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Thread: we broke up

  1. #1
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    we broke up

    hello everyone, hope you're all doing well, i am here today because i really got to my breaking point and can't take it anymore, i was in a one year relationship with my beloved boyfriend, in fact we've been building what we have for more than one year, he was caring and loved me a lot, but we had several fights, i was at fault many times but we managed to get through this. Lately those fights became stupid and insignificant, we would fight over meaningless matters that it became tiring, and i was noticing that he was giving up more and more, i took the chance so many times to ask him if he still cared ans loved me, but he would ignore my question, till our last fight where i persisted for him to answer, his answer was that "he once had a flame for me and now it disapeared, he tried getting it back but time didn't do, and now he's uncertain and confused but doesn't know what to do, and probably thinks that he'll regret it if he leaves me".... this whole affirmation made me hoppeless since i am deeply in love with him, and ready to do anything, but i don't think i can make him love me, and moreover "again".
    So i asked to break up, he was okay with it, but i felt some uncertainty in hiw reaction. It has already been a week, i blocked him on social applications, i wanted to rest my mind, but i feel broke and desperate.
    I really don't know if i should wait for him to initiate a talk, waiting is killing me, and i'm scared that nothing would happen and my hopes will only end up hurting me, or initiate the talk by myself, but this won't solve his uncertainty problem, and i don't want to be with a person not sure of her own feelings, and finally there's the letting go option, i keep on crying and hoping, and i know it would kill me to forget everything... but we were so happy together if it wasn't for stupid fights.
    ps: we work at the same place so i will eventually meet him when i go back to work, i'm resuming work on september 4th, and need a clear decision before that time, because else i'll be completly lost at work :(
    please tell me if you see any hope in this or not?
    thanks for reading.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    let me know if I am right....your insecurity, clinginess, phone snooping, jealous accusations, finally wore him down?

  3. #3
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    You can't change another person, and it sounds as though he's just got weary of all the drama.

    However... it sounds as though you're very insecure in yourself, and test relationships to see if the other person still cares for you. Unfortunately, this can end up testing your relationships to destruction. Nobody on here can tell you if he will come back to you or not, but I'd make the following observations which will apply to any future relationships you have:

    - Don't break up with someone unless you really mean it. You might have fights, whatever, but don't hold the relationship to ransom like this. It's playing games, and - as you're discovering right now - will hurt you as much as them. Don't use a breakup as a punishment.

    - If you want someone to contact you, don't block them on social media and then eat your heart out because they aren't getting in touch. You're the one who's made it very difficult for them to do so. When you block people, do that with people you genuinely never want to see or hear from again, not people you want to contact you. Again, it's playing games and will hurt you just as much as them.

    - There are much, much better ways of affirming your relationship than picking a fight and then seeking reassurance that the other person still cares about and loves you. You're lucky that it lasted as long as a year; many guys would have walked much sooner.

    Probably the best thing you can do right now is work on yourself. Learn effective communication skills, so you can get reassurance from honest, open dialogue rather than playing games. Work on your own self-esteem, with professional help if necessary, so that you experience less anxiety which ends up expressing itself in fights. Don't try to rekindle the relationship; if he rejects you it will really hurt, and if you get back together again you will very quickly be back to square one with all the fights - because the underlying causes haven't been dealt with.

    Don't tell yourself you'll be completely lost at work. You won't be. If/when you see him, be polite, detached and professional. Your workplace is for working, not sorting out relationship problems, so stay cool.

    Finally, have a look at this link, which you may find helpful, especially the paragraphs about how an anxious attachment style manifests itself in adults: [Register to see the link]

    Good luck!

  4. #4
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    I can sense a lot of engulfment and urgency in your writing, and I learned a long time ago, don't play with your mind. The mind is one fragile and delicate thing, and while others may joke and he-he, ha-ha about obsessions and thoughts, they won't be laughing if they're sitting in front of a $400 / hour psychiatrist. So, if I were you, I'd resolve this quickly, and go one way, or the other. Letting this linger is the absolute, worst possible thing you can do. Whatever happens, don't let this hurt your work, since you mention work, because then the situation can just spiral out of control. You did the right thing by putting this out here.

