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Thread: Do again a traumatic sex act

  1. #11
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    Thank you very much to everyone!

  2. #12
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Agree with the others about talking this out with a professional rather than, well, "doing" it out with your boyfriend in the name of radical healing.

    I'll put it in simpler terms to make a point—terms of "sex" rather than a specific sexual "act." Sex, even the most vanilla of sex, is often loaded. Sex with a partner can be wonderful, but when that partnership ends it is often, for a time, very hard to imagine having sex with someone else, or even ever again. This is human, a human story playing out across the globe at all times. Most of us, at various points, have been characters in this story. Breaking Up 101.

    How to cope with it? Do we go onto Tinder or into a club, and find someone random to have sex with? Many do, I have. End result? You tend not to feel healed but to have compounded the hurt, the weirdness, taking the simple, human act of having sex and turning it into something that feels strange, deviant, even self-destructive. But, being sex, it is also likely in some way pleasurable, which makes it all the more confusing. An act that can and should only be a lovely way to connect becomes, instead, a way to disconnect—from yourself, from others.

    Better way to cope? To process, feel, take a break, and have sex again (vanilla or other flavors) when you know you're ready. You know you're ready because your head doesn't flash a bunch of warning lights at you, allowing the body to just do its thing. Everyone gets to that space at a different pace, based on who they are, what they've been through. If we have the sense—as you seem to—that the head is still flashing warning lights when it should have stopped, or flashing warning lights that are preventing you from connecting as you'd like, then therapy is a great way to explore that wiring, untangle it a bit, so whatever choice we make (with our hearts, minds, and bodies) isn't a loaded referendum on the past but simply something we are doing, for simple reasons, in the present.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Oh ok now I see what you are saying....it not the sex act itself, it's the fact that later you felt used and violated because he didn't care about you. You did it with him, thinking since he was your first everything, that you trusted him, that it would be something special between you.....it got tainted when you found out he did it for himself not treating it as a shared intimate moment. Fair enough. So you are questioning your new BF's motives? is it making you feel uneasy because you think it will happen again..that you will be used? is that what's going through your head?

  4. #14
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Your ex boyfriend treated you badly and made you feel used. This is something you are going to have to accept and heal from.
    The sex axt didn't make you feel bad at the time because you thought he cared about you, but it makes you feel bad now that you know he didn't care.

    The sex act isn't going to become better because you now do it with your current boyfriend. It won't fix your past hurt.
    It's better to not do the sex act again and to find a way through to pain your ex caused you, either by therapy or accepting what happened and letting it go.

    You don't need to ever think about this sex act again. It's part of your past, it was with someone who was a mistake, move forward.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I don't think she's questioning her new bf's motives. I read that she's trying to re-record over the negative associations and replace it with positive ones in a stable and healthy relationship. I don't think there's anything wrong with this. I also don't think there's anything wrong with therapy because it's the aftermath of the act that seems more bothersome, rather than what happened (which you said in post #1 you didn't mind). It's the aftermath and the association of feeling "dirty" that bothered you.

    My question is: if you feel healthy, happy and stable in your current relationship, why not just go ahead and explore the idea with your current bf? It's between the both of you. I think you fear being judged for it or appearing "dirty" or feeling "dirty" again. Therapy or speaking with someone about your views about purity or what constitutes the polar opposite of "dirty" might also unpack some of your ideas about right and wrong. I also don't see why you shouldn't be having these conversations with your boyfriend. Grow your relationship and deepen your bond.

    When you learn to place (or displace) certain ideas or pre-existing notions, you will also grow to have room for new ideas. Be open to exploring more and like the others have cautioned, don't do anything you are not comfortable with (be more in touch with your feelings and don't be afraid).

  7. #16
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I read that she's trying to re-record over the negative associations and replace it with positive ones in a stable and healthy relationship. I don't think there's anything wrong with this.
    Possibly. However, it could retraumatize her all over again and cause her to now feel trauma between her and her current boyfriend.

    It's a risk and it might not turn out good.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Hey I'm just waiting for her to respond....sometimes more of what they are actually feeling may come out...just fishing with a different theory.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    So true, Smackie. Maybe we just worded it differently as I had a question about the relationship too (why won't she go ahead and do it anyway or what's holding her back).

    And I agree with you, Sherry, and I think it depends on their bond (her and her partner) and how much they're willing to strengthen that over time. What type of person she is, what kind of person he is. There are different approaches. I'm not against therapy either if that's what she feels is best. In my mind, I see it as a conversation between two people first and foremost, not necessarily an issue to be discussed in private with a third party without her boyfriend knowing at the very least. That's just my personal take on the matter.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I don't think she's questioning her new bf's motives. I read that she's trying to re-record over the negative associations and replace it with positive ones in a stable and healthy relationship. I don't think there's anything wrong with this. I also don't think there's anything wrong with therapy because it's the aftermath of the act that seems more bothersome, rather than what happened (which you said in post #1 you didn't mind). It's the aftermath and the association of feeling "dirty" that bothered you.

    My question is: if you feel healthy, happy and stable in your current relationship, why not just go ahead and explore the idea with your current bf? It's between the both of you. I think you fear being judged for it or appearing "dirty" or feeling "dirty" again. Therapy or speaking with someone about your views about purity or what constitutes the polar opposite of "dirty" might also unpack some of your ideas about right and wrong. I also don't see why you shouldn't be having these conversations with your boyfriend. Grow your relationship and deepen your bond.

    When you learn to place (or displace) certain ideas or pre-existing notions, you will also grow to have room for new ideas. Be open to exploring more and like the others have cautioned, don't do anything you are not comfortable with (be more in touch with your feelings and don't be afraid).

    Thank you Rose, this is exactly what it goes through my mind. That is what I am trying to do.

    Yes, I am sure that I could explore it with my boyfriend like I have explored other things I have never done with that guy. Actually, sexually speaking I have done more with my boyfriend than with that guy.

    What that guy did to me, is something that I did not really like but at the time it was ok, nothing tragic or ugly but ok. Later it became another proof on how he was not considering me his girlfriend but someone he could treat as he wished. With his girlfriend I am sure he would not do something like that.

    Nothing tragic, just something that was like marking me, even if I could remove it with taking a shower. (no need to wash my head though)

  11. #20
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    If it's not an act you would wish for your boyfriend to do to you, don't do it.

    It is not the act that bothers you - it is how your ex doing that act was using it that bothers you. Your bf or recreating the act again is beside the point. Your boyfriend cares about you - why would you ask him to do something to you that you don't really like? If he cares about you and knows that you don't really like it - he wont want to do it to you anyway. And if him doing it to you hurts you instead of helps you, you are making him in a way culpable for hurting you. Do you care about him so little to willingly put him in that position?

    Finally, no you aren't dirty because of whatever your ex did to you. You didn't want him to do it. Dirty acts make the perpetrators dirty. Not the victims. Yes you should seek professional help if you are still thinking about how horrible your ex is, and if that relationship is going to have an effect on your current one. There are probably other things besides this sex act that either have or will come up as you explore another relationship with someone. Relationships are a minefield of triggers to past hurt. You need tools to know when you have just stepped on a mine, or learn to see them before you step on them.

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