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Thread: Do again a traumatic sex act

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Mikaila
    Thank you Rose, this is exactly what it goes through my mind. That is what I am trying to do.

    Yes, I am sure that I could explore it with my boyfriend like I have explored other things I have never done with that guy. Actually, sexually speaking I have done more with my boyfriend than with that guy.

    What that guy did to me, is something that I did not really like but at the time it was ok, nothing tragic or ugly but ok. Later it became another proof on how he was not considering me his girlfriend but someone he could treat as he wished. With his girlfriend I am sure he would not do something like that.

    Nothing tragic, just something that was like marking me, even if I could remove it with taking a shower. (no need to wash my head though)
    It seems more like you're working through inconsistencies in your past relationship. I'd be cautious about doing too much of that while dating a new person and your partner now is different from your ex. Transposing your insecurities from the past isn't healthy but it is worth noting in passing and acknowledging. It's good to explore and remain openminded. The important part is that you continue growing and being open to grow whether with your current partner or on your own or with a therapist.

    You mentioned the experience as a "marking" of sorts. I'm curious if you feel like this marking has lasting effects in the way your boyfriend now views you. Do you think he thinks anything less of you or would think any less of you for your experiences?

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    It seems more like you're working through inconsistencies in your past relationship. I'd be cautious about doing too much of that while dating a new person and your partner now is different from your ex. Transposing your insecurities from the past isn't healthy but it is worth noting in passing and acknowledging. It's good to explore and remain openminded. The important part is that you continue growing and being open to grow whether with your current partner or on your own or with a therapist.

    You mentioned the experience as a "marking" of sorts. I'm curious if you feel like this marking has lasting effects in the way your boyfriend now views you. Do you think he thinks anything less of you or would think any less of you for your experiences?
    You nailed it again Rose, last year I went through a lot of pain for this. I felt so ashamed and I hated myself and I felt that my boyfriend deserved someone better. And in a way less of a good person for this reason. Last year I was continuosly on the edge about this. This year has been way better, I have learned to love myself and my boyfriend and rediscovered again the joy of loving someone and loving to have sex with them and feeling free and accepted. All things that I felt before but that hurt me when I realised that the other person did not see it in the same way and that actually I am somehow less because, in his eyes, I have accepted to go with a guy who did not love me.

    Maybe the others are correct and I should let everything go, it is just bothers me now. I felt good two years ago to finally have sex and explore that side of me. I did not realise that in his eyes I was easy and stupid.

    And I hate that to his current girlfriend he has given all the respect because she was what he wanted and had principles and took time in knowing him (but how can I know you if you do not open up with me, and lie to me and fake your interest?). It is all nonesense I know. It was like he wanted me to test him, and develop a bond more forcefully but he did not like me at all.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Mikaila, glad to help. I'm not sure why you are so worried about what your ex thinks of you. Are you still communicating with your ex or is he on your social media pages? If he is I'd strongly encourage you to consider letting go of this person (do not contact/do not creep on any social media). From your resentment and your described feeling of "less", these are some deeper issues that you should learn to work through. I don't think seeing a therapist is a bad idea. I think bringing this into your new relationship and being preoccupied or appearing to be too worried about what your ex still thinks of you is not going to help you build a future. You're living too much in your past.

    Try and figure out why you're still living up to your ex's standards and why he matters so much to you still. It's not fair to be part of a new relationship and still hang on to misgivings of the past. Try making peace with this. I'd strongly urge you to make peace with any ill-feeling and misgivings, misunderstandings or lack of respect you've felt from your ex. I have a strong feeling you're not paying enough attention to your current relationship. Unpack if you need to unpack in the safety of some writing, exploring your thoughts and feelings on a forum or speaking with a professional (therapist, counsellor, psychologist). Your current relationship deserves all the love and care that you can give to it right now. If you don't feel ready enough to support a relationship at this time, that is ok too. Just be honest with your boyfriend and be clear where you're coming from.

    You mentioned feeling better this year than last year. Continue working on yourself, no matter what that means (relationship or no). I think you owe it to yourself to heal and move forwards. Try not to drown in the past.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    OP, I get your logic in that you if you do this act with someone you feel cares about you, then maybe you'll associate the act with something positive instead of something negative.

    Problem is that trauma and emotions don't actually work in this kind of a logical manner. More likely than not, in these kinds of cases, the trauma comes flooding back even worse and you end up associating the current bf as the negative perpetrator even though logically you know it isn't true. Again, logic and emotions don't always go hand in hand. So you would be risking this relationship quite a bit if you try this.

