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When do you know the breakup should be for good??


Spincycles

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While my boyfriend and I love each other and have been together for many years, there have been brief periods I've left him. I also know that neither of us are perfect.

 

It's like a repetition of sorts every year or so - I get really fed up with him lying about certain things (of importance) and then I leave him but then after I short time we really miss each other and reconcile. This has happened several times over several years.

 

I know he can be narcissist sometimes but other times he is so good to me and my family.

 

The last time is recent and I thought for sure it was the final time. Enough is enough. But as I was breaking it off he was able to stop me saying you know we will be back together in a few weeks so why bother? I should note we have some events coming up together like a wedding, a family event, etc. I know he was really pissed that I was breaking it off right before these events and I suppose I felt guilty breaking it off so close to these events so I’ve seen him on a very limited basis. As for the family event which is over several days, I am going without him but he insists on coming for 1 day at the end to spend with me.

 

I should add he was borderline verbally abusive when we had our last fight when I was breaking it off. But I do believe he truly loves me and can’t stand the idea of me being with someone other than him. Is this love or possessiveness? Is this because I’m afraid to leave once and for all?

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He keeps promising and seems to get on the right track but eventually slides back.

 

Don't you think he could say some version of this about you? That right when things start to get going again you pull the plug, put on a little breakup performance, and then come back to start the cycle anew?

 

I'm sure you're both fine people. But when you're repeatedly breaking up and getting back together it's generally a sign that you're not fine people for each other. Either that, or you're two people who love drama and bond more over a mutual fear of being alone than a deep respect for the other's humanity.

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Hmmm. So he is abusive, a liar and a narcissist, yet YOU keep returning. He has shown who he is, over and over. Don't you think it is about time you accept who he is, and move on. I don't understand why you get from all of this drama and instability?

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He keeps promising and seems to get on the right track but eventually slides back.

 

So what. He has shown you that he is incapable. I don't understand why you keep buying what he has to say. It makes zero sense. You can only blame yourself for staying on the hamster wheel.

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If a man loves you, he doesn't lie to you, he isn't verbally abusive, he isn't possessive and he doesn't insist upon attending a wedding with you.

 

Once a liar, always a liar. You can't trust him.

 

Now that you know what he's capable of regarding his unsavory behavior during arguments, you should be brave and courageous enough to break up with him because he doesn't treat you with RESPECT.

 

Get rid of him. You can do better.

 

The "none of us are perfect" is always a cop out excuse. If you don't approve the way he treats you, then eliminate him from your life and significantly decrease your stress. This time make the breakup FINAL.

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If I were in your shoes and doing this with someone I am seeing/dating, I'd be turning inward and trying to ask myself why my response is to continuously run away.

 

Am I getting the most response from the other person that way = manipulative/attention-seeking?

Or is it more about hurting the other person = vengeful/vindictive?

Or is it because it's a volatile or unpredictable situation = fear and uncertainty?

Perhaps it's because it's boring = frustration/contempt?

 

He may not be the best influence on you as a whole but you have somehow learned to ingrain this method of response to the disagreements that both of you have. It's a good idea to ask yourself why you've conditioned your brain this way.

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It's like a repetition of sorts every year or so - I get really fed up with him lying about certain things (of importance) and then I leave him but then after I short time we really miss each other and reconcile.

 

A break-up is always 'for good.' That's what breaking up is.

 

What you're doing is using it as a manipulation tactic, as punishment, and/or as way to cope with a bad relationship. In other words, you're doing it wrong.

 

You've overused the threat, and have made whole concept of "breaking up" meaningless to yourself and to your boyfriend. He sees through your empty threat. He knows you'll be back.

 

At this point, I think that what you have is more like possessiveness than it is like love.

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When you are done wasting your life away on these games with this guy, you'll know to pull the plug for good. Perhaps you have all the time in the world to waste on this. Perhaps you don't mind missing out on finding a decent compatible guy. Perhaps you have such low self respect that a "lying narcissist " is all you are worth. When you get to therapy and resolve all this is when you'll know "the breakup should be for good". Until then you'll just lie to yourself and tell yourself that romance novels are about these dramatic endings and beginnings and that is what true love is.

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OP, There is this ride at Disneyland called the Tea Cup ride. For years every time I go with my friends, they spin the tea cup around and I get dizzy and throw up and makes me feel horrible for hours if not the whole day. Every time we go on it, they promise they wont spin it but as soon as the ride starts, they spin it very fast and I throw up and feel bad. They have been doing this for years. They promise they wont get me dizzy but they do. Im tired of it.

Tomorrow we are going to Disney and they promised they wont spin the cups, I don't want to get dizzy and throw up and have it ruin my day. What should I do?

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