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Thread: How to go from break up during a break to back together

  1. #11
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    This is my advice to you in moving forward: if you can afford to potentially lose this money, it's best to simply continue with NC and allow her to make the decision on whether or not to contact you. If she is a decent person with good character, she will be a woman of her word and she will make good on her loan.

    If you cannot afford to lose the money, you can try sending her a message asking for the money back, but this will almost certainly lead to an uncomfortable, awkward position for you to be in.

  2. #12
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    If you were still together would you ask for the money to be paid back? What was the agreement?

    You can send her a request for repayment via regular mail (send it "delivery receipt requested"). See if she responds.

  3. #13
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    If we were together I'd not ask for the money back - I still feel it was the right decision and it is far from a real concern for me (which is also why I did not mention it in my initial post - only when the never contact her again thing came up). The only thing that would bother me is the fact that I would have been wrong about this person if she would not come forward on her own. But I don't want to think that way and stay optimistic. Being anxious and focusing on the bad that could happen is what I did wrong and which I want to change now. Gotta trust she is a good person and it will be alright...

    I hope my attitude will be the same tomorrow but so far just writing it all down has made me realize so much about myself. Thanks all of you!

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    What I would do:

    September is upcoming within a blink of an eye. Since both of you planned a week long trip at the end of September, keep this plan intact and don't cancel. It will be an opportunity to have an in depth conversation. Do you think you can talk about a loan repayment with her then? Will she be receptive to this conversation? If money doesn't matter and if you don't mind your loan never being repaid, then this is up to your decision and discretion. It's your money whether you mind the loss or not.

    During this Sept trip, this is the time to have a conversation about your relationship with her possibly coming to an end. She already told you that she doesn't feel the same way about your anymore. She has since lost interest. Accept it. You can force he to love you as a boyfriend anymore. She doesn't and told you so.

    Keep in mind, she's extremely busy with her college life, campus life, studying and friends.

    Traveling to see you and squeezing you into her hectic schedule is taxing for her and for you always waiting in the wings until she's available. It's not the way to have a relationship. LDRs fail statistically.

    When you take your trip with her, know it will be your last, make arrangements to get your things from her place, give her, her stuff and whatever you want to do with the loan situation is something you need to figure out.

    I would call it quits when you explain this on your Sept trip with her. It's better to discuss and tell her in person than text / email / messenger / phone chat. At least give her the courtesy by telling her in person and when both of you have time to talk it out.

    I don't think NC is good. If you decide the trip isn't a good idea, then don't go the NC route because then you cut everything off. There is no explanation regarding your loan to her and will you get a your money back? You decide. Also, both of you need to return belongings to one another. I think NC is wrong in this situation because you're not settling nor agreeing on anything with her. Don't sever ties yet. Take care of your concerns: loan, perhaps repayment, belongings returned, etc. Then break up if you don't see a realistic future with her. Stop wasting your time, energy and resources on a woman who is no longer interested in you.

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  6. #15
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    Ok to continue the story:
    I called her last week tuesday (27.08.19) to ask how her weekend was and to emphasize that a break up is not what I actually want. I also told her about me realizing that it was all too much and that we moved too fast but that I want to grow together with her. She said she did not have the time to arrive at the same conclusion and that she accepts the break up for now. I told her that I want to see her the following week when she is back from her studies (motivation to say this was to hand over the things we have of each other and talk about the money so that I can finally move on - in my head I still can't with the upcoming trip still booked and the money still in her bank account). To setting a date she just replied I should let her get back home first. The only contact we had since that call was that I texted her "good luck" for her final test on friday to which she replied "thanks :)". Now I know she got back yesterday but haven't heard from her. Should I initiate contact AGAIN or just wait it out - at the moment I feel like I just want to move on but am held back because the situation feels so unreal and there are still these open questions of how we are going to deal with the belongings and such.
    Well I just have no idea what the right to do is here - part of me still wants her back after almost three weeks while the other part wants to start getting over her but can't until everything is at least resolved somehow.
    If it was just the belongings I'd definitely contact her and set a date to meet and discuss but I somehow still want it to work out and have no idea how to manage that.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by TestTest
    Ok to continue the story:
    I called her last week tuesday (27.08.19) to ask how her weekend was and to emphasize that a break up is not what I actually want. I also told her about me realizing that it was all too much and that we moved too fast but that I want to grow together with her. She said she did not have the time to arrive at the same conclusion and that she accepts the break up for now. I told her that I want to see her the following week when she is back from her studies (motivation to say this was to hand over the things we have of each other and talk about the money so that I can finally move on - in my head I still can't with the upcoming trip still booked and the money still in her bank account). To setting a date she just replied I should let her get back home first. The only contact we had since that call was that I texted her "good luck" for her final test on friday to which she replied "thanks :)". Now I know she got back yesterday but haven't heard from her. Should I initiate contact AGAIN or just wait it out - at the moment I feel like I just want to move on but am held back because the situation feels so unreal and there are still these open questions of how we are going to deal with the belongings and such.
    Well I just have no idea what the right to do is here - part of me still wants her back after almost three weeks while the other part wants to start getting over her but can't until everything is at least resolved somehow.
    If it was just the belongings I'd definitely contact her and set a date to meet and discuss but I somehow still want it to work out and have no idea how to manage that.
    NC immediately until she contacts you.