    When it comes to sex, there is no act that is necessary for you to do in order to have a happy and satisfying sex life with your partner. If you don't enjoy something, that's reason enough for you not to do it. You mentioned already that you didn't enjoy the act at large. So that's that really. There is literally no reason for you to attempt it again. A huge part of personal growth and emotional strength is learning how to say no to thing and also, learning that NO is a good powerful complete word that gives you control over your life.

    As for your ex, I can guarantee you that a guy like that doesn't see any woman as anything more than an object. His current gf is more victim than gf regardless of what you see on social media or hear through the grapevine. Their "happy" is called image management. He hasn't changed from the callous user he was with you. People do not change. You dated a bad guy....but now it's time to put that behind you. A better idea would be for you to focus on how to identify these types of people out there so you can avoid them in the future, because there are a lot of them out there.

    Finally, it really sounds like your self esteem is in the tank and you that you really really need to work on that along with self confidence. So I'm just going to echo the other posters here that you'd really do well with finding a good counselor to help you along with that. Sometimes, everyone needs some coaching.

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    OP, I get your logic in that you if you do this act with someone you feel cares about you, then maybe you'll associate the act with something positive instead of something negative.

    Problem is that trauma and emotions don't actually work in this kind of a logical manner. More likely than not, in these kinds of cases, the trauma comes flooding back even worse and you end up associating the current bf as the negative perpetrator even though logically you know it isn't true. Again, logic and emotions don't always go hand in hand. So you would be risking this relationship quite a bit if you try this.

    When it comes to sex, there is no act that is necessary for you to do in order to have a happy and satisfying sex life with your partner. If you don't enjoy something, that's reason enough for you not to do it. You mentioned already that you didn't enjoy the act at large. So that's that really. There is literally no reason for you to attempt it again. A huge part of personal growth and emotional strength is learning how to say no to thing and also, learning that NO is a good powerful complete word that gives you control over your life.

    As for your ex, I can guarantee you that a guy like that doesn't see any woman as anything more than an object. His current gf is more victim than gf regardless of what you see on social media or hear through the grapevine. Their "happy" is called image management. He hasn't changed from the callous user he was with you. People do not change. You dated a bad guy....but now it's time to put that behind you. A better idea would be for you to focus on how to identify these types of people out there so you can avoid them in the future, because there are a lot of them out there.

    Finally, it really sounds like your self esteem is in the tank and you that you really really need to work on that along with self confidence. So I'm just going to echo the other posters here that you'd really do well with finding a good counselor to help you along with that. Sometimes, everyone needs some coaching.
    Thank you all very much. It may not seem from how I write but I am actually much better than last year, when my self-esteem was incredibly low. You are right, this is not something that should bother me. I hadn't needed therapy for a long while now. I just wanted to explore this idea, but no, it would be crazy to do something that I don't want to. It would not work, and it could not change the past in any way.

    Yes, there are many of them and I can recognise them now. They scare me but I can see them. Thank you to all you guys for your support.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Mikaila
    Thank you all very much. It may not seem from how I write but I am actually much better than last year, when my self-esteem was incredibly low. You are right, this is not something that should bother me. I hadn't needed therapy for a long while now. I just wanted to explore this idea, but no, it would be crazy to do something that I don't want to. It would not work, and it could not change the past in any way.

    Yes, there are many of them and I can recognise them now. They scare me but I can see them. Thank you to all you guys for your support.
    Yes this ^ you cannot change the past, but you can let it go. You don't enjoy something, so you don't. It's fine. If you take the past out of it and just go "well I don't like it" then it kind of becomes more clear doesn't it? Don't like it, don't do it. That's all. Simple. You tried back then, now you know. It's like ice cream - you try a flavor, you don't like it, you aren't going to buy a pint of it and make yourself eat it. Personally, I find it that it helps to break things down like that to their simple core - brings in clarity. Maybe it will help you too.

    Other than that, do whatever it takes to stop hearing about your ex and his latest victim. Take the lessons that are useful for you and leave the rest behind.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Wait until you have an established mature exclusive relationship that is emotionally satisfying before you experiment sexually. Protecting your heart and mind is more important than trying out various sex acts.

    Even though you're a late bloomer, it doesn't mean you have to catch up and try to be a vamp to impress guys. Be yourself and keep in mind your sexual history is your business so don't discuss it. If you have self respect or self esteem issues sort that out with some short term therapy.

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