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Thread: Not sure about getting married

  1. #1
    Member nycdoctor's Avatar
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    Not sure about getting married

    It been 8 years since I got divorced. I haven't been in serious relationship until the last year and a half.. I had 4-5 short term relationship that last about 3-4 months. I am 52 years old and I will be 53 soon. In one hand, I am tired of being alone, and in the other, I want to be relationship.

    So here is the problem. I been going out with this Chinese woman who is 20 years younger than me. I have been going with her for over 1.5 years. I have to decide soon to either marry her or let her go. She is beautiful, skinny, educated, no debt, and wants to get married as well. I do love her, she tell me she love me, but I am not sure. I do have a trust issue with her. The first few month were tough. She has lied to me, slept with other men, kept secrets from me. I feel more like her parent than a partner. Just recently we are having great sex and she starting to cook and do other stuff for me. We were suppose to get married last Sept, but then one of her secrets came out again. She went back to China and then came back in April. We been seeing each other again since then. She told me she changed. My mom told me not to see her again, but I didn't listen. I know she feel that she isn't the one for me. We already have a pre nup.



    I feel like I am not ready, but then again...since I have been alone for so long, maybe I am afraid to commit and get married again. My biggest fear


    -she might leave like my ex wife did
    -I will be more like her parent
    -someone better might might come around
    -she will be unfaithful

    -she will drain my money


    Her visa will expire in October. I have to decide by the end of this month if I want to marry her or let forget this. I don't know what to do. Every woman I have been with, I had problems with. No one is perfect. I haven't been getting a lot of responds in the dating app.



    So the choice is either I marry her and take a chance or take a chance in the hopes that in a few years I will meet someone again who wants to get married but at that time again. I will be even be more older. I am so confused.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Her visa will expire? No wonder she got serious with you. This is what I always say to someone who is undecided....what advice would you give your best buddy or brother if they were in your position? And that will be your answer.

  3. #3
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    The standard is not at all "well there are always problems" -no one is perfect, true. But it takes you deciding in a particular situation whether the particular flaws/imperfections are actually dealbreakers -for you -not for anyone else -for you. Some things are easy to label as dealbreakers for most people just like some things are ridiculous to label as dealbreakers. You can''t sweep it under the rug with "no one is perfect". In my personal opinion this is a no brainer -she is not a good match for you. It's obvious. And I just turned 53, married 10 years to a wonderful man who married me even though we'd cancelled our wedding several years earlier. For some that might have been a deal breaker -insane to give that another chance - but we knew we should and we knew why we should and so far so good/great! I'll mention FWIW that if we'd broken up because of lies or cheating I would not have tried again.

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    If you already have a prenup, I think its time to break up.

    find a woman a little closer to your age - even at least 40 and still "younger" - because right now it seems that her beauty and skinniness you speak of is causing you to not act upon more serious red flags. you *are* at risk of "parenting" a woman young enough to be your daughter.

    She wants a VISA. But break up now - not days before it expires

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  6. #5
    Silver Member Camber 2019's Avatar
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    "Hello... McFly... is anyone in there?"

    Seriously... you can't see that she is using you to stay in the US? Lean closer so I can smack some sense into you man!

  7. #6
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    o the choice is either I marry her and take a chance or take a chance in the hopes that in a few years I will meet someone again who wants to get married but at that time again. I will be even be more older. I am so confused.

    you will be older, but you can still meet someone. Unless its code for "i will be too old to find a young, nubile woman that could be my daughter's age." A man in his 50s can certainly find plenty of women in their 40s-50s to date.

  8. #7
    Silver Member Camber 2019's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    A man in his 50s can certainly find plenty of women in their 40s-50s to date.
    There are PLENTY of women around here that are in their 50s and 60s and are knockouts!

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'd suspect she knows what she's doing and she enjoys twisting you around her little finger. It's probably a good idea to reconsider seeing or dating her. I think your self-esteem is extraordinarily low and you may be drawn in by her qualities on paper. It's easy to report back to friends and family how educated someone is, their dress size and financial health.

    What isn't easy talking about are all the daily doubts she causes in you, the effect of the age difference between the both of you and your worries over her spending habits which you cannot prove quantifiably unless you were to, for example, point out how many purses she collects or how many Hello Kitty stuffed dolls she secretly hides under her duvet (if you were to do so, you'd just look maniacal and controlling). I'd withdraw and date around, meet new women more around your age range who are more established in their lives. You may have to be more open-minded in the process and willing to see past a person's weight or ethnicity.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    :( This woman is using you and she has little to no respect for you. She has cheated on you lied, played around, and you are feeling like her parent (no wonder!!)

    Please up your standards, no one in their right mind would stay with a woman like this. She will ruin your life more than she has already.

    You can't be this desperate. I really do hope you get some sense and walk away. She can go back home. She's a life ruiner.

  11. #10
    Bronze Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    Let me provide you some perspective from a British Chinese dude pretty well informed about my motherland.

    China today is not the China of 20 years ago, or even 10 years ago. The age of American and European worship is over, the allure of emigrating abroad has faded for most modestly successful Chinese people, because Beijing, Shanghai and Shenzhen are already world class cities with comparable income levels to developed countries, and numerous other cities will be catching up in the years to come. I met a Chinese girl in Singapore, we hit it off and talked about possible futures living in China or the UK, but she is adamant that no matter where we live, she actually does not want UK citizenship if we were to get married, because she wants her children to hold Chinese citizenship, because she believes that they will have a better chance of obtaining a life of prosperity in China than the UK. I do not disagree. Growth and opportunity is in Asia.

    Why is this relevant? You say your girl is educated? Where? Are you sure? If she has lied about other things, what do you know for sure that is true? Because no offence, but it is quite unbelievable that a 30-something beautiful and well educated Chinese girl would so desperately want to marry an American guy over 20 years older than her if she had her sh.. sorted out in China.

    To be blunt, it looks pretty obviously like she's screwed up her life in China, maybe always relied on men to pay for her lifestyle instead of building her own career, and now that she's over 30, her value has plummeted in China (not a politically correct place at all) even if she is pretty. So now she is looking abroad for rich Americans with Yellow Fever. You are her entry ticket to the US. Once she's got that green card, you will have lost your power over her. She has already cheated on you before, she will do so again.

    I'm sorry dude, she is just using you. Marrying her would be a big mistake if you wanted a loving partner for the rest of your life.

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