    One group of people will tell you that a year or two is nothing, another group will tell you that it's something, so that's a debatable topic. I'm all for quality over quantity, so I wouldn't put a timed meter on this. I also know that arguing over insignificant things is some people's way of ending a relationship. They don't have enough courage to be blunt and direct, so they pick on minuscule things and make a whole situation out of it, with the hope that the other person goes away quietly. You did the right thing by confronting him, that's a great first step.

    If he didn't make a move in a week, either he is playing, testing, or done with it. You made the first move, he acknowledged it, and he let a week go by with nothing. To me, it sounds like he is done, so unless you are willing to succumb to the games and the waiting and the dragging, I think it's best to let it be and move on. If you make the move, then you're the initiator, then you show weakness, then he's got the upper hand, and you'll need to walk on egg-shells around him paying attention to his every eye roll, grunt, and heavy breath. Life is too short for that.

    Best of luck and take care of yourself first!

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    You need to be mature enough to accept that it's over between you two. He's moving on as should you.

    There is no hope. Unfortunately, you can't undo stupid fights, you can't undo the fact that he doesn't love you anymore, his desired died and left. He's done.

    No, don't wait for him to come around, initiate a talk, etc. Focus on your own life, become an independent person and be strong. Stop thinking he is IT. He doesn't want anything to with you anymore so don't be pathetic hoping or wishing for anything to do with him. He doesn't care about you anymore and wants you out of his life.

    Since both of you work together, all you can do is remain professional, civil and polite should your paths cross. Treat him with respect even if it's awkward or if he chooses to ignore you. Act natural yet distant.

  7. #6
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    thank you so much everyone, it is always heart warming to ask for help here ♡
    you're right, starting now i'll try to let go slowly even if it hurts, i need to work on myself first than think about being in a relationship again.
    thank you for your priceless advices!

  8. #7
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    Op it sounds like you need to mature a lot. Take a break from dating for a while. He sounds fed up of the drama so as mentioned I'd move on and remain civil at work.

    Work on your insecurities before entering another relationship.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. You seem to want a lot of attention and want a lot more out of this than he does. You're playing games and unfortunately it's backfiring. Pull back from all this and clear your head to reflect. Next time do not push this hard or smother someone this much.
    Originally Posted by Riri2019
    So i asked to break up, he was okay with it, but i felt some uncertainty in hiw reaction. It has already been a week, i blocked him on social applications, i wanted to rest my mind, but i feel broke and desperate.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You're hurting a whole lot. When I'm at that point of breaking, I usually challenge myself to absorb more. Absorb more - more positive influences around you, spend time with your family, hear thoughts and ongoings in your friends' lives. Engage a whole lot more and resist falling into a prolonged dark place. That's what I've found helps a lot. Life will throw you a lot of curve balls and many are not pleasant. If you feel yourself drowning, start swimming. The end of one relationship is a door to many other possibilities.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I think your instincts were right to break up, and I'd stop spinning around about a talk, because the question to consider is, what good would that do?

    Speaking only for myself, I only want someone who is 'all in'. While I can appreciate that passion can ebb and flow over the course of a relationship, what would I want with someone who would lay on me a lack of feelings, as though there's anything I can DO about that?

    Skip that, and skip him. If romeo ever reflects and decides that he somehow loves you after all, then he'll have no problem making sure that you're the first to know it. But really, how confident would you be in a person who can swing on a dime from love--to not love--to love again while putting YOU through a roller coaster ride?

    Sometimes love means considering your partner's feelings while working stuff out for yourself. Dumping an emotional burden on a lover when there's nothing they can do about it but feel lousy? That's not love, it's self indulgence, and I'd rather hold out for a lover who's more capable of decision making without knocking me down to do it for him.

    Head high.

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