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Thread: Am I wrong?

  1. #1
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    Am I wrong?

    Hi all itís been a while since I have been on I wonít lie. I was in asking advice maybe about three months ago regarding getting back together with my wife. Anyway long story short I did but somethings are different/wrong/uncomfortable.

    We got back together but one thing she said to me was that she didnít have any interest in having sex or anything sexual. After a long discussion she then said she did have an interest but just needed time (ok Iíll admit I didnít get why) anyway I was alright with this as I love her to bits. So maybe about six weeks later she decided that she wanted to have sex which I was pleased about. When we did it was the most unlovable sex I have ever had with her but I said ok she is obviously dealing with something and doesnít want me to be involved (yes I tried to be but she wouldnít let me). Anyway maybe two and a bit weeks went past before we had any kind of intimacy again but again she initiated this. Well it turned out all we done was got each other off by using our hands. Again I was fine with this.

    Ok so now she went a bit funny on me and I asked her what was wrong, I was told that she didnít want to have any kind of sex or intimacy and she felt rushed even though it was her decision which I told her but she replied with she was just trying to make me happy.

    I am now unsure what is going on as we are back to no sex not even a cuddle or kiss has to be had. I have tried till Iím blue in the face to help or even get a reason but she just wonít open up to me about whatís going on.

    My wife has never really been keen on sex but we have been together for 20 odd years and itís never been a no go issue. She has also always been very prodey about sex, wonít talk about it, wonít watch it on tv finds any joke involving it unfunny and she definitely doesnít masterbate. if this makes sense.

    I on the other hand love sex and always have. I love making love to my wife as it makes me feel like we are more connected.
    This is the problem Iím having, I canít not have sex and itís killing me that this is happening and I feel Iím being very selfish but I canít help it. Iím seriously frustrated and even the site of my wife is driving me crazy knowing I canít even touch her.

    I hope I have explained myself without sounding like a proper idiot but I have so much to say and canít type it all down.

    Am I wrong? What should I do?

  2. #2
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    You need to give her some time. It takes a toll emotionally to break up and get back together. For women, often the emotional needs to be healed and sex will follow. Work on creating emotional intimacy. Talk about your feelings NOT regarding no sex but other feelings. If all you talk about is "Whats bothering you??" it feels confrontational. what about taking a day trip or doing things that you used to like to do together?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Can you explain why you were broken up prior? Or, should I go back and read your other thread(s)?

    Have you and your wife had any marital counselling since reconciling? If not, why not?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    What was difficult to understand was why you participated in escalating the first issue in your post #1 in the older thread (not this one). Why did you move out or leave the family home if you didn't do anything wrong? Surely you couldn't have been that accommodating or gullible as to leave just because your spouse asks you to leave and why would she ask you to leave in the first place? For someone "prodey" and not prone to over-excitement, her request for you to physically leave at any time seems a bit dramatic. What would cause her to do that? I understand you said you regretted it afterwards and this was painful for you. Please note I'm asking to try and understand where all this is stemming from. Did either of you revisit this first instance (first indication of marital break down) and talk about the cause of the moving or dysfunction?

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    Iíll be honest. She has no interest in hearing about my feeling and she has made this clear in the past. I donít mean this of her in a bad way she just said thatís not the kind of people we are.
    I have arranged stuff to do, run away in the car for a while as we used to love something so simple but she just found it boring. The other night we went out to the movies and ended up leaving 30 minutes into the film because she got angry over nothing to which I got the blame of.
    I am more than willing to give time and I told her this from the start, as I said she was the one who brought the subject up about us having sex again only to shot me back down.

    This may sound stupid but I am starting to feel very hurt by all this and not sure I actually want to be involved with my wife in this way again. Some of the things she has said about our sex life has made me feel very deflated.

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    It was a build up of things that just got on top of both of us. It was silly but we had to come to a clash at one point.
    And counselling is not an option as she doesnít wish to go. I brought this up a while back and it got shot down.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Timeout74
    Iíll be honest. She has no interest in hearing about my feeling and she has made this clear in the past. I donít mean this of her in a bad way she just said thatís not the kind of people we are.
    I have arranged stuff to do, run away in the car for a while as we used to love something so simple but she just found it boring. The other night we went out to the movies and ended up leaving 30 minutes into the film because she got angry over nothing to which I got the blame of.
    I am more than willing to give time and I told her this from the start, as I said she was the one who brought the subject up about us having sex again only to shot me back down.

    This may sound stupid but I am starting to feel very hurt by all this and not sure I actually want to be involved with my wife in this way again. Some of the things she has said about our sex life has made me feel very deflated.
    Then stop trying for a little bit. just go about your day and stop trying to win her over. Whatever you did - it will take time for her to heal from that. if she doesn't treat you any differently in a year, then consider leaving. Have you gone to personal counseling>

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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    What was difficult to understand was why you participated in escalating the first issue in your post #1 in the older thread (not this one). Why did you move out or leave the family home if you didn't do anything wrong? Surely you couldn't have been that accommodating or gullible as to leave just because your spouse asks you to leave and why would she ask you to leave in the first place? For someone "prodey" and not prone to over-excitement, her request for you to physically leave at any time seems a bit dramatic. What would cause her to do that? I understand you said you regretted it afterwards and this was painful for you. Please note I'm asking to try and understand where all this is stemming from. Did either of you revisit this first instance (first indication of marital break down) and talk about the cause of the moving or dysfunction?
    Unfortunately I was that gullible to leave as I thought I was doing the correct thing. I personally hadnít done anything wrong, we were both having silly arguments and I had just had enough. No excuses but I had not long started a new job and the shifts were knocking the life out me and making me. My head and mind was all over the place and the breakup just made it 100 times worse.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    In either of these post do you explain what led to breakdown to begin with. That might help explain why your wife feels so disconnected to you and without that connection she doesn't feel sexually motivated.

    Nature is a little unfair at times. Men often need sex to feel connected, while women need to be connected to feel sexual.

    Have you two been to marriage counseling?

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Timeout74
    Unfortunately I was that gullible to leave as I thought I was doing the correct thing. I personally hadnít done anything wrong, we were both having silly arguments and I had just had enough. No excuses but I had not long started a new job and the shifts were knocking the life out me and making me. My head and mind was all over the place and the breakup just made it 100 times worse.
    This is a start. New jobs take time to adjust to. You should never be ashamed of your job or shift work especially if it means paying the bills and ensuring your family and you get to eat. If the issues were financial in any way, don't be afraid to engage with someone who can help with sorting any difficulties or planning ahead especially when it comes to paying down debt and securing your assets from further risk. Her aversion to sex is bizarre and we may break it down into either/or/both: 1) physical discomfort severe enough to cause her to avoid sex or 2) psychological issues regarding sex or physical intimacy.

    You're not her GP or her psychologist so I'd refrain from working out why her reactions are this way. It appears that she's shot down or refused counselling or marriage counselling. She may be inadvertently or purposely controlling you. You need to decide whether this relationship is fulfilling enough for you going forward and create better/healthier ways of managing your expectations if you choose to stay.

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