torch for you all this time why was he 'thinking of you while with other girls"? Sounds like a run-of-the-mill jerk.

[bluecastle]

I can't disagree with maew's clinical breakdown of why this sounds like a pretty big mess.

My feeling about getting back together with an ex is that it should be like getting together with anyone: easy, joyous, free of drama. This sounds like opposite: difficult, corrosive, dramatic. Is this how things were when you were together way back when? Were these the dominant feelings that, in part, led to things falling apart 7 years ago? Or was he, as he still seems, too randy for one?

Even if he weren't your ex, with all those feelings and history, I'd say the foundation for this go at romance was pretty volatile from day one. Good stuff for a movie, harder stuff to live in reality. He was reaching out when he still had a girlfriend—not the coolest, not the best show of character, though neither, of course, is it so cool to engage with a man in a relationship. He breaks up, and goes from off with her and on with you in a few minutes—pretty standard rebound stuff, bound to cause some hiccups, particularly with them still owning a home together. That logistical stuff takes many months to unravel, so to get involved with someone during that time means you being up for having a front row seat to the unraveling. Doesn't sound like you were. Can't blame you, but the writing was sort of on the wall.

As for him being on Tinder? Well, single people are allowed to do that, and he is, best I can tell, technically single. Not gracefully single, but I don't think grace is his forte. I understand that it stings, but is it really so surprising? From what you've written here he sounds incapable of going very long without female attention or some kind of romantic juju, with his preference being to keep more than one pot simmering at a time. Not the cutest look, not the strongest glue for a relationship, but still his dominant operating mode.

In your shoes I'd accept that some residual feelings, some lust, and perhaps the pleasure of knowing you left some big mark on his heart got the best of you for a bit. Happens. It feels really good to feel like someone is obsessed with us, with the irony being that the obsessive types tend to be the ones immune to maturity; like drugs, they deliver a high, but the price of that high is a lot of lows. You took a hit from pipe, learned this. Why keep hitting it?

[ninjabib]

Yep agree with all the other posters. This is only going to end badly for you. End it before it ends you.

[HeartGoesOn]

He sounds like someone who could talk a dog off a meat wagon. On the other hand this is another example of history repeating itself, as in he cheated with you, he's now cheating on you.

It's time to take out the trash, and raise your standards.

[DancingFool]

He sounds like someone who could talk a dog off a meat wagon. On the other hand this is another example of history repeating itself, as in he cheated with you, he's now cheating on you.

It's time to take out the trash, and raise your standards.

"talk a dog off a meat wagon"....lol....I'm sooo going to borrow this.

OP, you are being conned....you've been conned already. Do yourself a huge favor and figure out how to block this creep's number along with e-mails, social media, etc, etc, etc. If you don't, he'll keep coming back to con you again and again and again. Quite frankly, that light contact you've maintained over the years was fodder for him and an indication that you can be conned. He wasn't wrong.....

A clear case of fool me once...fool me twice....how many more times do you want to be fooled?

[MollyHendo91]

Thanks for your messages. He is literally begging me to get back with him and make things work. He tells me he only got a tinder account and started dating other woman was because he was technically single and didn’t know were he stood with me after ‘cooling things off’ until his relationship was completely finished (i.e all financial ties cut). Surely if I was the one he would have waited and not messed things up? Do people agree?
I didn’t get with him while he was with his ex. He wanted to meet up but I refused and said I would only chat when he was single. I wouldn’t swoop as low.

[Rose Mosse]

Unfortunately the primary focus here is he was looking to end his existing relationship and everything else was collateral damage including you. I'm sorry for this.

He's not thinking of anything but himself at this time - how can he? There's just too much going on. Even if he wants to think of an ever after with someone or believes it's in the stars for himself, now isn't a good time. You did well to pull back and take a time out from all of it.

Do you mind me asking why you both broke up the first time?