The ex popped up again

[Rose Mosse]

Agreed on the emotional offloading. I don't think it's fair to put our partners through that. I'm wary of her internal reasoning. If she voiced it to her partner or not is besides the point.

The issue to me is that X seems to have far too much importance in her life and X and C cannot coexist. I would have approached it more grounded in the relationship and from the committed relationship standpoint in thought where action follows thought (not the other way around for example). What X does around her or with her should have no bearing on what his importance is in her decisions to be with C. That's just my take on it but it may be too heavy or serious for what the relationship with C is in the first place.

[Batya33]

Well put by Rose.

I had a similar thought. There is a fine line between being honest with our partners and offloading an emotional whirl onto them to better manage it ourselves. The latter can feel like productive communication, even bonding, especially if our partner has a patient constitution. But the risk is that you are also turning your partner and partnership into a kind of laboratory to experiment with unresolved feelings rather than learning to resolve them on your own. That can make for a vulnerable connection, rather than a connection built on being vulnerable together—a fine line, at least until it becomes less than fine.

Not saying all that to trigger another whirl, but just as something to be aware of as you go about establishing boundaries and perhaps questioning whether your relationship with C has the right kind of fuel for you to be comfortable inside those boundaries instead of testing that comfort.

BC I was going to post something -far less eloquent though. This is not about being honest. It's about choosing to share private/personal information. I would not have shared it as long as I resolved it as you say you did or unless he absolutely needed to know meaning you two shared an email address or something like that. I have an ex who contacts me via linked in about every 6 months for the last few years. My husband happens to know of him from many years ago because when we first went out for lunch as friends I'd been seeing this guy for a few months. This ex is mostly appropriate but that is because I keep it 100% appropriate. I ask after his wife, his family and keep things to appropriate topics. No I don't block him -no need - but I do sense that if I wanted to flirt he'd be up for it . He puts out mild feelers, little compliments (nothing about my looks in the least). I also do not initiate contact. So far I have not told my husband about these twice yearly brief exchanges on a business website. He seems to be mostly happily married and I'm fine chatting about our kids, jobs, etc. I probably wouldn't tell him -rather, if it veered into bad territory I'd cut him off completely and then it would be a moot point. To tell my husband likely would annoy him that this ex contacts me in the first place (he knows I link in on linkedin with people I dated, that I am in touch with people I dated -so is he) and for what purpose since I have it totally under control and more importantly have NO romantic interest in or attraction to this guy.

Thanks again BC. I agree.

[Hollyj]

Several years ago I first came to this site because of a devastating break up. Here is the very first post I’ve made on here:

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Now, almost 10 years later, this ex has come back into my life after years of growth, self reflection and self positivity. I’ve moved on. I’m in what is probably the most healthy relationship I’ve ever been in... but, well, I guess I’ll just copy/ paste what I had posted on a different advice site... of course for a complete history of my complete heart break when X and I first broke up you can view my first post for a clearer picture (not to confuse things but I referred to my ex as “C” in my first post on here. The below refers to him as “X” and my current bf as “C” - for current:

I won’t go into the agonizing long story that was me and my ex but long story short, we met when I was 23 and recently out of an abusive relationship. He was 33 and showed me what it was like to be treated with love and respect from an SO. We got engaged. Our relationship moved fast and passionately. Both of us lost a parent in that time, he was still going through the motions of divorce, child visitation, etc and after almost 2 years we broke up very suddenly due to both our faults, outside circumstances and a lot of stress. The day after we broke up he moved back to his home state. We spoke off and on for about 6 months after, but it was toxic for us to do so and we dropped contact for about 5 years.

In those 5 years, I never got over him. Every relationship I compared to the one I had with him, ultimately sabotaging any prospect for a fulfilling future with that person.

One day, when I was living with my most recent ex (I’ll call R), he sent me a friend request on social media. I accepted. We kept it pleasant with “hi, how are you”’s and kept it basically at that. I felt like at this point I was strong enough to move past my feelings for him and concentrate on the relationship I was in. Ex fiancé (who I will call X) had a girlfriend, which didn’t send me into any sort of crazy fits of jealousy like I thought it would so I figured I really did move on.

3 years ago I got out of the relationship I was in at that time (completely unrelated to X) and soon after met C (current boyfriend). I had never had such strong feelings for another person since X until I met C. C and I are great partners. We tackle issues head on, but sometimes I would notice myself wishing our relationship was as passionate as it was with X. Don’t get me wrong, despite many ups and downs C and I have had, we always work things out, even when we reached what we thought was a point of no return at one point in our relationship - I won’t go into detail, mostly just lack of communication that escalated over time.

Over the course of the 5 years X and I have been fb friends, it’s obvious he is just looking to make enough money to pay bills and have fun. Him and the gf eventually broke up, he is still living a lifestyle that would be acceptable for someone in their 20’s, but maybe not a 43 year old father of 3 (although now his kids are adults).

Before I got with C, I confided in my best friends that I did believe X and I would end up back together when I was 40 and he was 50 when we were in better places with our lives. I had also confessed this to X during a drunken conversation we had while I was getting over my breakup with R, before meeting C.

Last week was my birthday and I went to visit my family in a different state. X messaged me to wish me a happy birthday and to tell my family he said hello. From there, he texted daily to tell me how much he misses me, how much he thinks about me and always had. I told him I am happy in my current relationship and I did not feel that he (X) was in a place in his life that I could consider being relationship potential. He agreed and reminded me that I had said I see us getting together in our next decade of life. He said “I have less then ten years to get my life together and now I have motivation. Maybe I can get it done in 5!”

Now let me preface my next sentence by saying that I would never cheat on C. I would never leave C for anyone else. But... the feeling of happiness and warmth I felt from X saying those things a couple of days ago is so strong and I feel so guilty. I’m back home with C now and just going over the conversation with X in my head keeps tearing me apart. Not because I fueled that conversation, but because it made me happy to hear that from “the one that got away”. I thought I was over him but now I’m second guessing.

I need advise.... what should I do? I don’t want to block X because he is still someone who was there during one of the hardest times of my life, and someone who showed me that it’s okay to have standards for myself in a relationship. But I also feel like I’m completely disrespecting C by remaining friendly with X.

You are cheating on C. How would you feel if he were having the same sort of communication with an ex?

You should have cut this off, long ago. Are you doing it for the attention?

X is no prize. I don't understand why you would even consider wanting to be with someone who is a cheat and behaves like a man child. I feel sorry for his kids for having him as their role model.

Saw your update. Glad you will block this guy.

[Rose Mosse]

Batya, your husband would get annoyed by your ex contacting you? Why then would he be in contact with people that he has dated in the past? This seems a bit pot calling the kettle black. I'm not a fan of all these in my marriage (personally speaking). It's too inconsistent for my liking and overly complicated.

[bluecastle]

Agree, Batya.

And I agree with Rose—and, heck, Dani kind of spelled it out herself—that one of the issues here is that the connection with C might not be strong enough to withstand the power of X and/or what X represents. When Dani has had doubts it wasn't merely about their connection, but about "wishing the relationship was as passionate as it was with X." That the relationship with C has once grazed "the point of no return," of course, also points to fragility, holes in the bottom of the ship that leave room for X, or at least what X still represents, to slip through and rot the wood, even once those holes are mended through "tackling things head on" and "always working things out."

Sorry to put it all under the microscope, Dani, but I think this is a fine time for some honest reflection within. I've been in relationships—long, and in many ways pretty good ones—where the thorn of a past love remains sharp, where some part of my mind still has them anointed my North Star. That I could recognize that mental glitch didn't negate it, as awareness and reprogramming aren't the same thing, sometimes the very opposite. I've never found they quite work because there is always this little itch, this sense that there is something more to be felt. It can be easy to ignore for long stretches, but then, alas, there it is, surfacing when things get a little stagnant or, of course, when the ex (or the X) hits you up.

For me, it was a relationship like that that led to some real self-work. I wanted to be a better partner, by which I mean I didn't want to put the pressure on a new partnership to demagnetize the pull of a past partnership. To be that kind of partner, I needed to learn to do that hard work myself: letting go of the past, and my stories of the past, so I could live and connect in the present. In my case, I think I knew, on some level, that the woman who would genuinely blow my mind and hold my interest would not put up with that dynamic, that she'd be able to sniff it so quick she wouldn't get involved with me, leaving my options confined to women who almost, almost worked but didn't quite work.

So I had to do that sniffing myself. Going down that path makes these sorts of boundaries much easier to set, and these little broaches things we can navigate and resolve on our own rather than turning to our partners for resolution. Put simply, when you're totally crazy about someone, and when that crazy isn't connected to their ability to keep demons at bay, the exes and Xes of this world can't get much of a foothold on the wall. Even when they peer over—per Batya's examples—they tend to slip down pretty quick, without much drama or the triggering of anything that needs to be "tackled head on."

There are ways in which I think your "story" about C is that he is the guy who bumped X from the top spot—who did the thing you hadn't figured out how to do yourself. When that story holds, you're content. When that story turns out to he thin, you flail. But C is just C, a person, not an eraser or pacifier. He can't occupy that pressurized role, because no one can but you. Maybe this can be a moment to really see that, and now go about seeing if you and C can deepen as a city of two rather than a fortress to protect against X, if that makes sense.

[Batya33]

Batya, your husband would get annoyed by your ex contacting you? Why then would he be in contact with people that he has dated in the past? This seems a bit pot calling the kettle black. I'm not a fan of all these in my marriage (personally speaking). It's too inconsistent for my liking and overly complicated.

No, not at all. He might be annoyed with this particular ex contacting me because of the past. Not all exes. Just like I would be annoyed if he were in contact with his most recent ex before me because of how she behaved when he and I reconnected. Perfectly consistent and very simple. We each have friends of the opposite gender and we almost always have. Some of those people we've dated in the past ,some not. Some we are friends with, some acquaintances, etc.

[figureitout23]

Update: I decided the best thing to do is to be honest with “C”... not about my internal feelings of the interaction, because those feelings are mine and I’m still processing that but I was honest about the interaction.

I told him it also made me reevaluate my relationship with him (“C”) and that I am thankful for him and appreciate him.

“C” took it really well! Told me he appreciated my honesty and asked me what I intended on doing so after careful debate, I decided to let X know that continuing communication would be inappropriate and block him. I haven’t done it yet. I want to word it carefully and sensitively, which C understood. He said I didn’t have to block X for his sake but I told him it was the right thing to do since X obviously didn’t respect me or my current relationship.

Ok...

Time for glass half empty chick to come in.

This isn’t cute or healthy.

You have to think about blocking the dude who made you his mistress.

Let that sink in.

I dont believe this wobbling is because ‘it’s not as passionate’ I personally think it’s because you have a warped sense of what a healthy relationship is so dysfunction is prettied up and called passion.

It doesn’t seem like you ever truly healed yourself after him. You weren’t whole to begin with, so broken girl becomes mistress, broken girl is heartbroken going from guy to guy still pining after broken relationship enter another relationship where you never fully gave yourself to the man because you can’t give what you don’t have, and the second dysfunction comes knocking....

I want you to prove me wrong.

If I’m wrong there is absolutely no logical reason to have to tell him you’re blocking him, you don’t owe him jack sh*t, to believe you must tell an ex like this anything ‘sensitively’ to me is to ensure he hovers, block him and move forward.

If you don’t again sorry but you’re prettying up your desire for dysfunction.

[saluk]

If you can get back together with X now that he has changed, it will undo all the pain he ever caused you! You won't have to hold that narrative in your mind anymore, it will all finally and forever be under the bridge, and you can get back to the direction you were hoping your life would go when it all started!

No.

You have healed from a lot of that, and going back in time won't heal you. Continuing to move forward is where the true healing is. Not to mention that X has not changed and is once again completely inconsiderate about relationship boundaries. This time, instead of cheating on his own relationship, he's trying to wear you down and get you to cheat on yours.

He's a creep. And he wants to make you one as well.

You've come too far to lose it all.