Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 19

Thread: Should I give up hope?

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2019
    Posts
    8
    Gender
    Male

    Should I give up hope?

    My ex and I broke up 6 months ago after a 6-month relationship. We were going to look at a house together that we would eventually move in to together. Her best friend was also going to come and look at the house with us. She had not seen her best friend in a while so I suggested that they have a girls day and that I would look at the house later that week. She got really angry at me and told me that she did not feel like a priority in my life and that I wasn't as invested as she was. I was but was not great at showing how much she meant to me. I regret this and have been beating myself up over this because I did take her for granted. After the argument, we both decided to part ways. A few days after the break-up, she texted me and told me that she missed me. I sent brief responses because I wanted space to think about our relationship. I could have capitalized on that moment but I really wasn't sure if I wanted to reconcile at that moment.

    After 1 month, I reached back out to her to see if she would respond. She ended up showing up at my apartment and we talked for only about 10 minutes because I had somewhere to be. She seemed excited to see me but asked if we could be friends. I told her that I am only interested in a romantic relationship with her. Later that night, she texted me and asked if I would like to meet up with her again the next day. I went and met her and we took a walk and talked about everything. Her attitude towards me was different from the day before. I told her that I loved her and wanted the same things that she wanted. She told me that she was angry that I let her walk out of my life and that she has met someone else. I told her that I was sorry for taking her for granted and that I would give her space.

    The next day I wrote a handwritten letter to her to that told her how much I loved her and how I want to be a better man (I know this was a mistake). She immediately texted me and told me that she has moved on and is happier now. I responded to that text and said that I feel like she is not being transparent with me and she responded again and said that we broke up and she moved on and if I truly care about her I should let her go. I never responded to her after that text.

    I haven't talked to her since and have not heard from her. I am starting to lose hope that I'll never hear from her again and I also fear that when we talked last and I told her that I want the same things as her, she might have thought that I was just trying to manipulate her. I want to show her somehow that I am leveling up as a man and am working to make the changes in my life. I'm not sure if she will see any of my progress because she deleted all of her social media accounts and we don't really have any mutual friends so there aren't any social connections that she can get information from about me.

    Just as extra background, we did have 2 other fights prior to this last fight which led to the breakup. She is very emotional and I could have been a better boyfriend to her so we both played a role in the breakup, but I know that we had amazing chemistry and she would constantly tell me how much she loves me and would always write me letters and give me gifts so she was definitely attached to me. As I've learned about attachment styles, she was clearly anxious.

    Anyways, I have been battling in my head about what to do. I have met new friends, picked up new hobbies, work is going great, but I still think about her every day and want her back. I'm beginning to think that the best way to move on is to believe that there is no hope. Am I wasting my time?

    I had a 5 year relationship before this so this isnt the first time I've gone through a tough breakup. We are both 27 and I am starting to think about settling down and starting a family and this was a situation that could have led to that which is why it's probably so hard to let it go.

  2. #2
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2018
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    607
    Gender
    Male
    You're blaming yourself for everything here. Sounds like as it was only a 6 month relationship she didn't want to go any deeper and was already having doubts.

    Dumping you for suggesting she have a good time with her friend. Come on. She may already have met this other guy and this was just a great excuse for her to bail without looking bad.

    As for your other questions then yes you are wasting your time. I think she's offering you the frindzone or nothing. If you have any self respect you would be better off with nothing.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    9,150
    I think this whole things was awfully rushed. You were looking at houses at just 6 months of dating? Why so fast?

    In my experience, relationships that start off with a bang usually end just as abruptly. Decisions in those relationships are often made from a place of lust and impulsive whims rather than a mature, logical and grounded thought process. However, I suspect you felt this too, which is why backed out of seeing the house on the day you'd planned. I realize you offered to let her have a girls' day, but if she didn't ask for that, she likely did indeed assume you were trying to put the brakes on things a bit - which I think was actually a wise move. Perhaps your gut was talking to you and imploring you to slow it down with her.

    In any case, it's done now. She has been clear that she's moved on and doesn't wish to hear from you. And that is probably not a terrible thing; it sounds as though you might be better off without someone demands this type of commitment so early on. That's usually not a good sign of things to come.

  4. #4
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2019
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    129
    Gender
    Female
    Your 1st two mistake here were moving to fast & not being committed.

    It's generally a bad idea to live with somebody before you have dated them for at least a year. You two didn't have the foundation with each other to talk about cohabitating.

    However once you decided to live together it was foolish to think you could separately see the place you would occupy together. Yes it was sweet that you wanted to give her time with your friend but the way you went about it indicated to her that you didn't care about moving in with HER specifically. It was just a real estate transaction to you. Do you understand how she perceived it?

    The fact that you had 3 fights in 6 months also indicates that you two were fundamentally in compatible. I have been married for almost 11 years, together for 13. We have not had 3 fights in all that time.

    You gotta let this go. You mistakenly think it was a much better healthier relationship then it was.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2019
    Posts
    8
    Gender
    Male
    I want to add some additional information. Our first fight was about one month into the relationship. She told me that she has fertility issues when were out at dinner one night and then got mad at me becaues I didnt really respond well to that. She told me that I should take my things and go when we got back to her place because I was planning on spending the night there. As we were going home I explained that I really cared about who she was and the fertility issues are not that big of a deal to me because I like her for who she is. I then grabbed my things and as I was walking out the door she grabbed me and started begging me not to go and said that she loved me and thought we were soul mates. This was a red flag to me that I ignored...

    "It was just a real estate transaction to you. Do you understand how she perceived it? -Yes I do realize that in her mind it came across as me not being as invested in cohabitating.

    Our second second fight was over something petty if I remember correctly. She threatened to break up with me and I told her that I didnt want to break up but I'm also not going to beg. She ended up staying. Looking back on this, it seemed like a maniuplation tactic.

  7. #6
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2019
    Posts
    8
    Gender
    Male
    One last thought...

    I understand that she wanted to be romaticized into seeing the house together and having it be a team decision as a couple, but if that was the case then why would she bring a 3rd wheel along? Yes it was her best friend, but if it was about being a team and couple and our future, I wouldn't ask my best guy friend to be there. If I wanted my friends opinion, I would have brought them at a later date to look at it.

    Just a thought.

  8. #7
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2019
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    129
    Gender
    Female
    Sorry but she has unrealistic expectations. One month in she should not have been discussing fertility with her, her new BF. Threatened break ups & such drama . . . you dodged a bullet with this girl.

    Slow down next time. Take your time. Work toward a good investment. Don't get sucked into some promise of instant intimacy in the short term.

    She probably brought the friend along because she needed validation both about you / the relationship & the house itself. She's not mature or well balanced enough to keep her own counsel which makes her a very poor prospect for a long term partner.

  9. #8
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2019
    Posts
    8
    Gender
    Male
    That's great perspective. Thank you!

  10. #9
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2018
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    607
    Gender
    Male
    Sounds to me shes a drama queen OP,lucky escape for you.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    12,053
    100% agree with TeeDee...she brought her friend so she could show off and also assuage her insecurity..."Look, I have a boyfriend and he wants us to live together!!"

    In her mind you ruined that for her. You have no idea how badly her fragile ego needed that validation. Instead, you acted dismissive (again, in her mind) and embarrassed her in front of her friend.

    This would have been years of you trying to give her the validation she requires. It never would have been enough.

    You're actually better off. In your pain it's hard to fathom but with time your perspective will be more clear.

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •