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He keeps making vague comments about meeting up but no actual plans


skittles88

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So this guy that I went to high school with messaged me on Instagram almost a month ago. I had posted a picture of my vacation and he went there before so we chatted for a bit and then exchanged numbers. We weren’t friends in school, different friend group and different classes but knew of each other.

 

We have been texting with each other every day since I came back from my trip. He has made several comments about seeing each other but never made a plan. After one comment I asked him to grab a drink after work and he said he couldn’t because he had a family thing. Since then he made another comment about wanting to see me but he’s been very busy lately. I had thought that he just wasn’t interested but he still texts me every day. Do I try one more time to ask him? Or just pull back?

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It sounds like he’s only looking for a texting buddy.

 

The next time he texts you, I’d wait a bit before responding and I’d say something along the lines of, “I’m finding it super busy these days. But hey, if you want to discuss all of this in person let me know when you’re free”.

 

If he gets back to you with a proposed plan to meet-up, great. If he doesn’t, I wouldn’t bother responding to any more of his texts because he’s only looking for a pen-pal and isn’t serious about getting to know you in person.

 

Don’t let this guy waste your time.

 

Been there, done that.

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Yes, there's usually one or two reasons for a guy paying attention to you like this without an invite. Either he has a gf or wife and is crossing boundaries with this sort of communication, but he's not willing to cross the big boundary, or, he's just not that into you, but likes the ego boost that you're wanting a date with him, and it's a fun distraction for him to chat with a fan.

 

I'd set a personal time period that he has to ask you out by, no more than 2 weeks from now, and if he doesn't, you can either delete/block his number without explanation, or tell him that you're really not into text buddies--that you only have so much time in your day, and that you choose to spend it on longterm friends you regularly get together with, and potential dates.

 

No, I wouldn't ask him out again. You made the effort. The ball is in his court. I really don't think he'll follow through, though. A smart guy who is right for you will want to snap you up before anybody else has the chance. Hold out for someone who makes that happen.

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If he actually wanted to meet up with you, he would have already arranged it. It's that simple. Vague words mean nothing. Look at actions.

 

Even if he is shy and unsure, when you asked him, you gave him a flashing green light and opportunity to meet you. He rejected you. I say rejected because even if he was genuinely busy and not able to meet you that night, he had a perfect chance to suggest another concrete day and time. He did not. There is a term for what he is doing - stringing you along. Why? Who knows. Better question - is this how you want to be treated? I hope not. Stop wasting your time flattering his ego and take away a lesson from this - pay attention to what the guy is doing...or not doing in this case.

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It happens in platonic context too. Women who claim to want new friends but can’t be bothered to make specific plans. Waste of time if you want more than a text buddy. By contrast - real life example - met a woman at an event who is new in town. We exchanged contact info. I called her last week. She said lets put something on the calendar and if we have to reschedule we willThirty seconds later we had a plan for this Friday for coffee time and place. To me that is how it should work if you’re serious about meeting up in person.

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If you're more open the the idea of building a friendship with an old highschool classmate, that's fine (wouldn't place too much importance, just wait for him to come back at you when he's free). If you're looking for a man to date, he seems a bit busy to be preoccupied with dating. It's usually good form to come back with a counteroffer after declining someone's offer. If he wasn't ready to do that, it's fairly clear sign he's too busy or isn't as interested as he first appears.

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Are you sure you're not getting the wrong idea? You seem interested in him as more than friends and you have the impression he's interested in you too? That might not be the case...Often people contact people from high school largely out of curiosity and to "spy" on that person. To see what they've been up to since school, where do they work, are they married, where do they live. I recently had a girl I only briefly hung out with at school back in 1998, then moved away, find and request me on Facebook. She even lives in another state but she just said: "I just thought of *the country I'm from* and thought of you and wondered what you were up to!"

 

Sometimes people from our past contact us for curiosity's sake. They might not even be that hugely interested in a platonic friendship with us, let alone romance. I think you can see here that this guy is not that keen to meet you. I would say he's not that interested even to meet as friends but certainly his interest is not romantic because if it was, he'd be showing it.

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I guess I assumed there was some interest ( friendship or romantic) because he was the one who said the first comment about getting together. And then just other things he said..he texted me on a Monday to see what I was up to and when I said I was watching the Bachelor, he replied that he doesn’t like those shows but would watch them with me. I mentioned that I needed to go shopping for fall decor and he said he did too and we should go together. He also sends me selfies, him at the gym and one at work and another at the beach.

