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Thread: F23 broke up with me (M23) months after I told her about a friend kissing me

  1. #11
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    The other factor here is that you and your now-ex are both very young. The world is at your respective fingertips, and many relationships that begin young don't survive the transition into adulthood.

    My sense is that your girlfriend was very much losing interest in the relationship. While school and life stress can certainly cause people to withdraw, it is often loved ones we seek out to support us when the going gets tough. She, on the contrary, turned away from you. The neglect you were experiencing was the big clue that she wasn't into this anymore.

    I don't mean to be the bearer of bad tidings. It just isn't that likely that this will the girl you spend your life with, in the end.

  2. #12
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    I could definitely see this, but my girlfriend is afraid to reach out when things get tough. She doesn't have a robust support system. Her relationship with her family is amicable, but not deep. Her relationship with friends is superficial. I would not be surprised if only one or two people know of this separation at the moment. She told me I was the only one she ever got close to, which I'm sure makes this situation all the more tough for her. Her previous , much less serious, boyfriends didn't really care much about her.

    It wasn't that she wasn't willing to work this out before--I just believe she is afraid of being vulnerable. She is a textbook avoidant, her distance, to me, doesn't necessarily mean she is not interested in the relationship. It could mean that she is afraid of the intimacy that comes with feeling vulnerable with the rebuilding of trust following my crossing of relationship boundaries. When stress occurs, she can self-regulate her emotions less and is less inclined to be intimate emotionally--this results in her distancing.

    The book Attached by Amir Levine has been great in explaining to me the dynamics of an Anxious-Attached dynamic.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Don't be her therapist. Don't pity date. It's not fair to anyone. The fastest way to destroy trust and respect is to start psychoanalyzing someone who, after reading a book, you've determined is defective and needs your pity/help.That's not what healthy relationships look like.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    F23 broke up with me (M23) months after I told her about a friend kissing me
    What did you hope to accomplish by telling her this?

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I don't think it's a good idea to overanalyze her attachment style or the way she decodes issues. She may be more independent than you think and the health of her support system may not be readily visible to you. This was a largely long distance relationship. The strength of her support system may very well come from within her. I find that you may in danger of victimizing her because she is different from you or her approaches are different. She may appear isolated but she may also be regaining deeper consciousness.

    It's ok to grieve and to hope too. From your second post on page 1 (#10), I'm understanding you're learning your own emotions and your role in relationships. It's ok to keep learning (a good thing).

    Both of you may come back to this - nobody knows. Long term relationships generally involve long term friendships too and sometimes friendships and feelings do rekindle. I think both of you have a better shot at repairing what you have in person though, not over long distance. Since you are still grieving the fall out, it's ok to put your life on pause for awhile and just take stock of what you feel and check in with yourself daily on what your thoughts are. Nobody expects you to date or party or meet new women or engage with anyone else. Take your time figuring things out.

  7. #16
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    I understand that it's not my role to be her therapist--I know reading a book doesn't make me and expert and psychology in the first place isn't the most concrete field. I am not pity dating her, I would just consider myself someone who seeks information in the event of the unknown and always tries to improve situations. In the same sense that she seems avoidant, I am anxiously attached. Realizing the different needs between us has helped me rationalize my own fears of abandonment and bring me to a place of more security. Our early fights often quickly spiraled. I would feel space and seek closeness or reassurance often suffocating her of her feelings of free-will further pushing me away and causing my insecurities to flare up. I've since learned that giving space after a disagreement is her need, it allows her to self-regulate her emotions and to bring herself to a place where she can process ehr emotions and be better equipped to deal with mine.

    I am trying to work on myself, figuring out what areas of my life I have neglected while being in a relationship. I always put her first and I think it may have caused some resentment that led to what happened. We will not be long distance in a couple weeks, so I hope we check in at some point.

    When my GF and I spent a couple weeks together after this incident and before she knew, I began to feel very positive about the future of our relationship. I thought that she could very well be the one and we were having a great time together and seemed close and stable. I felt extremely guilty about holding onto this piece of information. As I thought about our future together, I felt extreme remorse about my actions and I also thought the in order to move forward and try to establish a long lasting relationship that all the chips should be on the table, so I told her.

    And I am making no judgement of her support system, merely that it is mostly sufficient in the form of space. She grew up doing everything for herself, often being forgotten about and continues having trouble going to others for help or support. Her independence was what first attracted me to her, but our different views on a healthy level of dependency has caused issues in the past.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm not certain she was completely comfortable with you in the relationship. This is probably not the easiest to hear but I don't sense that either of you understood each other well enough from the start. That is ok. After my husband and I married, he told me something I didn't know about previously. It caused me to rethink and took me time to process what it meant in the overall picture. Maybe what is important to note is that we were/are committed to the marriage and in repairing our understanding of each other. I think you did the right thing telling her the truth. In that act, you were also true to yourself and you've come clean about where your mistakes were.

    I hope your remorse doesn't take you down a rather dark path in order to regain the affections of a woman who ends up not seeing herself with you. Every time we fall down, we need to pick ourselves up, assess the damage, patch up and keep walking. You aren't doing the wrong thing either by going through and reflecting on the ins and outs of where this relationship took both of you.

    I agree with you that your differing levels of dependency were perhaps perplexing and frustrating at the start. If understanding attachment styles brings you greater understanding overall, it's not a bad thing. I'm wondering what you mean by her continuing to "[have] trouble going to others for help or support". Has she expressly stated that she wants the help of others but can't bring herself to do it? If she has, my view of her may change as she may very well be avoiding issues. I'm unable to avoid issues in a relationship and am largely a problem solver. I'm just not as quick as my husband is. He is too fast for me sometimes and appears incredulous that I can think on something for an extended period. I like to take my time. Where we have learned to grow together and see each others' strengths is in acknowledging that we both see aspects and perspectives the other may not have seen in his/her process.

    She may be moving at a different speed as you but if she's stalled or not moving through difficulties as you think she ought to or have in the past, she may need to spend some time on her own.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Excellent. That's what self help books are for. Insight. Now if you feel they help you understand the dynamic you may have in relationships, that's great. But when you do see her in person leave off the psychobabble and have a real heart to heart. After you do some reflection on your own happiness, of course.
    Originally Posted by runner0402
    I am trying to work on myself, figuring out what areas of my life I have neglected while being in a relationship. I always put her first and I think it may have caused some resentment that led to what happened.

  10. #19
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    I meant that she often has trouble talking to people about problems she is dealing with (myself included) or going to other's for help. For instance, I loaned her a couple hundred dollars because she was worried about asking her dad for the money because asking him would signify she is a failure. When in reality, she NEEDS to work 40 hour weeks for her internship in order to graduate her masters and she has to pay for housing, food and gas. She doesn't believe that people will be there for her so she pushes everyone away and tries to be independent--part of the problem initially. Throughout the school year she was a full-time student (9-4 every weekday), worked part-time 4-9 on Monday, Wednesday and Thursday and worked 8am-7pm on Saturday and Sunday. She didn't want to take out a small loan amount to alleviate some of the stress of funding school and living expenses and instead worked herself to death and didn't have time for me or anyone else. I was attracted to her drive at first, but it always got in the way of her interpersonal relationships.

    Anyhow, last Thursday she finally texted me saying that she was still feeling done with this and that we could find a time to meet to exchange stuff. We talked on the phone after and she said that she just couldn't move on from me hanging out with the other girl and my lying about it. I understand what I did breached our trust, but if the shoe was on the other foot, I would forgive her and move on. I gave her a long apology, some actionable things I could do and said that once we were near each other (she moves back home on friday about 10 minutes away from me), then things would be better. But she argued that if wasn't going to work long distance, it wouldn't work anyway--which to me doesn't make sense. She said she would never be able to forget about this--seems like an exaggeration to me, she has lied to me about minor things before and I have moved past it--and that the other girl just won't go away. Apparently, the other girl followed my ex on instagram the day she didn't she was done for good. I was super angry at this. It seemed petty and vengeful to try to stay relevant despite not talking for months. It was just a reminder to my ex about everything and continued to hurt her. My ex said she was just done with this and her feelings had changed because I was no longer credible. This really hurt to hear. I didn't intend for any of this to happen. I have always strongly valued commitments and the fact that I faltered has been hard to reconcile with myself.

    Afterwards, in a bit of anger, I called the other girl to tell her to leave my ex alone. She told me she sent a message to her too on instagram, which my ex didn't know until I told her afterwards. This girl, months later, said that my ex shouldn't get back together with me and deserves better. She said I toyed with her emotionally and "he will never tell you the extent of the emotional cheating, but it was beyond unacceptable". She said that she felt better and less stressed after "making the decision to end things" despite the fact I just cut her off cold and it wasn't her decision. She told my ex that "getting out of a long term relationship is difficult but you will feel much better and feel happy you did." She also said she was "happily seeing someone" so it had nothing to do with interest with me. All of this was petty and slanderous and really highlighted how unstable she was.

    On the phone, we were practically screaming at each other. She told me that she really liked me and that "there was basically no chance of us being together now because of what I did". To me, it doesn't sound like someone who is happy to be in a relationship with someone else. The truth of the matter is that I did mess up and allow her to get to close to me. I, at points, thought that she might be a better fight than my S.O. But the whole time I told her that I had a girlfriend and that I was confused, but liked spending time with her. I repeatedly told her I wasn't trying to lead her on. She always said "she understood the risk of spending time with someone with a girlfriend." She deliberately always texted me first, gravitated towards me at practice and school, asked me to hang out or help her with schoolwork, and asked around about how my relationship was doing. The last time we saw each other before she kissed me, I told her I would never cheat on my girlfriend--i didn't realize I had crossed an emotional line at this point, but had a very hard physical line. She didn't care about that and kissed me. Afterwards she told me that she wanted to kiss me more, "lay in the back of the car" and "help her put her bed together" as she was moving in. I rejected all of that. She was the aggressor in all of that and knew the vulnerability I had in a long term, long distance relationship that was struggling at the moment. I am upset at myself for letting her succeed to some extent and just justifying everything with she was only a friend. I am upset I lost my ex's trust and our relationship, but I am very upset that this other girl is playing the victim card at the moment because she didn't get what she wanted.

  11. #20
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    Also, I am missing my ex dearly and although there are some rose-colored glasses at the moment, I do believe that I would like to rekindle things. We have yet to talk in person during all of this, but I will give her a couple weeks and see if we could meet. I am doing my best to improve my life and happiness. The breakup hasn't been as bad as I thought. I was a neuroscience major and just learning about the neurological effects of a breakup has been wonders to justifying what I am feeling and going through. It's a process with brain activity similar to physical pain or withdrawal from drugs. Input (ex's photos, reminders, etc.) stimulates area in the brain that the produce the neurotransmitters responsible for the emotions we feel. These emotions can promote thoughts that create a positive feedback loop further stimulating the brain and producing neurotransmitters. Our thoughts and feelings are simply chemistry--rationalizing this has helped me greatly with the grief and anxiety I am dealing with.

    Additionally, a helpful fact for anyone reading this who may be suffering a heartbreak, studies show that taking Tylenol for 3 weeks reduces negative brain activity compared against a placebo. Study participants were shown photos of their ex three weeks after and those who took Tylenol exhibited less brain activity on a functional MRI and experienced fewer negative emotions.. fascinating! Knowledge is power.

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