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Thread: How to get over being possibly used as a rebound?

  1. #1
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    How to get over being possibly used as a rebound?

    I feel like the possibility that I was a rebound has hurt my self esteem loads...I know rejection is never anything personal per se but I can't get out of my own head that he only saw me because I was 'convenient'.
    Main reason why I think I was a possible rebound: he was only 2 months out of a 2 year relationship when we first started dating
    Reasons why I'm possibly not: we lived about 1.5 hours away from each other, so I was hardly the most 'convenient' of girls to date. Plus he was the one to do the dumping

    When we first started dating, he would make reference to something 'great' happening between us, going away together etc. And then suddenly, he's all 'I don't want a relationship right now'. Like a complete 180. Is it possible for people to think they're ready and then realise, actually, they're not? Ugh, the idea of being someone's rebound makes me feel so unattractive.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry for the hurt.

    How long were you two together? The tough thing about all relationships, regardless of the rebound business, is that, yes, people can go from genuinely believing themselves to be ready to genuinely no longer feeling that way. The reasons for that are numerous, from unprocessed past pain being stirred up to simply having doubts about compatibility to...well, the list is long.

    Knowing romance is always a risk, all we can do is try our best to assess the risk while trusting we’re strong enough to take whatever comes. Someone two months out of a two year relationship? Sure, there’s plenty of risk there, too much for many. But does that mean his 180 was because you were a “rebound”? Not necessarily.

    Sometimes it all just sucks, and I’m sorry you’re hurting. As you yourself said, rejection really isn’t a verdict on you but a verdict on someone else: who they are, where they are, and that, for whatever reason, they can’t keep stepping forward with you and alongside you. When I’ve been in your shoes I try to remind myself that the person I want to be with will also want to be with me, so someone choosing otherwise just means they’re not the someone for me.

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    Silver Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    It's possible he just said what he felt he needed to say to get you to sleep with him. He probably got bored of his 2 year relationship and just wanted to sleep around for a while and enjoy the single life.

    So probably not a rebound, but still used. Sorry I guess that does not feel any better.

    Never make yourself easy or convenient. Anything obtained easily does not feel as valuable.

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    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    In actuality, a guy might choose an LDR because he wants a short term relationship, and it's worth a few mini trips for sex, and then when he does the dumping, the woman is not around the corner so he's less likely to run into her around town, and she's less likely to show up at his workplace or home, begging for a second chance. I don't understand your statement that he was the one to do the dumping for why you weren't a rebound.

    Many of us have had frustrating and upsetting dating experiences. It's a life lesson. Make some dating rules for yourself to avoid rebound situations, LDRs, and any other red flags you encounter. I've certainly made many mistakes, and repeated them even, but now I appreciate my husband that much more after experiencing men who were not worthy of me, or right for me.

    It's pointless to try to get inside a person's head who is in your past. No matter the reason, he let wonderful you go, so he's the dumb one. Fate has someone better in store for you if you stick to a must-have list and reject people on the dealbreaker list. Take care.

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    Only about 1.5-2 months. thank you :(

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    The thing is, is I would believe that more so if all we did was have sex. But very often it was me initiating. And we'd still go on 'proper' dates etc

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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    In actuality, a guy might choose an LDR because he wants a short term relationship, and it's worth a few mini trips for sex, and then when he does the dumping, the woman is not around the corner so he's less likely to run into her around town, and she's less likely to show up at his workplace or home, begging for a second chance. I don't understand your statement that he was the one to do the dumping for why you weren't a rebound.

    Many of us have had frustrating and upsetting dating experiences. It's a life lesson. Make some dating rules for yourself to avoid rebound situations, LDRs, and any other red flags you encounter. I've certainly made many mistakes, and repeated them even, but now I appreciate my husband that much more after experiencing men who were not worthy of me, or right for me.

    It's pointless to try to get inside a person's head who is in your past. No matter the reason, he let wonderful you go, so he's the dumb one. Fate has someone better in store for you if you stick to a must-have list and reject people on the dealbreaker list. Take care.
    It's just difficult to think of myself as 'wonderful' in this scenario. I know I can never compete with an ex due to the fact that they have history etc etc but the idea of being used makes me feel so...gross? Like I'm just not pretty enough to actually want to DATE

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    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It's time to pull yourself out of the ditch and try not to victimize yourself. Feeling used doesn't feel good because it comes from a position of powerlessness and helplessness. Try looking at it this way: you are your own person, you made the decision to date him. You were an active participant. Your activity and decisions have led you to this point but it's not the end of the world. A person, at any time, does reserve the right to decide when a relationship is not right. You shouldn't be second guessing who you are or what your worth is.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I’ve never been a big fan of the idea of “being used” when it comes to these moments. Sure, there are exceptions, but more often than not there’s just the reality that humans are complicated and a sustained connection between strangers is rare.

    The early days are very fragile, and I think it’s always important to remember that almost anything can happen in the first 3 months or so: hot can go cold, sweet turns sour, charming turns out to be manipulative, affectionate becomes clingy, and so on, in the blink of an eye. You’re both still getting to know each other, figuring out if you can become a real thing or a thing that fades. When someone opts out it just means you weren’t meant to be, not that you can’t compete with an ex or aren’t pretty enough. It just means you met someone who is not a proper custodian to your awesomeness.

    These misfires, while painful, can help us fine tune our compass. That doesn’t mean we become brittle, cynical people wounded by being “used,” but just more careful about who we choose to open up to and how we go about the business of opening up.

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    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I also tend to think it's about at the 2 month mark that ex's circle back again. It doesn't mean they'll reconcile. Maybe they will. But breaking up rarely happens overnight. It's a process. You might have just been caught up in the middle of it.

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