My exes are coming back except the guy I want to call

In the past year since I left my ex fiancé, I have had 5 exes reach out to me. I am actually going to have drinks with the one before my ex fiancé. I am seeing it as catching up and a distraction. I have other dates lined up this week and next. It's feast or famine in dating.

Regardless of all of these distractions, I can't help but recognize that I'm still attached to the guy that I dated last. I don't know if it's limerence or if he simply is just a better person than all of my exes. I wish he had made it easier for me to move on. Instead he pulled a d*** move by being unselfish. I'm still hooked. :/

I guess moving forward is just one foot in front of the other.

Just remember to do so at your own risk without any grandiose expectations. Your exes are exes for a reason so keep that in mind.

Moving forward to to start fresh with a clean slate; NOT with exes and now you're going backwards. Whatever floats your boat, Belle.

This is probably why you're circling back to exes:

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=561392

Remember why you broke up in the first place, see if any changes have been made (on both sides). Although you're making it sound like you just want something to do, a distraction of sorts.

Thanks Cherylyn but I'm not a black and white thinker. I don't see anything wrong with being friends with exes. In terms of rekindling, he's Bob Hope's cousin. No Hope.

Gosh there just so much going on here not sure where to start, the looking at rebounding as a viable and healthy option or the total hypocrisy...

Are there other women out there in their 40's that have noticed a lack of emotionally available and healthy single/divorced men? I am dating again, but I've never seen so many men with baggage and issues in my life. Or maybe it's an online thing?

It’s almost like you were projecting your issues onto them...it’s interesting to see... our minds they can play tricks on us.

What are your thoughts?

In terms of rekindling, he's Bob Hope's cousin. No Hope.

This made me laugh. There's a small town not far from Vancouver called Hope. Your comment reminded me of one weekend trip with a girlfriend when we were single, we booked a hotel and laughed into the night talking about the irony of everything and I remember one moment one of us remembered the name of the town we were in and falling to fits of laughter. I'm a big fan of exploring different towns and finding hidden gems in the surrounding areas. They sure had great coffee too.

Regarding exes and patterns... well, I think we're all on a sometimes topsy turvy journey and we have a vague idea of how things should go until they really go and then we aren't sure again where or what we're doing. And those short bursts of chaos are ok. I can't speak for anyone else but I stumbled along the path of this and that, not sure of up or down and must have appeared a lot like Chicken Licken along the way, wondering if the sky was falling. I'm still very sure I look like Chicken Licken some days.

Exes were a neutral topic for me previously, before being married. I was ambivalent about the topic and even if there was an ex I would have liked to keep in touch with, that person wasn't available or single and someone wouldn't have been happy about keeping in touch. There was one in particular whom I wondered about more than the others and he ended up reaching out to me anyway and we caught up over dinner and continued a great friendship for awhile before I explained myself out again. That was the only time I met up with an ex in person and we were both single. This was a relationship that I ended abruptly due to circumstances at the time but my affection and fondness for the growth and development of this person runs very deep (or at least the memory of it). I have not spoken to this person in years and never during my marriage because I have no interest in doing so. I don't think about this person regularly if at all and am fairly certain he's moved on in a way that we talked about plenty, in ways that we've encouraged each other to do at the end of the relationship and in the friendship after the relationship ended. I'd hope he has anyway. In other words, we've said our goodbyes but the memory still exists. He lives in a different time and I have no desire to reconnect or find out what he's doing now.

In this way, I suppose I've learned to let go and shift over to my present life and the people in it whom I love dearly and my husband whom I adore. Lately I'm feeling like this life is about giving as much of myself as I possibly can and in order to do that it takes a special kind of re-ordering or reorganization. I'm happy doing that and challenging myself towards more growth and more togetherness in my family.

Thanks Cherylyn but I'm not a black and white thinker. I don't see anything wrong with being friends with exes. In terms of rekindling, he's Bob Hope's cousin. No Hope.

It's hard to fraternize with exes and move forward when they're a constant reminder of why you ended up as exes with those exes. It just dredges up unpleasant memories so why go backwards? I thought the purpose of breakups was to leave exes behind and start a new life with a fresh start, a clean slate.

Do what you want to do. Be friends with your exes as long as everyone is one big happy family.

Eleven years ago, on this site, you wrote the following while lamenting the idea that you had "wasted" your youth trying to get back exes.

I truly regret the drama that I allowed some of my exes to create in my life. I regret most of all, my lack of ability to LET THEM GO and move on with my life to make the most of it. I was in my prime during all of this. I could have just about any guy I wanted. Yet, I wallowed in self pity and fear over some stupid guy that wasn't going to work out anyway.

Today, in the past month, you've written about the frustrations of dating a married man who was still tangled up with his ex/divorce, about the perils of dating in your 40s and having to navigate the baggage that comes with men, and now you are writing about yourself, a woman in her 40s who is entertaining past baggage in the present.

It is, as FiO put it, interesting to see. Is all that, do you think, a coincidence?

I guess moving forward is just one foot in front of the other.

It is, yes, though it's rarely a totally linear process, us humans being the weirdos we are. Still, it's worth asking how much dipping into the past is necessary to find the path forward that serves us best.

Remember why you broke up in the first place, see if any changes have been made (on both sides). Although you're making it sound like you just want something to do, a distraction of sorts.

I do remember why we broke up. Fortunately I wrote it here and went and found it before I decided to meet him. Don’t worry about me. I have no rose colored glasses for him. But he’s not a bad person to be friends with either.

Gosh there just so much going on here not sure where to start, the looking at rebounding as a viable and healthy option or the total hypocrisy...

 

 

 

It’s almost like you were projecting your issues onto them...it’s interesting to see... our minds they can play tricks on us.

 

What are your thoughts?

Gosh there’s so much negativity in your post. Do you come here to be a Debbie downer and tell yourself you’re trying to help people?

I’m dating and moving forward. I’m not in a relationship and until I find a healthy partner I will continue to date.

I am thinking the projection is coming more from you. Ask yourself why you are so incensed that I dare date other people. Pretty unreasonable from my perspective

Regarding exes and patterns... well, I think we're all on a sometimes topsy turvy journey and we have a vague idea of how things should go until they really go and then we aren't sure again where or what we're doing. And those short bursts of chaos are ok. I can't speak for anyone else but I stumbled along the path of this and that, not sure of up or down and must have appeared a lot like Chicken Licken along the way, wondering if the sky was falling. I'm still very sure I look like Chicken Licken some days.

 

In this way, I suppose I've learned to let go and shift over to my present life and the people in it whom I love dearly and my husband whom I adore. Lately I'm feeling like this life is about giving as much of myself as I possibly can and in order to do that it takes a special kind of re-ordering or reorganization. I'm happy doing that and challenging myself towards more growth and more togetherness in my family.

Thanks for sharing. The last paragraph really resonated. I get the impression that you understand where I’m at.

It's hard to fraternize with exes and move forward when they're a constant reminder of why you ended up as exes with those exes. It just dredges up unpleasant memories so why go backwards? I thought the purpose of breakups was to leave exes behind and start a new life with a fresh start, a clean slate.

 

Do what you want to do. Be friends with your exes as long as everyone is one big happy family.

I can see what you mean about unpleasant memories. It’s been so long I had to read why we broke up. I don’t harbor the resentment I had back then and he wasn’t a bad guy. He just had some unhealthy defenses. I am awfully curious to see what’s happened in all of this time.

It's interesting that they all still have your contact info and all happened to contact you after the breakup. Yes, it may be a distraction and yes sex with the ex is easy and often for quick release during dry spells but why not move forward rather than backward?

In the past year since I left my ex fiancé, I have had 5 exes reach out to me.

Gosh there’s so much negativity in your post. Do you come here to be a Debbie downer and tell yourself you’re trying to help people?

 

I’m dating and moving forward. I’m not in a relationship and until I find a healthy partner I will continue to date.

 

I am thinking the projection is coming more from you. Ask yourself why you are so incensed that I dare date other people. Pretty unreasonable from my perspective

I realize tone can’t be heard, but I honestly wasn’t be negative, I stated the facts you gave us, if hearing what you’re doing feels like an attack, well it’s probably because it sounds pretty off the wall.

You’re literally complaining about men with baggage as you date to cope with your baggage...

I was honestly asking your opinion on that blatantly obvious fact, your indignation is a convenient distraction, but it’s your life, you have to live with your choices.

Blue - I’m disappointed that someone who comes across as positive and more enlightened is jumping on this band wagon. I’m not entertaining him as a bf. That time has passed. You are jumping to conclusions. If you have read my posts on the separated guy or if you go back to my post about this guy specifically you would know that I can now walk away and let go of a situation that is not in my best interests. I did that with this guy, my ex fiancé and the separated guy. Instead of recognizing that I’m getting grief for going out on a date with someone who is fun and is nice.

 

What I’d like to understand is what happened to the general supportive and positive vibe of the posters from a long time ago that didn’t type cast people as if they knew them better than they know themselves.

 

Prescriptive advice from people who are negative and controlling cannot be what this forum is about.

Jesus, talk about gaslighting!!!!

Blue didn’t attack you, he had an honest observation, if it’s due to a misconception, so be it, we only have your words to go by, clarify, enlighten us.

Please cause now I’m honestly feeling I must be completely misunderstanding you. Why do you feel it’s fair and ok to be critical of men with baggage when you have baggage and date.

This isn’t finger pointing or judgement, it’s a legit question.

Thanks for sharing. The last paragraph really resonated. I get the impression that you understand where I’m at.

You were pretty clear in post #1 it was for distraction and catching up. I didn't read this as a big deal. I think all of us enact break up rituals. Most people lean on the company of friends or family and interests/hobbies. Not everyone will want to inconvenience close friends or family either. Also due to your age and level of self-sufficiency which I've read in your threads, you don't seem at risk with these exes. The way I read it it's more about enacting rituals and amassing or gathering resources and courage to move forward. The way I did it, it was about taking stock of my whereabouts in relation to where I used to be, a bit like re-situating myself after a disorienting section of my journey.

Once you meet someone whose pull is so magnetic and the match is that good, you eventually won't need to enact these rituals because there is no break up. There isn't even a need to keep up with the jones so to speak or any desire to find out what's kicking with the exes - erroneous friendships and relationships fade away. For the meantime, I don't see any harm in catching up. You're single - enjoy it.

My uncle changed the status after his second marriage came to an end and women came flocking (old friends and lady friends of friends started reaching out to him). I figured you must have changed your status somewhere on a social media website.

I don't think I offered any advice in my post, prescriptive or otherwise. I made observations, not judgements, asked you some questions that you opted not to answer. Speaking for myself, I've sometimes found nothing more supportive, on this forum and in the wilds of IRL, than someone (here's looking at you, FiO!) holding a mirror to a part of me or a pattern in me that I may be reluctant to see, even when it takes a moment for the eyes to adjust. I've also found that when I'm sensitive to what someone observes, or when a question feels like a verdict, it's always worth asking myself why.

I'm hardly against being friends with exes, for the record, catching up with an ex, even dabbling back in nebulous, distracting romance with an ex. I'm not against much, at the end of the day, when it comes to people. I have a pretty rich history on those fronts, and can happily and sympathetically go down the wormhole of analyzing it all—assessing, it in your terms, both the positives and negatives, the ways its been beneficial to growth but sometimes—perhaps more than sometimes—prohibitive to helping me establish the sorts of connections I seek, both within myself and with others.

What I've come to believe is that every choice we make comes with a real, un-erasable cost—as who we are, in a sense, is the product of the choices we make: where we choose to live, what we choose to do for a living, who we choose to be involved with romantically, who we choose to be friends with, and, yes, which exes we remain in contact with and why.

Right now you are single, a bit frustrated, a bit melancholy about dating in general and one dating experience in particular. Human stuff. Some exes are circling, as exes do and as we sometimes do to exes. You are making the choice to engage, and I can only imagine you're posting about that choice because you're not 100 percent certain about it. Still, that is the choice you're making to handle this juncture in your life. No judgement, truly.

But recognize, and accept, the potential costs.

As you have found yourself frustrated by the tendrils of men's past inhibiting them from being fully present with you, it's safe to assume that were you to meet a new man, and were that new man to learn that you have recently been talking to some exes and meeting up with one, that his eyebrow might raise a bit. He may become wary where he was once open. You may have to explain something, some things, both to him and to an ex you now, again, need to let go of. Your explanation may not soothe. He may think you're terrific, but he may simply be looking for someone with less complications, as he perceives them, since he remembers the moment three months earlier when an ex poked him and he opted to not poke back and he'd like a fellow traveler on that front. And he will move on and you may find yourself in a familiar position: gravitating toward a man with a tangled relationship with a past romance, finding chemistry there, but along with the chemistry frustration, a wall where you hoped for a door. To think that is not a real risk, given your own experience with men, would be naive.

Were I to spot a pattern in myself it would be that, whenever I've chosen to entertain exes it has often dovetailed with me entertaining other "risky" choices in who I connect with. Finding a version of comfort in turbulence and, in the process, wiring my brain to process turbulence as meaning, depth. A woman, say, with some unprocessed baggage. Which can be hot, interesting, even rewarding. But sustainable and genuinely nourishing? Less so. Instead of affirming for each other our highest selves, our forward moving selves, we end up affirming a slightly more stuck version of ourselves, and building a foundation from that. It' very subtle—until, of course, it's not.

I'm aware that at various points in my life—i.e. the majority—I've been viewed by women as a pretty dynamic, kind, wonderful man—but, alas, a man who had some work to do, some tendrils to untangle. They were right. Those who didn't see me as such? They were connections that always had a degree of volatility, unsustainability. For a long time I adhered to the idea that I just hadn't met the right person, the one who really "got" me. Took some humility to accept that maybe there were things about myself that I needed to "get" first, to start making some different choices, to learn to cope with the lonesome stretches of life a touch differently than I had in the past.

A few cents, to spend how you see fit.