  8. 09-03-2019, 07:17 AM

  9. #17
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    If it had been 3 weeks with NC then I would say yes time to contact. But there has been contact.

    If you just want to get it over....then by all means call her up...tell her your done and she needs to collect her crap by such a date and you would like a payment plan in place.

    Otherwise the point of NC within the context of keeping someone on the hook is to let doubt and loss work on what ever strings they have left until their mind tells a big enough story and accentuates their feelings, she contacts you and you have a starting point.

    The guy in the video is right in that after enough time has past that it's clear she has written you off then it's time to create some feelings...but everyone always pulls the trigger too quickly.

  10. #18
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    Originally Posted by GatorXP
    If it had been 3 weeks with NC then I would say yes time to contact. But there has been contact.

    If you just want to get it over....then by all means call her up...tell her your done and she needs to collect her crap by such a date and you would like a payment plan in place.

    Otherwise the point of NC within the context of keeping someone on the hook is to let doubt and loss work on what ever strings they have left until their mind tells a big enough story and accentuates their feelings, she contacts you and you have a starting point.

    The guy in the video is right in that after enough time has past that it's clear she has written you off then it's time to create some feelings...but everyone always pulls the trigger too quickly.
    Did you also read the link I provided? The author clearly says "do not do no contact as it creates emotional distance" and "you should never EVER put the other person in a position where they question or doubt your love for them". I opened a new thread for the NC discussion as I feel like this info might be important even without my case in particular as backstory: [Register to see the link]
    I guess the question is: does the author mean a strict NC where you don't even react to messages being sent to you is bad or is NC in general bad. In my case I'd guess she now does know how I feel and has no reason to doubt so waiting for her to contact me could be the right thing to do. I am wondering though at what point I should end this "game" and initiate contact again - the weekend or next week? Right now it feels like I would have an "easy" reason to initiate contact as I could simply ask her if she got back safely. As time progresses finding a positive reason to initiate contact again seems to get harder and harder.

  11. #19
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    Originally Posted by TestTest
    Did you also read the link I provided? The author clearly says "do not do no contact as it creates emotional distance" and "you should never EVER put the other person in a position where they question or doubt your love for them". I opened a new thread for the NC discussion as I feel like this info might be important even without my case in particular as backstory: [Register to see the link]
    I guess the question is: does the author mean a strict NC where you don't even react to messages being sent to you is bad or is NC in general bad. In my case I'd guess she now does know how I feel and has no reason to doubt so waiting for her to contact me could be the right thing to do. I am wondering though at what point I should end this "game" and initiate contact again - the weekend or next week? Right now it feels like I would have an "easy" reason to initiate contact as I could simply ask her if she got back safely. As time progresses finding a positive reason to initiate contact again seems to get harder and harder.
    So the reason I said NC "within the context of getting her back" is that is completely different than NC for personal healing and mental health.

    Within the context of healing, you hold that NC no matter what even if they contact u, because you need to heal and move forward.

    Within the context of getting them back, it is a tool to get them back to the table. It doesn't fix any relationship issues other than them seeing u as needy and pushing them away.

    So do not contact her again unless you are ending it or enough time has past that it's clear she doesn't care....then you can poke her to she where she is...maybe try to generate some recurrence of good feelings and memories that she can work with....

  12. #20
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    This is all you need to know: "she does not feel the same way about me anymore."

    Stop making excuses and hounding her. She does not want to be in a relationship with you. This is what pushed her away, not all of the other stuff you listed: "I also got the impression that we have a classic anxious-avoidant relationship with me being anxious and overly clingy"

    You should not be lending out money. She could have gotten it from her family.

    Exchange your stuff upon her return, then move on. She is done.

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