Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 3 of 12 FirstFirst 123456 ... LastLast
Results 21 to 30 of 116

Thread: How to go from break up during a break to back together

  1. #21
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2019
    Posts
    50
    How can you be so sure - Maybe I just don't want to see it but I thought the idea of the break as she discussed it with me was to actually improve the situation because she did want to be in a relationship with me and not wanting to break up.
    In my personal life I never had to experience such a sudden shift in someones perspective (my previous relationship was 10 years and I only dated one other woman before which I broke up with) which is probably why it is so hard for me and why I can't relate to how she feels all of a sudden. It just baffles me how you can go from "I love you" to "I don't feel the same way anymore" in the course of a two week trip to Japan.

    In what way am I hounding her?

  2. #22
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    21,393
    She told you she does not want to be with you anymore, I think that it is disrespectful to not take her at her word.

    Maybe, she met someone else. Maybe, you pushed her too much, and she had had it. I don't know, but you need to take her at her word.

    Don't reach out, other than to exchange your stuff and money.

  3. #23
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2019
    Posts
    50
    When did she say that specifically? She said we should have a break so that she can try to figure out why she feels the way she does as she can't understand why she feels this way and because she wants to fix it (I then broke up with her to regain at least some control instead of just waiting for her to make up her mind). In all fairness though she did say during our last call when I mentioned that I thought we had the motivation to make it work that at the moment she just can't promise me anything and doesn't know whether she wants to or not.
    This all does not sound as black and white to me as it might to you - but maybe I am just naive :(

  4. #24
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    21,393
    I kinda see that as her not wanting to hurt you more-which is wrong and she should be honest. I hope I am wrong, and you can come back and tell me I was.

    Do not wait for her to choose you., you need to proceed as if this is done. Do not call her, unless it is about your stuff. When you see her, do not bring up the relationship-you don't want to be that desperate guy who won't give up.

  5.  

  6. #25
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    21,393
    "she just can't promise me anything and doesn't know whether she wants to or not." This is enough for me to move on. You want someone who is certain about, and in love with you.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    1,617
    Originally Posted by TestTest
    When did she say that specifically? She said we should have a break so that she can try to figure out why she feels the way she does as she can't understand why she feels this way and because she wants to fix it (I then broke up with her to regain at least some control instead of just waiting for her to make up her mind). In all fairness though she did say during our last call when I mentioned that I thought we had the motivation to make it work that at the moment she just can't promise me anything and doesn't know whether she wants to or not.
    This all does not sound as black and white to me as it might to you - but maybe I am just naive :(
    I think she was pretty clear here:

    she accepts the break up for now.
    The way she is communicating is leaving hooks in, so I can see why you are confused, however it's important to look beyond just what she is saying to her actions... she has told you she wants a break, she then said she accepts the break up. All of the other stuff in between is to keep you on the hook because she doesn't want to feel guilty for cutting you off completely. She thinks she is letting you down gently, however when people communicate this way I think it just creates even more confusion.

    Take my word and the word of the others here... we have all been there many times, she is showing you by her words and actions combined that she is done with the relationship. The pulling away, the saying she accepts the break up, the not reaching out... she is done OP and no amount of manipulating or chasing is going to change her mind.

  8. #27
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2019
    Posts
    50
    I am really confused. Should I believe you (which part of me does because it seems logical) or should I believe what she told me three weeks ago (which was that she will only have time to think about us after she gets back). In the second case I would wait a couple days and hope for her to figure out what's wrong with her (her words not mine) in the first case I'd obviously save myself the trouble and just contact her to get my stuff.

  9. #28
    Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2017
    Posts
    54
    Originally Posted by TestTest
    I am really confused. Should I believe you (which part of me does because it seems logical) or should I believe what she told me three weeks ago (which was that she will only have time to think about us after she gets back). In the second case I would wait a couple days and hope for her to figure out what's wrong with her (her words not mine) in the first case I'd obviously save myself the trouble and just contact her to get my stuff.
    That's the point. It doesn't matter what u believe. Both are probably both true, she obviously has at least some form of cognitive dissonance.

    Which is why u breaking up with her was a good idea. But then you didn't follow thru with the take away and made it worse.

