how can i turn this around?

I was dating this girl for 4 months. About a month ago we were getting pizza. I ran into get it, she looked through my texts and saw one from a guy friend of mine she didn’t like. He was rude to her a few months back. When I got back in the car she asked me if I’d ever talked to him. I said no because I hadn’t. The last time we had an actual conversation I asked him to apologize to her and he said he wouldn’t. Coincidentally he had invited me and another friend to his house earlier in the week. Maybe it was an attempt to reach out to me. Maybe he just didn’t consider our last conversation. He’s a very oblivious person which is why he ended up offending her. He says and does things that a person just shouldn't do at 26. He's cocky to the point of being arrogant and always thinks he right even though he never is. (I've known him since 6th grade and our parents are neighbors.) However, I didn’t go because I was going to be hanging out with my girlfriend. So I replied to the invite saying “maybe, probably going out though.” After that I never really thought about it again because it wasn’t important. I would have told her about it if it was. She never explicitly asked me to not be friends with this kid. I took it upon myself to tell him we weren't going to be around each other if he didn't apologize.

So to make a long story short, she’s mad that I lied to her about speaking to this guy even though it was literally a 2 text exchange between us. As I said I hadn’t talked to him for months out of respect for her because he said he wouldn’t apologize. We fought that night. I tried to apologize and explain that I didn’t lie with any malice in my heart, I just didn’t think it was something worth telling. This was Saturday night. Sunday morning we spoke over text still arguing then we didn’t speak until Tuesday. She said she would give me another chance. On Thursday night she sent me this nice text saying “I’m sorry for being so distant but when you lied it crushed me.” She also said she wished we were together laying under the stars. I was very touched and reiterated how much I care for her and how much I regret the argument. Friday afternoon she texted me again and asked me to call her because she needed to talk. She told me how she was thinking we needed to take some time off and just be friends for a while. You see, she was in a two year relationship before ours. When we started up she had only been out of it for a few months. She once hinted that it had gotten pretty brutal for a while. So it felt like at times she was comparing me to her ex. She said she needed time to think about what she wants and that she needed to be single.

However, it’s worth noting that a few weeks earlier she had told me that she was falling in love with me and how she feels safe with me and how she a future together. And that she trust's me. It’s also worth noting that it was her idea to have sex the first time and become official. The original plan was to wait, establish ourselves and then move on to the physical relationship. I was fine with that. The night it happened I constantly asked her if she was sure she wanted to take that step.

I’ve tried to reach out a couple times. Admittedly, it was probably too much.

The first time it was because she had left some stuff at my house and I asked if she wanted it. Also, we had booked a trip together and I wanted to know if I should cancel it. I didn't want to but she told me I should. Then I tried to explain that I miss her and want to work through the issue. That we don't have to throw everything away. She responded by saying she didn't know what I wanted her to say. That she asked me for space and that I only gave it to her for a a few days. And that I was only going to push her away more by being emotional. Then I didn't contact her for a week.

I noticed that she had Venmo'd me money. I didn't know what it was for so I asked, turns out it was half the cancellation fee. After a few messages back and forth I sent this:

I’m not sure if this is the right thing to do. But I’ve been thinking about what happened between us and I really regret it. I should have handled it differently. The interaction I had with him was insignificant to me but I should have thought about you. l should have just told you when you asked me about it. There was no malice, I just wasn’t thinking clearly. I should I have told him again that there would be no hanging out until he apologized to you because you’re the one who is important to me. I understand why you feel betrayed. And you’re right, I was less than trustable and I apologize. But I can be better. I pray this isn’t done for forever.

She didn't respond. I let my emotions get the best of me and messaged her a couple more times. I shouldn't have.

When she responded about 2 days later, she told me to let it go. However, she also once told me that she likes people who are persistent.

Literally the night before, she was talking to me about how good we were together and talking about “our wedding” and “our kids” and how she picked out names already. A few weeks before that she told me she was falling in love with me and how she could see a future together.

But now we are on break or broken up or whatever because she needs time to think. I don’t know if we’re done. Obviously, I don’t want to be. All the things she said she felt for me, I felt for her. And I think the whole argument was so stupid that it doesn’t matter who was right and who was wrong. I just want her back but she’s very stubborn. I just need to know if there is anything I can do to change things for the better? The people I’ve asked in my personal life have all said this isn’t my fault and that I really didn’t do anything. They said she’d contact me when she’s ready. But I’m so anxious over it. It’s all I think about. I genuinely liked/like this girl and I don’t want to see a relationship that I know can be good if we gave it a fair chance, free from all the insecurities. I’m not saying that I did everything correctly I know what I need to improve on my part. But I know she has trust issues and that she feels like somehow I broke her trust. I honestly didn't think that declining and invitation was anything I needed to tell her about. She said she looked at my phone because I told her I didn't have anything to hide, which I didn't think I did. I know its her job to learn to trust again and that all I can do is give her a target. Letting her know that I'm a safe space.

