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Thread: The ex popped up again

  1. #11
    Silver Member DaniArizona's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    To add: I just read your initial post about him. Whoa.

    This guy is a wreck of a man who cheated on his wife with you, who cheated on you with a friend of yours, and up and left you in the dust in a pretty scalding manner. He's handsome, charming, the sex was astounding, the bond of grieving together while drinking too much is powerful, and it was all kind of crazy and perfectly complimented you during a very crazy period in your own journeyóI get it. But I think you're still struggling to see the whole thing clearlyówanting that chapter, and by extension X, to mean more than it did.

    I've gotten twisted around by some destructive types, and I've twisted some people around during destructive times in my own life. I know that heat very well. Still, it's important to own those chapters for what they are, and in the process de-mythologize them, rather than building them up into myths that make living in the present challenging and keep you susceptible for mistaking a certain set of emotional sensations (lust, self-annihilation, guilt, etc.) for others (passion, connection, love, and so forth).

    Bottom line: X showed you at 23, in stark terms, that he has nothing positive to offer you. Social media has shown you that he has done little evolution since then. His flirty, whimsical notes to you are further evidence that he is a man with no respect for romantic boundaries, who puts his own pleasure first at the expense of others.

    And you're struggling to block him why, exactly?
    I actually didnít read my original posts before posting this thread today.

    Iím at a loss for words. I feel so incredibly silly to have forgotten how dark the actual breakup was and how mean he was during it.

    The woman I am now, hard working, career driven, and most importantly, sober, would never allow something so awful to overwhelm my entire process of living. I wish I could go back and shake the naive girl who wrote that!

  2. #12
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DaniArizona
    I actually didnít read my original posts before posting this thread today.

    Iím at a loss for words. I feel so incredibly silly to have forgotten how dark the actual breakup was and how mean he was during it.

    The woman I am now, hard working, career driven, and most importantly, sober, would never allow something so awful to overwhelm my entire process of living. I wish I could go back and shake the naive girl who wrote that!
    Hah don't we all sista! Obsessed over a few stupidly myself.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Instead of shaking that naive girl I'd suggest taking a deep breath right now, forgiving yourself for being a human being, give the sober, hard-working woman you are today a hug, and then go give C a hug. Not a performative, guilt-induced hug, but just a small display of love and appreciation to remind yourself of what is big in your present.

    I'm a big believer that one of the ways we grow and get stronger is to always remember that we are more fragile than we know. This is just a small moment reminding you of that, so you can be good to yourself and, by extension, good to others.

  4. #14
    Silver Member DaniArizona's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by smackie9
    Hah don't we all sista! Obsessed over a few stupidly myself.
    Right?? Well this certainly made it easy to block the guy and move on!

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  6. #15
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    I popped back into my exes life three weeks ago sorta... it was the first and last time itíll ever happen. Learned my lesson on that one. Somethings are meant to stay dead.

  7. #16
    Silver Member DaniArizona's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Instead of shaking that naive girl I'd suggest taking a deep breath right now, forgiving yourself for being a human being, give the sober, hard-working woman you are today a hug, and then go give C a hug. Not a performative, guilt-induced hug, but just a small display of love and appreciation to remind yourself of what is big in your present.

    I'm a big believer that one of the ways we grow and get stronger is to always remember that we are more fragile than we know. This is just a small moment reminding you of that, so you can be good to yourself and, by extension, good to others.
    I love this so much. Thank you :)

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It all depends on if you at some level want them to. Whether to reestablish contact, stay friends, rekindle the romance or just some sort of satisfaction that they contacted you. It may be puzzling but usually it has nothing to do with you.

  9. #18
    Silver Member DaniArizona's Avatar
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    Update: I decided the best thing to do is to be honest with ďCĒ... not about my internal feelings of the interaction, because those feelings are mine and Iím still processing that but I was honest about the interaction.

    I told him it also made me reevaluate my relationship with him (ďCĒ) and that I am thankful for him and appreciate him.

    ďCĒ took it really well! Told me he appreciated my honesty and asked me what I intended on doing so after careful debate, I decided to let X know that continuing communication would be inappropriate and block him. I havenít done it yet. I want to word it carefully and sensitively, which C understood. He said I didnít have to block X for his sake but I told him it was the right thing to do since X obviously didnít respect me or my current relationship.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It sounds like you're on your way to establishing healthy boundaries.

    What seems problematic to me are those reservations about your internal feelings of the interaction. I don't fully know what you mean by that. If you're hanging onto private feelings for someone (residual without fully letting go), all you may be doing is fostering latent/dormant feelings that are able to pop up again at any time. I'd encourage finishing those thoughts and putting them to rest once and for all by asking yourself whether you are committed in your relationship at all.

    Your last line about reasons for blocking X wasn't about C. It was about this other guy not respecting your relationship. The focus shouldn't be on the other guy or what this other guy from your past does. It should be on how interested and how much you love C. I'd be wary if I were your partner (C) and while he may be reserved in his reactions, I don't think you're fully into this relationship as you think you may be.
    Last edited by Rose Mosse; 08-27-2019 at 01:55 PM.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Well put by Rose.

    I had a similar thought. There is a fine line between being honest with our partners and offloading an emotional whirl onto them to better manage it ourselves. The latter can feel like productive communication, even bonding, especially if our partner has a patient constitution. But the risk is that you are also turning your partner and partnership into a kind of laboratory to experiment with unresolved feelings rather than learning to resolve them on your own. That can make for a vulnerable connection, rather than a connection built on being vulnerable togetheróa fine line, at least until it becomes less than fine.

    Not saying all that to trigger another whirl, but just as something to be aware of as you go about establishing boundaries and perhaps questioning whether your relationship with C has the right kind of fuel for you to be comfortable inside those boundaries instead of testing that comfort.

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