Meeting her mother

[fah4now]

Hello everyone.

Long story short about my history with my girlfriend. We met on online in June and messaged / texted for a while. We went on one date. She then friend zoned me since she said she wasn't over her ex. At the end of July she wanted to date again. At the beginning of August she asked me if she can call me her boyfriend. I agreed.

Fast forward 3 weeks. Yesterday my girlfriend asked me if I'd would be her and her mother for dinner. Now it's only been about three weeks since we decided to be boyfriend / girlfriend. Of course I said yes to avoid conflict which is totally for my fault for doing.

I'm not really sure how I feel about all of this. Prior her and I agreed to just date and have fun. Then she comes up with this. I am going to introduce my girlfriend to my parents, but not so soon.


On another note she gave me the code to her garage opener. She wanted me to come over and wait for her since her house is on my way home from appointments I had that day. I consider this pretty much giving me a key to her house. I'm am definitely not ready to give her a key.

[Rose Mosse]

These are a little red flaggy. I'm not surprised you're a bit put off. I'd go ahead and meet her mother since she initiated it and you agreed to it (if the plans can't be changed). If she hasn't arranged it yet, have a heart to heart with her. The only reason I say to go ahead with the dinner if plans can't be changed is because it might cause her or her mother inconvenience or some embarrassment in the change of plans. You made a mistake but it's not all bad. Take a deep breath and slow down. Let's go through the other items.

Do not give her a key to your home if you are not ready. What she does with her garage clicker is up to her but I would decline any offer of taking her garage clicker at this point if you feel the way you do about your house keys. I also think it's inappropriate given the short amount of time you've known each other. If you don't feel comfortable waiting around in someone's home, I'm sure you have other ways. There's such a high degree of discord and such a difference in the way you are comfortable with her and the way she is comfortable with you that it makes you going over and waiting for her very out of place. I think it would also go a long way if you express your thanks and gratitude, let her know it's a very thoughtful gesture for her to offer her home to you to wait in but decline graciously if it's inappropriate to you. Be honest with her that it's a little too early for you.

You can always hang out at a coffee shop close by or find a place where you can relax for awhile. You might also decide to see each other less (not every day for example) and only on days where you can meet in more appropriate ways. You are also under no obligation to introduce her to your parents at all just because you've met her mother early on. This may cause some disagreements or questions from her but don't feel pressured by someone else. Again, be upfront and genuine with her.

[abitbroken]

I would tell her that you are not comfortable with having her garage door code. I would have told her that you will meet her when she is home and told her you have other errands. actually, to put a positive spin, "I am glad you trust me with your garage code, but i am going to wait to come over when you are home. I have a few errands to run, and this will give you a few minutes to get settled also"

Honestly, some people introduce people to friends and family rather quickly to get a good handle on who that person is. Or they just hang out with them a lot and it really doesn't mean anything big. I would not give it the energy of thinking its a commitment because you met mom. My guy met my parents just so they could know that a serial killer wasn't coming to pick me up. But it was a 5 minute meeting, not lunch. They met fairly early. If you are really uncomfortable, bow out.

I think the biggest problem is not her -- its your inability to say no.

[Cherylyn]

She's moving too fast.

On the other hand, meeting her mother is a way to pick her mother's brain, have her mother evaluate you and she obviously values her mother's opinion regarding her new boyfriend. She will definitely ask her mother's opinion regarding your character and personality. After you leave, she will ask her mother, "Well, what do you think about fah4now?"

Be on your best behavior if you want a positive, first impression!

Regarding the code to her garage door opener, you are the one who needs to enforce boundaries. Tell her you're not comfortable having info regarding her home's security and that you're not willing to welcome yourself over to her house and wait for her which is not your way.

This is a good time to show your integrity and how you exercise discretion.

Put on the brakes and slow your relationship. You need to pace it better since you have a voice, too. Speak up. She needs to either cooperate or compromise.

[Wiseman2]

Your instincts are correct. She's on/off with the bf and trying to convince herself (and probably him) that she's moved on. You're a pawn in this drama not an active participant in a dating situation. That's why this feels simultaneously accelerated and stalled out.

We met on online in June and messaged / texted for a while.she said she wasn't over her ex. At the end of July she wanted to date again.

[Andrina]

Yes, it's good you're not making major decisions like giving her your key yet, since you've barely scratched the surface of who she is. So far, she has shown some wishy washy behavior. She's not over her ex and then 30 days later she is?

If she hasn't set a date for dinner yet, feel free to tell her after thinking about it more, that you'd rather wait a few more months. She'll ask you why, so you'll have to think of what your response will be--something simple like, "I'm still getting to know you one-on-one, and I'd just feel more comfortable meeting each other's friends and families after a few more months together."

If you lose someone by voicing your opinions, then she isn't the right person for you anyway. It's also a good way to see her reaction--if she respects your opinion and comes up with a consensus with you instead of resorting to manipulation with pouting or anger.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[fah4now]

I think the biggest problem is not her -- its your inability to say no.

Exactly! I definitely need to work on that. Thank you for call me out on it.

[fah4now]

Today she texted me and said she wasn't sure if I should meet her mom yet. We decided to hold off for now. She only dated one other person since her divorce. She said she has no idea what she's doing when it comes to things like meeting parents.

Thanks for all of the advice!

[Rose Mosse]

Good to hear and thanks for the update. Have fun together.

[TeeDee]

Giving you unfettered access to her house is a red flag. It's too soon.

Meeting mom depends. Before they died, I enjoyed my parents' company. They were a lot of fun & our social circles overlapped which is very common in our intergenerational crowd. I hang out with my friends' adult kids & I hang out with my friends' parents. So in my world an introduction to my parents was not some announcement about the significance of our relationship. Then again, I didn't set up like an introduction. Often it would happen because I was at a party or bar with my new SO & my parents would be there or they'd walk in. It was all very casual.

Since she has backed off, don't worry about it. You keep things casual by not availing yourself of the garage access she gave you.