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Thread: My ex has a new boyfriend and I want her back

  1. #11
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    There's no anger rising on this end, rest assured. You're free to think, feel, disagree, and ultimately do whatever you'd like. I'm not here to win any debates, just to offer the best advice I have to offer.

    I understand the place you're in, in ways. Have dipped toes into these waters, as have most. I was never so "passionately" into my ex-gf, for instance, until she pulled away from me after years of being so very smitten while I myself was pretty distant. That passion was my unhealthy juju taking the wheel, an offshoot of the same unhealthy juju that allowed me to think it was okay to meet smitten with distance, to build a relationship on that wobbly foundation. I did end things after some months of turbulence—my healthy juju grabbing the wheel. Oh, but when I found out shortly after that she'd been cheating on me during those distant months? Yeah, that "passion" was back, more radiant than ever, at which point I was "certain," as you are certain, that between us were all the ingredients for the wildest, deepest of connections and most loving of relationships, once the nuclear fall out receded. The unhealthy juju grabbing the wheel again, and flooring the gas.

    I am also very happy that I was able to observe those feelings without reacting to them or reaching out to her to "solve" the puzzle, and to listen to people, including people on this site, who helped me stay in observational mode, in healthy mode, rather than in engagement/unhealthy mode. Had I not? Maybe I'd be in a strange thing with her still, and a shadow of myself as a result, my heart experiencing a mere flicker of its "all." Or maybe I'd still be fetishizing and engaging with the strange, turbulent romance I slipped into for two months a year ago, instead of slipping out of it quick, the moment the strangeness revealed itself as the dominant glue. But no. I'd learned a thing or two about myself, had learned to stand down to my unhealthy juju. Strangeness lost its magnetism, its seductive heat.

    So do know that what I'm saying to you are things I've had to say to myself, and things I'm grateful of others for saying even when I wasn't quite ready to absorb them.

    What I'll add is that so long as you take comfort in the idea that what you're doing right now—with her, even expressing all this to us—is "all heart" and "following your heart" you're at the risk of enabling your own emotional instability rather than evolving into a more stable place. You're in for more turmoil, because you are conditioning yourself—are already conditioned, I think—to equate turmoil with love instead of what it is: an inhibitor to love, to the capabilities of human hearts, including your own.

    Because that "all heart" stuff? I know it feels good to say, and a good thing to see reflected back at yourself when you look in the mirror. But it's just a dangerously romantic way of describing something that is "all head." It's storytelling to make up for where the actual story falls short. Remove the story, after all, and what do you have? You're got a mess that just keeps getting messier that more you try to clean it up. You've got a heart inside your chest that is choking on ashes while your head works overtime to call choking breathing.

    When you're in a healthy relationship, a relationship built from healthy ingredients, it doesn't exist in your imagination. You don't need to take comfort in a story about being "certain" that "if the timing were right," plus all the "strong feelings," you could be in an "incredible relationship." You don't need to imagine "stripping away" the past and starting over, which is impossible and itself magical thinking, because the present is enough, nor do you need to take refuge in the "potential" because what is actual is simply satisfying and rich.

    You don't need all that because you're just in it, you see? It is all heart, two full hearts having a blast, feeding off the health of the other, not a story of hearts and their capabilities being written by super-fried brains and buoyed on orgasms given and received in the shade.

    When you genuinely want that, when you're genuinely ready for it and believing yourself worthy of it, something like what you're in right now won't be so potent. In fact, everything that is making it potent to you at the moment will be thing that make it less potent. It will be but a thin taste of the real thing—a humbling bummer to have to recognize it as that, but also not a bummer because it has whet your appetite for something deeper, realer.

    All that is not to negate that you two share some kind of powerful connection and chemistry, or to say that it is "all" toxic and therefore meaningless; it's just also not negating where that connection has been built: in the shade, from a lot of toxins, and as such it's a detour from healthy, not a pathway toward it.

    Think of it like drugs. I can gobble a bunch of mushrooms right now, go for a hike, and have a freakishly profound afternoon: wild thoughts and feelings, crazy colors, the landscape striking my eyes with interstellar beauty. That would all be real, in a sense. It would also be chemically induced. A fun, even meaningful and life-altering, experience. But still: very much just the experience of taking drugs and going for a walk. Were I to decide to make that experience my reality, my truth? Well, I'd be someone always on drugs, someone who needed to regularly ingest poison, or toxins, to feel complete, to find meaning, to "love" myself and what surrounds me.

    You're high right now, I think, higher than you know or are willing to admit. The troubling part—but also not uncommon, and plenty human—is that you are reluctant to entertain that notion. Admitting it is humbling, and can be momentarily humiliating. But it is ultimately so freeing, and a free heart is a full one.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Not good. That hope is your ticket to a downward spiral. Best be realistic with yourself, have a nice pep talk in the car or in the shower or wherever is most comfortable for you and let her go. No contact is not a card to play. It's simply moving on and acknowledging that this is probably the poorest rendition of love or a relationship you'll ever get.

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