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Thread: Am I wrong?

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by Purdy
    Timeout74, i haven't read any of your other threads but this one so i don't have a clear view of what's all transpired. however, based on your need to see if anyone else has been through this i wanted to respond.

    my husband and i are in a failing marriage currently but one thing that is not a problem is intimacy. in fact, it makes things difficult because we are so drawn to one another. he's the one who is considering ending the marriage, not me. still i struggle to turn him down when he wants sex because we both enjoy each other so much. we have an unbelievable connection when we have sex.

    in fact, it's probably our one major positive of our marriage. just this weekend he said he never wanted to stop having sex with me because it makes him feel closer to me. i wasn't sure what to think of that since he's the one considering ending our marriage.

    have you and your wife ever had any strong chemistry physically?
    Iím truly sorry to hear your marriage is breaking down as I can say I know a little how that feels. It tears your world apart.

    Itís strange he wants to end things when you have this connection in my mind. I may be weird but itís the a thing I feel makes me feel connected and loved not the only thing but itís a big part for me.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by Timeout74
    Itís strange he wants to end things when you have this connection in my mind. I may be weird but itís the a thing I feel makes me feel connected and loved not the only thing but itís a big part for me.
    i don't think you're weird. my husband says his number one thing is sex. it's how he feels connected and loved by a woman. i think it's a very common thing.

    yea it sucks. i'm sure he worries if he will find the connection we have in the bedroom with someone new. i know it's something i worry about all the time. if our marriage doesn't get a miracle and ends, i will absolutely miss having sex with him! shoot it might keep me up at night thinking about it.

    how have you been able to live with your wife like this for most of your marriage? i know you said it's really bad now but it seems like sex was never her thing. and if you're such a physical person, how have you been able to manage for so long? maybe she's not comfortable with her body? sex is such a vulnerable thing

  3. #23
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Timeout74
    Iím totally not baiting anybody Iím just looking to see if anybody has a similar experience thatís all.
    Itís a hard situation to try and explain over a keyboard.
    During the breakdown of my marriage, I didn't want to have sex with my husband. Much like yours, we didn't communicate, issues that were between us went unresolved. I had visual, for every unresolved misunderstanding there was brick that was added to the already insurmountable wall that stood between us. If that wall had a name, it's name was resentment.

    Instead of working on an emotional, intimate relationship that would have otherwise cultivated a loving connection, that would lead to wanting to have sex, my ex felt entitled to having sex. There is nothing more that could turn me off than an entitled attitude about it.

    My guess is she doesn't have an issue with sex. I am sorry but she might have an issue with having sex with you.

    My ex wouldn't go to counseling, so I did. After all, it was my problem (I was told) At some point he changed his mind, went a couple times and when he realized he/we might have to make some changes in how we interacted as a couple, which would require compromise, honestly and transparency, he didn't want to go therapy and he wanted me to stop. (I didn't)

    I am trying to not project my situation on to yours, but what I do know for sure is there is no possible way to feel intimately connected as a couple unless the two of you forensically unfold all these things that you won't or can't talk about. You can't have it both ways.

    Go to counseling alone if she won't go.
    Do something, do something different because what you are currently doing isn't working.

  4. #24
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    I need to ask from a females point of view and ok I may be a bit late but Iíve never had to deal with this before.

    If my wife wonít tell me or give me any clue to whatís going on what would cause her to act like this. I really want to get us past this and I certainly donít want to loose my wife.

    Somebody mentioned above to leave it a while which I am doing but when they mentioned a year Iím sorry but I couldnít deal with this for a year. I find my wife very attractive and just want to love her the best I can but I canít have a no sex marriage.

    Try and help me understand why she might be acting this way towards me and sex as I really donít feel like I warrant this kind of treatment, thatís not such a guy comment I just need some pointers as to whatís maybe going on.

    I am a nice guy, I always do my best to make her happy and do nice things for her. I make her tea and breakfast, I do all the housework and I mean all. Clean the house, do all the clothes washings, do the dishes, I take care of the animals in the house, I do all the cooking as well as home repairs and home improvements. Now you people donít know me from Adam but Iím being totally honest.