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I guess I assumed there was some interest ( friendship or romantic) because he was the one who said the first comment about getting together. And then just other things he said..he texted me on a Monday to see what I was up to and when I said I was watching the Bachelor, he replied that he doesn’t like those shows but would watch them with me. I mentioned that I needed to go shopping for fall decor and he said he did too and we should go together. He also sends me selfies, him at the gym and one at work and another at the beach.

 

That's weird. Sorry. There's no reason to send beach or gym selfies when you both haven't even met since highschool and there's no real friendship there at all. He sounds a bit like a unicorn - likes to prance around and illusive. I don't think he's serious about meeting up with you.

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Is he married/in a relationship? Sounds like by "family thing" he meant gf/wife. Sounds like he's looking for ego boosts not dating.

We have been texting with each other every day since I came back from my trip. He has made several comments about seeing each other but never made a plan. After one comment I asked him to grab a drink after work and he said he couldn’t because he had a family thing.

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You should re-evaluate your standards for what you will put up with as far as friendships or dating, otherwise you may find yourself doormatted often in interactions. Personally, I have no tolerance for flakes or wimps and this guy sounds like he meets both categories. Maybe you like that sort of thing or the idea of hoping he is interested. Even if he was, I'm not sure what he has shown in his actions that would be attractive to you.

 

That said, to prevent this from dragging on, call him out on his flakiness by suggesting a day and time to meet. If he doesn't accept or counter with a different day and time, that should give you everything you need to know about him which is that he will not follow-through. At that point, you may want to fade out from contact with him.

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Is he married/in a relationship? Sounds like by "family thing" he meant gf/wife. Sounds like he's looking for ego boosts not dating.

 

Yaaaaa this is what I was thinking too...things are a little boring with the relationship/ or an LDR so maybe looking for an emotional affair/attention.

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Ok thanks for the responses. I’m just frustrated because he’s the one that’s always texting me. Why keep checking in when you aren’t interested? It makes me feel extremely foolish.

 

Why? Because he can. Texting is easy and it's fun for him to see if you'll respond. So don't respond or respond politely "thanks for your text. I'm a bit too busy to text back and forth these days - perhaps we'll meet again -just let me know when you're free and we'll see if we can set up a plan."

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Ok thanks for the responses. I’m just frustrated because he’s the one that’s always texting me. Why keep checking in when you aren’t interested? It makes me feel extremely foolish.

 

Because texting is all he needs to feel fulfilled, without having to put in the extra effort of *gasp* meeting you face-to-face.

 

Maybe he likes the idea of having a pen pal, as well as the ego boost & attention, who knows. My guess is that texting with you makes him feel less lonely, and as if he has someone.

 

But the fact of the matter is, if this guy wanted to meet in person, he’d be making it happen, ASAP.

 

I’d back off from the texting entirely, and if you really want to test his intentions (or call his bluff), I’d recommend sending a text to him similar to what Batya suggested above. His response will tell you everything you need to know.

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Ok thanks for the responses. I’m just frustrated because he’s the one that’s always texting me. Why keep checking in when you aren’t interested? It makes me feel extremely foolish.

 

He's checking in because he is interested—interested, that is, in checking in, having you as someone he can check in with, banter with, shoot off a gym selfie to. It's not malicious. It's pretty typical in the age of smartphones. If he was interested in something aside from that, you'd have met up for a drink, gone shopping together, whatever.

 

So now you have all the power. You get to decide if this interests you or not. You can cut it off, you can let it fade, you can let it simmer, you can enjoy the poking and poke back, you can "push" him a bit to "test" how he responds. These exchanges are really only mysterious if we want them to be, if we make assumptions about someone's intentions instead of just focusing on what they are offering and doing.

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"In fact, a new study says that 75 percent of Americans admit to using their smartphones while on the toilet. Toilet texting is particularly popular among those 28 to 35-years-old, with a reported 91 percent of that age group admitting to the habit."

Who knows... he may be doing something you don't want to know about while texting :eek:
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"In fact, a new study says that 75 percent of Americans admit to using their smartphones while on the toilet. Toilet texting is particularly popular among those 28 to 35-years-old, with a reported 91 percent of that age group admitting to the habit."

 

Well, I was thinking of other things, but...

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