So it's been 2 weeks since I tried to reach out to her. I was going to try to reach out again yesterday but then I decided maybe another week or so.

Never let anyone manipulate you like this, no less snoop through your phone or tell you who your friends should be. It doesn't matter if she's hot or offers you sex, she's a problem and you need to lose her or start standing up for yourself.

Sounds like she wasn't ready to date when she met you since she was comparing you to ex.

Let her go.

Find woman that is truly single.

I agree with the other posters.

She sounds like a psycho with major issues. She’s acting like she’s 16. SHE invaded YOUR privacy, set YOU up with a test question, and then called YOU a liar simply because you didn’t consider a 1-text response to be the same thing as having talked to someone. (I don’t either and I wouldn’t have thought to tell her about the text either).

She has no business going through your phone, no right to dictate who you can and can’t talk to (or text), and she’s throwing a major temper tantrum and you’re totally bending over backward for her!!

Seriously, let her go. A year or two down the line, she would’ve been so controlling that you would’ve had no friends and no life outside of her.

Set better boundaries next time!

She's saying all those "lovey" things about marriage and children to manipulate you into doing whatever she says...

She is going to destroy you if you continue with her. 2 weeks NC, I would just accept the loss and walk away...

She seems young and insecure. That combination is enough to appear psycho and manipulative. Both of you have your whole lives ahead of each of you. I think it's best not to overanalyze her at this point because she does not appear to want to level with you and is not as invested in the relationship at all. Learn to draw back when you sense that someone isn't as invested and be a bit smarter about knowing what's appropriate (what deserves your attention and what doesn't).

She was clear with you that she likely wasn't ready for a relationship and wanted to be single. She went against her better judgment fantasizing about a life with you and you also went against your better judgment knowing that she has difficulty with trusting someone (more than you, it seems).

Stop jumping through hoops to be with someone and making excuses for bad behaviour. There's understanding and then there's being a doormat. Learn to draw the line and understand what's best for your wellbeing. I would hate to think what old age would do to either of you as a couple: someone forgets that they called pool maintenance or the roofing company to fix the house and the other person devolves into a fit. Take it easy and take things with a grain of salt too.

Thanks everyone for your advice. I've never been this way over a relationship before. I probably sound whiny and that's not me.

I don't know what will happen in the future but I just can't seem to let go of this. I do think she cared about me. I cared for her, obviously. I just also think she's scared. She mentioned once that it all seemed to good to be true.

It may sound silly but I'm willing to help her with any emotional baggage she has. But I know there isn't much I can do besides giving her space and time to find herself, give her a target or a place that is safe and true .

And I think at times she did see that. I never gave her a reason to not trust me. I'm a very honest guy, I just don't see a need to lie about anything. So by her saying that I lied, it just hurt because I really don't believe I did. I don't think most people would consider one text declining and invite in a group text talking. I just wish there was a way to convince her that I was trying to deceive her.

I can see where you're coming from but it seems a bit mixed up. I understand you're willing to "help" but you should also be recognizing when that help is inappropriate and when you're doing it for self-serving reasons (to boost your ego or to make yourself feel better). She cut you down and hurt you by calling you a liar. Not only is the trust damaged between the both of you but you're offended that you appear not to be a trustworthy person to someone who matters to you. I'd be cautious about vindicating yourself versus remaining hopeful or helpful for the wrong reasons (your own personal reasons).

It's not healthy in general to want to be someone's personal helper or take on proving the greatness of the human race and restoring trust to her damaged sense of reality and self. Those lovely outcomes may be byproducts of a loving and healthy relationship but it shouldn't be your reason for hanging on for her especially when someone shows you he/she is not interested in you.

In no way am I simply trying to boost my ego. I really don't have an ego. If I wanted to do that I would have moved on and met someone else. Like I said, I genuinely care about this girl. Its not about sex or anything, its about the connection and that we shared. And I find it hard to believe you can go from falling in love with a person to hating them in one day over something as small as this was.

It sounds like she has a bit of a controlling, manipulative and dramatic side, tbh.

I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s playing games and expecting you to jump through hoops to get her back.

Don’t play into her trap and fall for it. I’d stop reaching out and leave her be.

If she wants to get in contact with you, she knows how. And even if she does reach out to you, it doesn’t sound like she’s in the best place for a healthy relationship right now.

Good heavens, do you ever need a backbone, man.

This girl invaded your privacy, staged a fight and requested "space." This is an absurd over-reaction and something tells me she had an agenda and was looking for a way out anyway. Perhaps her ex has come back around and she's considering taking him back, and rathet than being honest, tried to blame you for her distance. It is arse-backwards that she is talking about giving you another chance when she hasn't behaved maturely or rationally herself. It is also silly that she's talking marriage and kids in the midst of all this, but it tells me she is young. If not biologically, then emotionally.

She doesn't want you to convince her you weren't being malicious. That wouldn't serve whatever her real purpose here is and would force her to be honest that she wants out for another reason. Be very wary of people who behave this way, OP. They're not good relationship candidates, which you might just learn the hard way.

In no way am I simply trying to boost my ego. I really don't have an ego. If I wanted to do that I would have moved on and met someone else. Like I said, I genuinely care about this girl. Its not about sex or anything, its about the connection and that we shared. And I find it hard to believe you can go from falling in love with a person to hating them in one day over something as small as this was.

The thing is that this isn't a small thing. You are seeing for the first time how she handles conflict. She breached your privacy, went through your phone, set you up to fail and attacked and assassinated your character....over what? She did all this on purpose, as in consciously and intentionally. I don't think she is just a fragile flower here, I do think she is the perpetrator and to think otherwise would be a painful mistake on your part.

I realize that when you have had a seemingly great connection and great relationship, being hit with this kind of behavior is blindsiding and very difficult to process. You want to go back to what was. You want to sweep this all under the rug and pretend it didn't happen...but it did and this is serious stuff and seriously horrible behavior on her end. Is this how you want to be treated?

As difficult as this is to process, you are seeing the other side of the coin, the dark side. Truth be told, you don't even know what really happened between her and her ex. Manipulative people are very good at making themselves out to be a victim. Perhaps the truth is that her relationship was a conflict filled nightmare because this is how she acts.

Bottom line is she disrespected you, broke the trust in your relationship, assassinated your character and then went awol. You DO NOT reach out to her ever again. If she ever does, it better be with serious apologies to you and a clear plan forward on what she is doing to control herself and ensure she never ever acts like that again. You also would need to make crystal clear to her that if you give this another shot, she can never act like that again. This is her big one and there isn't a two. If she ever acts out like this again, you'll dump her with extreme prejudice. It's on her to heal this relationship....assuming she even comes back.

The other part of this is that sometimes people act like this because they already meant to break up with you, but instead of just being civil and kind about it, they have to create a fight, create some reason that makes their partner the bad person so they can break up. It's not healthy, but it happens often. You need to consider this possibility as well.

I'm sorry you are in a difficult mess. Big internet hugs to you as you sort this out.

Sorry but she sounds like a real barracuda 🦈

Sorry but she sounds like a real barracuda 🦈

"..You lying so low in the weeds

I bet you gonna ambush me

You'd have me down, down, down on my knees

Now wouldn't you, Barracuda?"

OP, this is exactly how this looks from the outside:

Her: Do you remember everything you did yesterday?

You: For the most part, yeah.

Her: Did you push a red button at all?

You: No, I don’t think so.

Her: WRONG. The power button on the television remote is red and I saw you watching tv. You’re a liar! I can’t trust you!

You: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to lie.

Her: No, I need some space from you. I can’t believe you’d do this. Please don’t contact me.

Now do you see how crazy she is??

OP, this is exactly how this looks from the outside:

 

Her: Do you remember everything you did yesterday?

 

You: For the most part, yeah.

 

Her: Did you push a red button at all?

 

You: No, I don’t think so.

 

Her: WRONG. The power button on the television remote is red and I saw you watching tv. You’re a liar! I can’t trust you!

 

You: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to lie.

 

Her: No, I need some space from you. I can’t believe you’d do this. Please don’t contact me.

 

 

 

Now do you see how crazy she is??

You forgot the rest of his part:

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, please come back!"

OP, run like the wind. Seriously.

Something wrong with this girl! Be glad its over, block and move on!

If someone went through my phone without my permission, they'd be shown the door immediately. As they would if they then accused me of betraying them and trying to control who I am or am not speaking to. Man, she's not the one whose trust has been betrayed - you are!

This is controlling, manipulative behaviour and you have nothing to apologise for. She's mentioned that she likes people who are persistent - in other words, people she can trample all over, secure in the knowledge they'll keep coming back. Don't be that guy.

Nobody on here knows what's really going on for her as she resists your contact, but you need to see this as the lucky escape it actually is - and run. And don't look back!