Do again a traumatic sex act

Hello everyone,

Two years ago I wen through a traumatic relationship, he was my first man but he wanted only sex.

In particular, there was a sexual act which he did without asking and at that time I didn't mind (I know it sounds stupid but that's how it was) but now I see it as something that somehow dirt me, if it makes sense.

I feel like I should ask for my boyfriend to do that, that somehow I would feel better that the other wasn't the only one who has done that to me. And I know that my boyfriend would see like something that I want to try and I know that with him I don't have to do it again if I don't like it.

Should I forget all about it?

Thanks,

Mikaila

You should not be performing any sexual acts that you are not comfortable with. Period. If you don't want to do it again, don't. Forget all about it

So your previous boyfriend did something to you that has left a long-lasting traumatic effect on you and you are considering asking your current boyfriend to do the same thing? DON'T DO THAT. Instead book yourself in with a qualified therapist so you can talk through your feelings and prevent you being self-destructive.

So your previous boyfriend did something to you that has left a long-lasting traumatic effect on you and you are considering asking your current boyfriend to do the same thing? DON'T DO THAT. Instead book yourself in with a qualified therapist so you can talk through your feelings and prevent you being self-destructive.

Thanks. I went over the trauma, I feel more like I want to do it with a person I love so that memory could disappear completely. I suppose it is all nonsensical.

If this specific act traumatized you, I would think it is very risky to try it again with your current partner.

The probability is high that it would not result in you associating this act with loving and positive feelings, but associating your partner with with the trauma and all the negativity surrounding it.

I would instead explore other options that you are naturally curious about and would like to try, rather than forcing yourself to do something you already know makes you uncomfortable.

If this specific act traumatized you, I would think it is very risky to try it again with your current partner.

 

The probability is high that it would not result in you associating this act with loving and positive feelings, but associating your partner with with the trauma and all the negativity surrounding it.

 

I would instead explore other options that you are naturally curious about and would like to try, rather than forcing yourself to do something you already know makes you uncomfortable.

The thing is when I did it, it did not thraumatized me, I wasn't particularly keen on it but it was ok. It sounds crazy but it became something ugly only later when I realised that I was nothing for that guy. I want that "security" back, and I don't want anything I have done sexually to have it done lastly with him.

If it's "traumatic" don't do it. Unless you are somehow into "dirty" and "traumatic" for BDSM erotic purposes.

there was a sexual act which he did without asking and at that time I didn't mind (I know it sounds stupid but that's how it was) but now I see it as something that somehow dirt me, if it makes sense.

 

I feel like I should ask for my boyfriend to do that

A therapist will help you view this story in a different way. At the moment, you're giving the ex power in your life. Use a professional's skills to get rid of the dried up husk of emotional baggage that you allow to linger in your every day life.

Agree therapy could help you unpack and sort some of your sexual issues

At 31 I had my first kiss. at the fifth date (when I got scared of what he was doing and I told him I was a virgin)

Get some therapy fir the abusive relationship.

Thank you very much to everyone!

Agree with the others about talking this out with a professional rather than, well, "doing" it out with your boyfriend in the name of radical healing.

I'll put it in simpler terms to make a point—terms of "sex" rather than a specific sexual "act." Sex, even the most vanilla of sex, is often loaded. Sex with a partner can be wonderful, but when that partnership ends it is often, for a time, very hard to imagine having sex with someone else, or even ever again. This is human, a human story playing out across the globe at all times. Most of us, at various points, have been characters in this story. Breaking Up 101.

How to cope with it? Do we go onto Tinder or into a club, and find someone random to have sex with? Many do, I have. End result? You tend not to feel healed but to have compounded the hurt, the weirdness, taking the simple, human act of having sex and turning it into something that feels strange, deviant, even self-destructive. But, being sex, it is also likely in some way pleasurable, which makes it all the more confusing. An act that can and should only be a lovely way to connect becomes, instead, a way to disconnect—from yourself, from others.

Better way to cope? To process, feel, take a break, and have sex again (vanilla or other flavors) when you know you're ready. You know you're ready because your head doesn't flash a bunch of warning lights at you, allowing the body to just do its thing. Everyone gets to that space at a different pace, based on who they are, what they've been through. If we have the sense—as you seem to—that the head is still flashing warning lights when it should have stopped, or flashing warning lights that are preventing you from connecting as you'd like, then therapy is a great way to explore that wiring, untangle it a bit, so whatever choice we make (with our hearts, minds, and bodies) isn't a loaded referendum on the past but simply something we are doing, for simple reasons, in the present.