    This is not a critism or indictment, I am 100% with you here, this is hard, painful, counter intuitive stuff to learn and I'm talking to you like I would my best friend.

    Is it it manipulation to pull that move like discussed in your other thread...100%

    Alot of horses can't even see the water, and are even afraid of it when they find it...so pointing it out to them isn't necessarily a bad thing, but at the same time we are never going to even attempt to drag one kicking and screaming up the mountain with us.

    Which is why attempting to force a decision at the point u did was perfect. The execution poor.
    My guess is this will not work out, but you should be excited, fantastic learning experience.

  10. #29
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2018
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    624
    Gender
    Male
    I think she's completely done and is just trying to let you down or hoping g you just give up and go away.

    You ended it hoping it would make her see that you are no longer clingy and needy but here you are still hanging on her strings. Strings she wants to cut. In her eyes you have not changed.

    Keep working on yourself but for you, not her or anyone else. Better times lie ahead for you in the future but not with this girl.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    3,202
    Gender
    Male
    You've spun out so hard you can't see up from down. No judgment. Feeling for you. Been there, as just about everyone has.

    But being totally frank? I'm doing a lot of cringing on your behalf, reading this thread. Seems you can't go a few minutes, let alone a week or two, without being a little uncomfortable, a little uncertain. And it seems you're really struggling to understand that people can feel whatever they want, whenever they want, and that sometimes what they feel will not be what you want them to feel. I'd really take this whole thing, regardless of what note it ends on, as an instance of life telling you that learning to live with some uncertainty would be to your benefit, as well as the benefit to anyone you get involved with romantically.

    Her feelings were flickering, as she clearly stated, and you guys decided on a little break. That, right there, was the moment to pull back, hard, for both of you, and to do whatever you needed to do to be able to stand strong no matter which way the wind blew. You stand still, letting her wobble a bit, respecting the reality of the situation. You trust that you've put your best, truest foot forward, and you trust that she will meet you on that plane, or not. Either way you get clarity.

    You instead sat on pins and needles, contacting her when sitting on them became too much: seven days for you, which probably felt more like seven seconds to her. You essentially demanded that she turn the pins and needles into a nice, cozy cushion, which she had no ability to do. When she couldn't, you kept the pressure on, basically turning the break into a breakup that you actually didn't want to happen. If she was unsure about things right before that, I suspect your behavior was clarifying: that the break should be a breakup. Any more pressure and she'd suffocate. People, ultimately, just want to breathe.

    Now you're trying to figure out how to undo the breakup you initiated in order to get her to not break up with you. Chosen method? The exact same thing that got you here: contacting her when you can't sit still, throwing every feeling and epiphany you've had her way in hopes that your thoughts and feelings will become her thoughts and feelings. Which, again, is not happening. I get that you're acting "from the heart," and that these moments can be tough, but what you're doing there is pretty selfish. You're asking someone who you know is having trouble breathing to breathe for you. Again. You're not coming across as someone who "loves" her, but as someone who needs her so you can feel better and more certain about yourself.

    There is another way to go about all this, and it basically comes down to listening—to yourself, to another, to the space between the two, and to listen to all those things simultaneously. To listen, and listen more closely, at every moment when your instinct is to react, to make your voice the most important voice in the room. You're reacting faster than you're listening, which has led to you talking over everyone—both her and yourself, literally and metaphorically. You can't hear or see what's what because you're hoping that if you talk enough, or read enough guides from gurus, you won't have to really listen.

    Problem is, that approach is just spinning you in circles. Show her respect by giving her space, and accepting what is what, right now. Show yourself the same respect, by taking this space to shore up the holes in your own ship, knowing that nothing is worth anything if the price of admission is a leaky hull. You've said everything, multiple times. Time to say nothing. If she has something vital to tell you, she will express it without it being extracted. Trust that. Trust that that is the only way sustainable connection works, and if you guys can't connect along that axis then it's a connection to let go of instead of cling onto as a snorkel. Trust that, find comfort there, and you'll be golden.

    I hope all that doesn't sound harsh. Just trying to help you step a few inches outside of yourself so you can see the forest for the trees.

Page 3 of 12 FirstFirst 123456 ... LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •