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Thread: How to go from break up during a break to back together

  1. #81
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    Originally Posted by TestTest
    Not sure why it is entitlement - it's basically what my friends are saying. They tell me she is being a witch right now and that it's not cool what she is doing. Are they just trying to make me feel better? I don't know

    Also she literally owes me something 😉
    You could contact her with a repayment agreement. You could use Android or Apple Pay or some other electronic platform so there's no need to meet up to get the payments. If you want to be amenable to what she chooses to pay you monthly of course that is up to you.

    The "things" you mentioned she has of yours...well, you've been living for what, several weeks without them so they're probably not absolutely necessary in order for you to conduct your life. So you could give her the option of shipping them to you or you can choose to just live without them.

    I know you want the money and "things" to keep you attached to her, but if some time in the future the two of you were to revisit the relationship wouldn't you want it to be with a completely clean slate? Not because of money or "things"?

  2. #82
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    How exactly is she being a witch right now, OP?

  3. #83
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    Yeah that clean slate is why I want to have my things and give her hers so that there really is nothing connecting us anymore.
    And the disrespect is just because everyone else in my life is telling me that what she is doing is not cool when there are unresolved "things" between you. Also my friends are far from as pessimistic as you guys that one would need anything in writing - it's obvious what the right thing to do is and she should act accordingly. If she doesn't that's a sign of character then. That's all I mean with being respectful. Not wanting to be with me is ok - pretending to not know that there is still something that keeps me attached to her is a different story.

  4. #84
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    I wouldn't worry too much about what your friends are saying. They are telling you what they think you like to hear which is natural.

    If she already has this loan i thought you'd already have an agreement set up by now anyway in terms of paying you back. I just dont know why you need to keep in contact or at least have the option of contact.

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  6. #85
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    Originally Posted by TestTest
    Yeah that clean slate is why I want to have my things and give her hers so that there really is nothing connecting us anymore.
    And the disrespect is just because everyone else in my life is telling me that what she is doing is not cool when there are unresolved "things" between you. Also my friends are far from as pessimistic as you guys that one would need anything in writing - it's obvious what the right thing to do is and she should act accordingly. If she doesn't that's a sign of character then. That's all I mean with being respectful. Not wanting to be with me is ok - pretending to not know that there is still something that keeps me attached to her is a different story.
    Sigh...

    "Should"...the word that is the downfall of so, so many people.

    She "should" just know to pay you back. But you yourself said you are only going after repayment because the two of you are no longer a couple. Have you told her you expect repayment now that you two are broken up, or is that something else she "should" know?

    An agreement in writing is the best way to go. Otherwise, how are you ever going to legally recover your funds if she chooses to NOT do what you and your friends think she "should" do?

    And you could just send her "things" to her. And you can just let your totally unneeded "things" go since you've gone this long without them.

    Maybe she sees the "things" as irrelevant and not anything that would keep you emotionally attached to her. Just because you think she "should" know that doesn't mean she does.

  7. #86
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    Yeah. Did I miss the post where you asked her for your money back?

  8. #87
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    On the phone when I talked about that I want to meet her the following week I told her it's because we need to talk and that there is for example the money issue. To which you guys know she replied with "let me get home first". I also then tried to respect her wish of no contact (ok I wrote her that good luck message) and only responded when she wrote to me.

    So yeah I think in this case she "should" know.

  9. #88
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    Sorry, but your friends sound kind of entitled too.

    Personal story. When I was around your age my girlfriend of 2.5 years came home from a trip, her mood more distant than I'd ever seen. I asked what's up. She took a deep breath and told me that she was confused, thinking a lot about how she'd never been fully independent, was craving that, was thinking she needed to be on her own.

    Could I have been more devastated? Don't think so. Might as well have driven an 18-wheeler into my living room, into my soul. She was—is—a spectacular human being, one I so loved, so believed our story was far from over. With as much calm as I could summon, but with an ego that was set on fire, I asked if she wanted to break up. She said she didn't know, was confused. She cried, I cried. That scene played out a few more times for two weeks or so, eventually leading to us breaking up—her breaking up with me—and my heart breaking in a zillion little pieces.

    Did that make her a witch? Was she a witch, afterward, when we stayed in touch a bit, and she sent me what some refer to as mixed signals, telling me she cared about me, missed me, but also that she was still confused, still craving independence? Was she a witch because she had sex with me a few more times, but afterward returned to the state of confusion, became distant, even a little callous, over text? Was she a witch because she wanted to be independent and had decided that me, and our relationship, was a hindrance to that?

    No. One, she was a person, herself, and I always valued that more than I valued what role she played in my story. She was battling a lot of contradictory thoughts and feelings. Two, I was engaging in all that, engaging after she'd rung the bell for a simple reason: I loved her, believed in us, and was willing to put myself out there in the fire a little more in that faith. And, big picture, she was always being honest in the message she was sending me. I listened. After a bit I decided the fire was too hot. Was what it was. Respected her truth, my truth, and the differences between them. A humbling chapter I'm grateful to have had. I guess I could have cursed her to the moon, but where's the respect in that? She's a great person, so am I. The greatness we could make together had come to an end, just not on my clock.

    You can keep harping on the money stuff, and you can paint her as a witch for how she's being distant, evasive. There's some comfort in that, I suppose. You don't need to spend even half a second questioning yourself, since you're the good guy who got spurned by the witch.

    Or you can also stand an inch taller by getting an inch humbler. You yourself said that, if you were together, you wouldn't care about the money. Now that you're apart that should hold true—that it was a kind gesture, not a transaction predicated upon her staying with you. From another angle it is you, the self-conceived altruist, who is displaying some witch-like tendencies, frustrated that the spells you cast are not having the intended effect.

  10. #89
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    I still fail to see witchy behaviour from her.

  11. #90
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    Agreed she's just been clear it's over and now it does seem to be sinking in slowly with you. I think you are just really hurt, which is completely understandable, but you need to let go.

    Tell her to repay 100 a month on a set date each month and block and heal. No need for anymore contact.

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