Oh ok now I see what you are saying....it not the sex act itself, it's the fact that later you felt used and violated because he didn't care about you. You did it with him, thinking since he was your first everything, that you trusted him, that it would be something special between you.....it got tainted when you found out he did it for himself not treating it as a shared intimate moment. Fair enough. So you are questioning your new BF's motives? is it making you feel uneasy because you think it will happen again..that you will be used? is that what's going through your head?

Your ex boyfriend treated you badly and made you feel used. This is something you are going to have to accept and heal from.

The sex axt didn't make you feel bad at the time because you thought he cared about you, but it makes you feel bad now that you know he didn't care.

The sex act isn't going to become better because you now do it with your current boyfriend. It won't fix your past hurt.

It's better to not do the sex act again and to find a way through to pain your ex caused you, either by therapy or accepting what happened and letting it go.

You don't need to ever think about this sex act again. It's part of your past, it was with someone who was a mistake, move forward.

I don't think she's questioning her new bf's motives. I read that she's trying to re-record over the negative associations and replace it with positive ones in a stable and healthy relationship. I don't think there's anything wrong with this. I also don't think there's anything wrong with therapy because it's the aftermath of the act that seems more bothersome, rather than what happened (which you said in post #1 you didn't mind). It's the aftermath and the association of feeling "dirty" that bothered you.

My question is: if you feel healthy, happy and stable in your current relationship, why not just go ahead and explore the idea with your current bf? It's between the both of you. I think you fear being judged for it or appearing "dirty" or feeling "dirty" again. Therapy or speaking with someone about your views about purity or what constitutes the polar opposite of "dirty" might also unpack some of your ideas about right and wrong. I also don't see why you shouldn't be having these conversations with your boyfriend. Grow your relationship and deepen your bond.

When you learn to place (or displace) certain ideas or pre-existing notions, you will also grow to have room for new ideas. Be open to exploring more and like the others have cautioned, don't do anything you are not comfortable with (be more in touch with your feelings and don't be afraid).

I read that she's trying to re-record over the negative associations and replace it with positive ones in a stable and healthy relationship. I don't think there's anything wrong with this.

Possibly. However, it could retraumatize her all over again and cause her to now feel trauma between her and her current boyfriend.

It's a risk and it might not turn out good.

Hey I'm just waiting for her to respond....sometimes more of what they are actually feeling may come out...just fishing with a different theory.

So true, Smackie. Maybe we just worded it differently as I had a question about the relationship too (why won't she go ahead and do it anyway or what's holding her back).

And I agree with you, Sherry, and I think it depends on their bond (her and her partner) and how much they're willing to strengthen that over time. What type of person she is, what kind of person he is. There are different approaches. I'm not against therapy either if that's what she feels is best. In my mind, I see it as a conversation between two people first and foremost, not necessarily an issue to be discussed in private with a third party without her boyfriend knowing at the very least. That's just my personal take on the matter.

I don't think she's questioning her new bf's motives. I read that she's trying to re-record over the negative associations and replace it with positive ones in a stable and healthy relationship. I don't think there's anything wrong with this. I also don't think there's anything wrong with therapy because it's the aftermath of the act that seems more bothersome, rather than what happened (which you said in post #1 you didn't mind). It's the aftermath and the association of feeling "dirty" that bothered you.

 

My question is: if you feel healthy, happy and stable in your current relationship, why not just go ahead and explore the idea with your current bf? It's between the both of you. I think you fear being judged for it or appearing "dirty" or feeling "dirty" again. Therapy or speaking with someone about your views about purity or what constitutes the polar opposite of "dirty" might also unpack some of your ideas about right and wrong. I also don't see why you shouldn't be having these conversations with your boyfriend. Grow your relationship and deepen your bond.

 

When you learn to place (or displace) certain ideas or pre-existing notions, you will also grow to have room for new ideas. Be open to exploring more and like the others have cautioned, don't do anything you are not comfortable with (be more in touch with your feelings and don't be afraid).

Thank you Rose, this is exactly what it goes through my mind. That is what I am trying to do.

Yes, I am sure that I could explore it with my boyfriend like I have explored other things I have never done with that guy. Actually, sexually speaking I have done more with my boyfriend than with that guy.

What that guy did to me, is something that I did not really like but at the time it was ok, nothing tragic or ugly but ok. Later it became another proof on how he was not considering me his girlfriend but someone he could treat as he wished. With his girlfriend I am sure he would not do something like that.

Nothing tragic, just something that was like marking me, even if I could remove it with taking a shower. (no need to wash my head though)

If it's not an act you would wish for your boyfriend to do to you, don't do it.

It is not the act that bothers you - it is how your ex doing that act was using it that bothers you. Your bf or recreating the act again is beside the point. Your boyfriend cares about you - why would you ask him to do something to you that you don't really like? If he cares about you and knows that you don't really like it - he wont want to do it to you anyway. And if him doing it to you hurts you instead of helps you, you are making him in a way culpable for hurting you. Do you care about him so little to willingly put him in that position?

Finally, no you aren't dirty because of whatever your ex did to you. You didn't want him to do it. Dirty acts make the perpetrators dirty. Not the victims. Yes you should seek professional help if you are still thinking about how horrible your ex is, and if that relationship is going to have an effect on your current one. There are probably other things besides this sex act that either have or will come up as you explore another relationship with someone. Relationships are a minefield of triggers to past hurt. You need tools to know when you have just stepped on a mine, or learn to see them before you step on them.

Thank you Rose, this is exactly what it goes through my mind. That is what I am trying to do.

 

Yes, I am sure that I could explore it with my boyfriend like I have explored other things I have never done with that guy. Actually, sexually speaking I have done more with my boyfriend than with that guy.

 

What that guy did to me, is something that I did not really like but at the time it was ok, nothing tragic or ugly but ok. Later it became another proof on how he was not considering me his girlfriend but someone he could treat as he wished. With his girlfriend I am sure he would not do something like that.

 

Nothing tragic, just something that was like marking me, even if I could remove it with taking a shower. (no need to wash my head though)

It seems more like you're working through inconsistencies in your past relationship. I'd be cautious about doing too much of that while dating a new person and your partner now is different from your ex. Transposing your insecurities from the past isn't healthy but it is worth noting in passing and acknowledging. It's good to explore and remain openminded. The important part is that you continue growing and being open to grow whether with your current partner or on your own or with a therapist.

You mentioned the experience as a "marking" of sorts. I'm curious if you feel like this marking has lasting effects in the way your boyfriend now views you. Do you think he thinks anything less of you or would think any less of you for your experiences?

It seems more like you're working through inconsistencies in your past relationship. I'd be cautious about doing too much of that while dating a new person and your partner now is different from your ex. Transposing your insecurities from the past isn't healthy but it is worth noting in passing and acknowledging. It's good to explore and remain openminded. The important part is that you continue growing and being open to grow whether with your current partner or on your own or with a therapist.

 

You mentioned the experience as a "marking" of sorts. I'm curious if you feel like this marking has lasting effects in the way your boyfriend now views you. Do you think he thinks anything less of you or would think any less of you for your experiences?

You nailed it again Rose, last year I went through a lot of pain for this. I felt so ashamed and I hated myself and I felt that my boyfriend deserved someone better. And in a way less of a good person for this reason. Last year I was continuosly on the edge about this. This year has been way better, I have learned to love myself and my boyfriend and rediscovered again the joy of loving someone and loving to have sex with them and feeling free and accepted. All things that I felt before but that hurt me when I realised that the other person did not see it in the same way and that actually I am somehow less because, in his eyes, I have accepted to go with a guy who did not love me.

Maybe the others are correct and I should let everything go, it is just bothers me now. I felt good two years ago to finally have sex and explore that side of me. I did not realise that in his eyes I was easy and stupid.

And I hate that to his current girlfriend he has given all the respect because she was what he wanted and had principles and took time in knowing him (but how can I know you if you do not open up with me, and lie to me and fake your interest?). It is all nonesense I know. It was like he wanted me to test him, and develop a bond more forcefully but he did not like me at all.

Mikaila, glad to help. I'm not sure why you are so worried about what your ex thinks of you. Are you still communicating with your ex or is he on your social media pages? If he is I'd strongly encourage you to consider letting go of this person (do not contact/do not creep on any social media). From your resentment and your described feeling of "less", these are some deeper issues that you should learn to work through. I don't think seeing a therapist is a bad idea. I think bringing this into your new relationship and being preoccupied or appearing to be too worried about what your ex still thinks of you is not going to help you build a future. You're living too much in your past.

Try and figure out why you're still living up to your ex's standards and why he matters so much to you still. It's not fair to be part of a new relationship and still hang on to misgivings of the past. Try making peace with this. I'd strongly urge you to make peace with any ill-feeling and misgivings, misunderstandings or lack of respect you've felt from your ex. I have a strong feeling you're not paying enough attention to your current relationship. Unpack if you need to unpack in the safety of some writing, exploring your thoughts and feelings on a forum or speaking with a professional (therapist, counsellor, psychologist). Your current relationship deserves all the love and care that you can give to it right now. If you don't feel ready enough to support a relationship at this time, that is ok too. Just be honest with your boyfriend and be clear where you're coming from.

You mentioned feeling better this year than last year. Continue working on yourself, no matter what that means (relationship or no). I think you owe it to yourself to heal and move forwards. Try not to drown in the past.

OP, I get your logic in that you if you do this act with someone you feel cares about you, then maybe you'll associate the act with something positive instead of something negative.

Problem is that trauma and emotions don't actually work in this kind of a logical manner. More likely than not, in these kinds of cases, the trauma comes flooding back even worse and you end up associating the current bf as the negative perpetrator even though logically you know it isn't true. Again, logic and emotions don't always go hand in hand. So you would be risking this relationship quite a bit if you try this.

When it comes to sex, there is no act that is necessary for you to do in order to have a happy and satisfying sex life with your partner. If you don't enjoy something, that's reason enough for you not to do it. You mentioned already that you didn't enjoy the act at large. So that's that really. There is literally no reason for you to attempt it again. A huge part of personal growth and emotional strength is learning how to say no to thing and also, learning that NO is a good powerful complete word that gives you control over your life.

As for your ex, I can guarantee you that a guy like that doesn't see any woman as anything more than an object. His current gf is more victim than gf regardless of what you see on social media or hear through the grapevine. Their "happy" is called image management. He hasn't changed from the callous user he was with you. People do not change. You dated a bad guy....but now it's time to put that behind you. A better idea would be for you to focus on how to identify these types of people out there so you can avoid them in the future, because there are a lot of them out there.

Finally, it really sounds like your self esteem is in the tank and you that you really really need to work on that along with self confidence. So I'm just going to echo the other posters here that you'd really do well with finding a good counselor to help you along with that. Sometimes, everyone needs some coaching.

OP, I get your logic in that you if you do this act with someone you feel cares about you, then maybe you'll associate the act with something positive instead of something negative.

 

Problem is that trauma and emotions don't actually work in this kind of a logical manner. More likely than not, in these kinds of cases, the trauma comes flooding back even worse and you end up associating the current bf as the negative perpetrator even though logically you know it isn't true. Again, logic and emotions don't always go hand in hand. So you would be risking this relationship quite a bit if you try this.

 

When it comes to sex, there is no act that is necessary for you to do in order to have a happy and satisfying sex life with your partner. If you don't enjoy something, that's reason enough for you not to do it. You mentioned already that you didn't enjoy the act at large. So that's that really. There is literally no reason for you to attempt it again. A huge part of personal growth and emotional strength is learning how to say no to thing and also, learning that NO is a good powerful complete word that gives you control over your life.

 

As for your ex, I can guarantee you that a guy like that doesn't see any woman as anything more than an object. His current gf is more victim than gf regardless of what you see on social media or hear through the grapevine. Their "happy" is called image management. He hasn't changed from the callous user he was with you. People do not change. You dated a bad guy....but now it's time to put that behind you. A better idea would be for you to focus on how to identify these types of people out there so you can avoid them in the future, because there are a lot of them out there.

 

Finally, it really sounds like your self esteem is in the tank and you that you really really need to work on that along with self confidence. So I'm just going to echo the other posters here that you'd really do well with finding a good counselor to help you along with that. Sometimes, everyone needs some coaching.

Thank you all very much. It may not seem from how I write but I am actually much better than last year, when my self-esteem was incredibly low. You are right, this is not something that should bother me. I hadn't needed therapy for a long while now. I just wanted to explore this idea, but no, it would be crazy to do something that I don't want to. It would not work, and it could not change the past in any way.

Yes, there are many of them and I can recognise them now. They scare me but I can see them. Thank you to all you guys for your support.