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Thread: My exes are coming back except the guy I want to call

  1. #1
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    My exes are coming back except the guy I want to call

    In the past year since I left my ex fiancé, I have had 5 exes reach out to me. I am actually going to have drinks with the one before my ex fiancé. I am seeing it as catching up and a distraction. I have other dates lined up this week and next. It's feast or famine in dating.

    Regardless of all of these distractions, I can't help but recognize that I'm still attached to the guy that I dated last. I don't know if it's limerence or if he simply is just a better person than all of my exes. I wish he had made it easier for me to move on. Instead he pulled a d*** move by being unselfish. I'm still hooked. :/

    I guess moving forward is just one foot in front of the other.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Just remember to do so at your own risk without any grandiose expectations. Your exes are exes for a reason so keep that in mind.

    Moving forward to to start fresh with a clean slate; NOT with exes and now you're going backwards. Whatever floats your boat, Belle.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    This is probably why you're circling back to exes:
    [Register to see the link]

    Remember why you broke up in the first place, see if any changes have been made (on both sides). Although you're making it sound like you just want something to do, a distraction of sorts.

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    Thanks Cherylyn but I'm not a black and white thinker. I don't see anything wrong with being friends with exes. In terms of rekindling, he's Bob Hope's cousin. No Hope.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Gosh there just so much going on here not sure where to start, the looking at rebounding as a viable and healthy option or the total hypocrisy...

    Originally Posted by Belle
    Are there other women out there in their 40's that have noticed a lack of emotionally available and healthy single/divorced men? I am dating again, but I've never seen so many men with baggage and issues in my life. Or maybe it's an online thing?
    It’s almost like you were projecting your issues onto them...it’s interesting to see... our minds they can play tricks on us.

    What are your thoughts?

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Belle
    In terms of rekindling, he's Bob Hope's cousin. No Hope.
    This made me laugh. There's a small town not far from Vancouver called Hope. Your comment reminded me of one weekend trip with a girlfriend when we were single, we booked a hotel and laughed into the night talking about the irony of everything and I remember one moment one of us remembered the name of the town we were in and falling to fits of laughter. I'm a big fan of exploring different towns and finding hidden gems in the surrounding areas. They sure had great coffee too.

    Regarding exes and patterns... well, I think we're all on a sometimes topsy turvy journey and we have a vague idea of how things should go until they really go and then we aren't sure again where or what we're doing. And those short bursts of chaos are ok. I can't speak for anyone else but I stumbled along the path of this and that, not sure of up or down and must have appeared a lot like Chicken Licken along the way, wondering if the sky was falling. I'm still very sure I look like Chicken Licken some days.

    Exes were a neutral topic for me previously, before being married. I was ambivalent about the topic and even if there was an ex I would have liked to keep in touch with, that person wasn't available or single and someone wouldn't have been happy about keeping in touch. There was one in particular whom I wondered about more than the others and he ended up reaching out to me anyway and we caught up over dinner and continued a great friendship for awhile before I explained myself out again. That was the only time I met up with an ex in person and we were both single. This was a relationship that I ended abruptly due to circumstances at the time but my affection and fondness for the growth and development of this person runs very deep (or at least the memory of it). I have not spoken to this person in years and never during my marriage because I have no interest in doing so. I don't think about this person regularly if at all and am fairly certain he's moved on in a way that we talked about plenty, in ways that we've encouraged each other to do at the end of the relationship and in the friendship after the relationship ended. I'd hope he has anyway. In other words, we've said our goodbyes but the memory still exists. He lives in a different time and I have no desire to reconnect or find out what he's doing now.

    In this way, I suppose I've learned to let go and shift over to my present life and the people in it whom I love dearly and my husband whom I adore. Lately I'm feeling like this life is about giving as much of myself as I possibly can and in order to do that it takes a special kind of re-ordering or reorganization. I'm happy doing that and challenging myself towards more growth and more togetherness in my family.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Belle
    Thanks Cherylyn but I'm not a black and white thinker. I don't see anything wrong with being friends with exes. In terms of rekindling, he's Bob Hope's cousin. No Hope.

    It's hard to fraternize with exes and move forward when they're a constant reminder of why you ended up as exes with those exes. It just dredges up unpleasant memories so why go backwards? I thought the purpose of breakups was to leave exes behind and start a new life with a fresh start, a clean slate.

    Do what you want to do. Be friends with your exes as long as everyone is one big happy family.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Eleven years ago, on this site, you wrote the following while lamenting the idea that you had "wasted" your youth trying to get back exes.

    Originally Posted by Belle
    I truly regret the drama that I allowed some of my exes to create in my life. I regret most of all, my lack of ability to LET THEM GO and move on with my life to make the most of it. I was in my prime during all of this. I could have just about any guy I wanted. Yet, I wallowed in self pity and fear over some stupid guy that wasn't going to work out anyway.
    Today, in the past month, you've written about the frustrations of dating a married man who was still tangled up with his ex/divorce, about the perils of dating in your 40s and having to navigate the baggage that comes with men, and now you are writing about yourself, a woman in her 40s who is entertaining past baggage in the present.

    It is, as FiO put it, interesting to see. Is all that, do you think, a coincidence?

    Originally Posted by Belle
    I guess moving forward is just one foot in front of the other.
    It is, yes, though it's rarely a totally linear process, us humans being the weirdos we are. Still, it's worth asking how much dipping into the past is necessary to find the path forward that serves us best.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Remember why you broke up in the first place, see if any changes have been made (on both sides). Although you're making it sound like you just want something to do, a distraction of sorts.
    I do remember why we broke up. Fortunately I wrote it here and went and found it before I decided to meet him. Don’t worry about me. I have no rose colored glasses for him. But he’s not a bad person to be friends with either.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    Gosh there just so much going on here not sure where to start, the looking at rebounding as a viable and healthy option or the total hypocrisy...



    It’s almost like you were projecting your issues onto them...it’s interesting to see... our minds they can play tricks on us.

    What are your thoughts?
    Gosh there’s so much negativity in your post. Do you come here to be a Debbie downer and tell yourself you’re trying to help people?

    I’m dating and moving forward. I’m not in a relationship and until I find a healthy partner I will continue to date.

    I am thinking the projection is coming more from you. Ask yourself why you are so incensed that I dare date other people. Pretty unreasonable from my perspective

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