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  6. #25
    Silver Member trezeralietas's Avatar
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    When my marriage was falling apart, I was repulsed by the idea of sex with my husband. We were incredibly disconnected on a fundamental mental/emotional level. When he and I would break down and have a real heart to heart, usually one that ended with us saying we thought our marriage was over, I'd suddenly feel so much closer to him... Probably because we were speaking our truths and completely honest with each other--even if the honesty was that we were deeply unhappy and didn't want to stay together.

    The ironic thing is, then our sex life would improve and we'd have a little honeymoon period for a few months in which things felt good again and we'd be "happy" until our resentments would start to quietly build up and our communication would break down and the sex would dwindle. He'd push for sex and I'd push for truthful connection and communication, and the cycle would repeat until we were finally so exhausted, we ended it.

    When our marriage ended, I thought I'd be fine if I never had sex again. I thought I didn't care about it at all. I was wrong. Our failed sex life has everything to do with our failed emotional life. We lost trust, respect, and transparency through the years. As those slipped away, so did the desire (for me) for sex. I always felt baffled by his desire for me when I felt so repulsed. I think it's because I couldn't fathom having sex with someone I felt so distant from. And the idea that he still wanted sex seemed like he just wanted a warm body (not necessarily me) to get his rocks off. I'll never know. We never truly resolved it, except to realize we were profoundly unhappy together. I wish I had a better answer.

    But, I guarantee you she feels unsafe in your marriage and completely emotionally disconnected from you and your continued desire for sex is just pushing her farther away. My advice is to try to understand her frustrations, her fears, her hopes, her dreams, and also tell her those things about yourself. Be honest. Face the fact that your relationship might be too far gone. Maybe you two need to free each other or maybe truly connecting emotionally will open up other avenues of closeness.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by trezeralietas
    When my marriage was falling apart, I was repulsed by the idea of sex with my husband. We were incredibly disconnected on a fundamental mental/emotional level. When he and I would break down and have a real heart to heart, usually one that ended with us saying we thought our marriage was over, I'd suddenly feel so much closer to him... Probably because we were speaking our truths and completely honest with each other--even if the honesty was that we were deeply unhappy and didn't want to stay together.

    The ironic thing is, then our sex life would improve and we'd have a little honeymoon period for a few months in which things felt good again and we'd be "happy" until our resentments would start to quietly build up and our communication would break down and the sex would dwindle. He'd push for sex and I'd push for truthful connection and communication, and the cycle would repeat until we were finally so exhausted, we ended it.

    When our marriage ended, I thought I'd be fine if I never had sex again. I thought I didn't care about it at all. I was wrong. Our failed sex life has everything to do with our failed emotional life. We lost trust, respect, and transparency through the years. As those slipped away, so did the desire (for me) for sex. I always felt baffled by his desire for me when I felt so repulsed. I think it's because I couldn't fathom having sex with someone I felt so distant from. And the idea that he still wanted sex seemed like he just wanted a warm body (not necessarily me) to get his rocks off. I'll never know. We never truly resolved it, except to realize we were profoundly unhappy together. I wish I had a better answer.

    But, I guarantee you she feels unsafe in your marriage and completely emotionally disconnected from you and your continued desire for sex is just pushing her farther away. My advice is to try to understand her frustrations, her fears, her hopes, her dreams, and also tell her those things about yourself. Be honest. Face the fact that your relationship might be too far gone. Maybe you two need to free each other or maybe truly connecting emotionally will open up other avenues of closeness.
    Hard pill to swallow but you may be correct. Itís just not something I can think about for some reason as I donít want it to end. I have been with my wife for 20+ years and she is my whole life.
    I donít think I can even begin to think how I would feel if she ended up with another man, that would tear me to shreds for sure. She did say if our marriage did end she would never have anything to do with another man but from what youíve said I gather you maybe said the same.

    Iím just totally lost and have no idea where to go with it all and canít get my head round the whole thing. Itís eating away at me and I donít know what to do to try and save things from going to far gone as that is the very last thing I want.

    I always thought we would grow old together but itís not looking that way now.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You're on the verge of divorce with her asking you to move out. You haven't gone to marriage therapy and you're wondering why she's been cold sexually?

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by Timeout74
    Hard pill to swallow but you may be correct. Itís just not something I can think about for some reason as I donít want it to end. I have been with my wife for 20+ years and she is my whole life.
    I donít think I can even begin to think how I would feel if she ended up with another man, that would tear me to shreds for sure. She did say if our marriage did end she would never have anything to do with another man but from what youíve said I gather you maybe said the same.

    Iím just totally lost and have no idea where to go with it all and canít get my head round the whole thing. Itís eating away at me and I donít know what to do to try and save things from going to far gone as that is the very last thing I want.

    I always thought we would grow old together but itís not looking that way now.
    i'm so so sorry you are going through this. i know what you mean by the thought of your spouse with someone else tearing you to shreds as i can relate to those thoughts and feelings.

    it's like, how can you even fathom a future without them when they were the future you planned? please know you're not alone in your pain as i am right there with you.

    i've just been giving my husband space and patience in our situation. i'm not one to jump the gun and take immediate steps to divorce someone because they hurt me. divorce regret is a REAL thing and it scares me. i wouldn't be able to cope the rest of my life with the guilt of "what if i just road out that bumpy road, we could still be together".

    i truly meant my vows when i said "for better or worse" and i'm doing my best to love him in his worst. i hope he sees that someday.

    from what you've wrote, i think your wife will see how you loved her through it all. the question is, will you be together when she does. that's a question, i don't have an answer for yet either. you're not alone

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by Purdy
    i'm so so sorry you are going through this. i know what you mean by the thought of your spouse with someone else tearing you to shreds as i can relate to those thoughts and feelings.

    it's like, how can you even fathom a future without them when they were the future you planned? please know you're not alone in your pain as i am right there with you.

    i've just been giving my husband space and patience in our situation. i'm not one to jump the gun and take immediate steps to divorce someone because they hurt me. divorce regret is a REAL thing and it scares me. i wouldn't be able to cope the rest of my life with the guilt of "what if i just road out that bumpy road, we could still be together".

    i truly meant my vows when i said "for better or worse" and i'm doing my best to love him in his worst. i hope he sees that someday.

    from what you've wrote, i think your wife will see how you loved her through it all. the question is, will you be together when she does. that's a question, i don't have an answer for yet either. you're not alone
    I had a quick read through your post and it seems Iím facing a few very similar issues as you, Iím dealing with very similar acts and feelings from my wife and I feel the same as you as not wanting it to end.
    From what I read of yours and this is from a male point of view I couldnít even think about doing to my wife that he is doing to you, seems very unfair and confusing on you.
    I do think my wife realistically knows that I love her and would do anything for her but I fear she doesnít feel the same. Itís like she has some kind of resentment towards me and I canít think why, she says she doesnít but always seems to pick faults in me these days for silly things and I mean silly.
    The one thing I have really noticed is she guards her phone for dear life, I highly doubt anything is going on but I do think she is discussing our problems with other people as she did do this before which made me mad as hell because to me what is happening is private. You could say ďwell Iím on here discussing itĒ but thatís not the same in my book, I donít know you people personally. She was discussing our private life with people we both have as friends which made it very awkward for me as I had been made out to be the bad one because I left. I only left because it was becoming to much and I didnít want my daughter to see this.

    I am now thinking I should take a leaf out your book and start looking into the what if situation as I think this is the road itís going as once again today I tried to have a discussion about us not communicating and I got fobbed off with an excuse then she left and came back an hour later🙄

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    You're on the verge of divorce with her asking you to move out. You haven't gone to marriage therapy and you're wondering why she's been cold sexually?
    I havenít gone because she has no desire to. I made all the arrangements and appointments but ended up having to cancel them.

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